Triggering: I wanted a hug

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I've been in a long distance relationship with a very loving, super kind, attractive guy for the past 2 months. We had a month together in person and then I had to leave the US to go study in Ireland. We had a very good relationship until Halloween night a few days ago.

I was in a group project meeting on zoom and a guy asked us if we wanted to hang out because it was Halloween. I said yes because I haven't made an Irish friends yet and I'd talked to this guy before on zoom and he seemed nice.

I am legal to drink here, so I bought some alcohol and went over in the evening. I am a light weight. I drank too much and so did the guy that invited me. I had told the group I was with about my boyfriend but when I got drunk I think I started talking about how I was unsure if I should stay with him because it's very sad being apart from him. One of the girls encouraged me to "live life" or something and as I was getting more and more drunk, everyone started leaving and I was left alone with the guy that invited me.

I was very lonely, I tend to get sad when I'm drunk and I miss my boyfriend a lot. I was sitting close to the Irish guy and I did like that I was near another human being because I've not had many friends here and have therefore been incredibly touch starved.

Then he just kinda looked at me and kissed me. I didn't really want to be kissing him, but I was also incredibly drunk and my thoughts weren't functioning right. I felt warm and I liked being held, so I just let him do what he wanted.

I really don't remember how I got here, but the next thing I was in this guy's room. He took his shirt off and somewhere in my brain, I thought that what was happening was supposed to happen so I took my shirt off too. I kept calling this guy my boyfriend's name, but he was super drunk too, and he didn't seem to notice.

He kept making out with me, I didn't do anything to stop him. Then he tried to take off my underwear. I didn't want that. I told him no, I think, but also I was really drunk, so I'm not sure if that made it to words. I know I kept my underwear on, I kept pulling it back up.

At some point I remember lying there and this guy was fingering me, I didn't like it so I just was limp and stared at the ceiling.

We also talked and were physically close to each other, cuddling I guess, but that word makes it feel wrong. I hate to admit that I enjoyed being close to him. I've been very very lonely here and I really wanted to have human contact. I want my boyfriend so badly, but I couldn't have him.

He also kept trying to make out with me and I would just lie there, let it happen for a bit and then push him away because my brain kept saying "don't be rude."

I woke up the next morning and got my stuff and left. I called my boyfriend and told him what happened and he wasn't thrilled. He said that he feels for me on a personal level but he was very upset that I had been ok with the first part.

The day after was the worst day of my life. I thought that I had lost the first guy that I've really loved by letting myself given into to desires while I was drunk. I blame myself still, I really shouldn't have gone out drinking, I shouldn't have told those people that I was struggling to find reason to stay in Ireland and all.

This isn't some cut and dry sexual assault situation and that's what makes it so awful. I simply can't take no fault in the situation, but I didn't try to put myself in the situation that I wound up in. Certainly, if I had just cuddled with another man, called my boyfriend and been guilty about that, he wouldn't be so hurt, he wouldn't be considering breaking up with me. But he is so hurt because I just let this guy make out with me and enjoyed an aspect of that.

And I can't even bring myself to hate the guy. He was incredibly drunk as well and regretted his actions greatly the next morning, he texted me. I can't help but imagine what it feels like to know you hurt someone like how he hurt me and have to live with that.

I just really want my boyfriend to be ok because I really need him right now. I had had plans to go back home and see him in less than two weeks and I am just praying that he won't cancel, even though he is really hurt, because I really just want a hug right now.

I feel like a lot of people will hate my boyfriend and the other guy when reading this, but just don't. They are both people, very hurt by what happened too. None of us wanted this.[/size][/color][/font]

[Celyn]

You aren't at fault for any of this at all, and no-one here is going to hate your boyfriend or the other guy.

I think it's understandable that being in a long distance relationship can be stressful at times, and alcohol can definitely affect our thoughts and feelings and you may have found yourself unintentionally opening up to others about your uncertainty regarding a long distance relationship. This isn't your fault, though it's definitely worth talking through with your boyfriend. Generally, a long distance relationship may require a time frame to transition from long distance to a relationship in general e.g. one or both of you moving so that you are together. So if you are unsure about a long distance relationship because you tend to get sad and miss your boyfriend (completely natural) then you may want to discuss your plans for the future- whether you will stay and work towards moving closer (for example, moving back to the US after your studies) or whether to go your separate ways.

That said, you were lonely, drunk and vulnerable. While you were talking about feeling uncertain regarding your relationship, that guy did take advantage of you by kissing you, taking you to his room and engaging in sexual activity with you. You tried to say no but you were also drunk and this would've been clear to the guy as well. Alcohol and sexual activities never mix well but generally, you can't give consent when you are drunk. Not only that but not being able to say no doesn't mean that you did give consent either- people should look for enthusiastic consent- that means actively wanting to engage in sexual activities, but you were not able nor wanting to do this as you were limp. This is a natural response when we are confused, perhaps scared, and also drunk. The fact that you enjoyed talking, even being physically close to him because you were lonely and missed your boyfriend, does not excuse what this guy did to you, even if he himself was drunk. Technically, it can be said that the guy assaulted you. For more information on sexual assault, feel free to check out our article here.

You are not to blame for this situation. You were lonely, wanting to make friends and many people socialise by drinking. There is nothing wrong with wanting to meet others or go out and have a drink while in a relationship. Alcohol also affects us, and yes, while you could say that you had too much to drink, it's clear that you were confused and lonely, making you vulnerable and you did not want the sexual activity with this guy. It would be a different situation if you instigated or wanted to be sexual with this guy.

This situation sounds like it's difficult for you and your boyfriend as well. Your boyfriend may be confused and may have struggled to understand what happened. This is more so true if you blame yourself- your boyfriend may only have your perception to go on so if you say that it was your fault, your boyfriend may not think of other ways the situation could be perceived- for example, that you were taken advantage of and assaulted. You didn't 'let' this guy make out with you- you were drunk and froze (natural response to trauma) and this guy continued to make out with you even though you clearly weren't giving consent. Does your boyfriend know that you didn't actually consent to what happened? It may be that your boyfriend is thinking of breaking up with you, if he believed you consented and wanted it to happen, as he may be upset and consider this to be cheating. But if he does know that you didn't consent, then it may be best to think about whether your boyfriend is the best person to support you right now. This really wasn't your fault at all and to be dealing with this as well as the thought of a break-up must be really difficult and you need all the support you can get right now.

You don't have to hate the guy either, regardless of how drunk he was or the fact that he regretted his actions. How he lives with what he did is on him, not you. You need to focus on yourself and how you feel, and how you are going to heal from this.

The same goes for your boyfriend. Though he may be upset, hurt and confused, this is not necessarily for you to deal with. Ideally, he should try to be there for you, even if it means setting aside his feelings for a bit. You didn't want this situation to happen, and though the guy regretted what he did, he still took advantage of you, without your consent. However your boyfriend and this guy feels isn't your responsibility. Focus on yourself first