Triggering: Was this rape?

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I realized almost a year after the event that I think I was raped. Seeking outside advice regarding this. I don't have very many people I can ask about these kinds of things.

Major TW for below content, disturbing details regarding the potential assault are below. Please take care and close this tab if these sorts of things trigger you.




At the time this happened, I was dealing with unresolved trauma from a rape that took place years ago. My at the time boyfriend knew this. I mention that I was dealing with unresolved trauma regarding a previous rape because this did affect my ability to be able to verbally say 'no'...I would have a freeze response at times regarding these things.
We had consensual sex a few times...it was never pleasurable, always very painful. I enthusiastically consented 4 times or so but by the 5th time and afterwards, I did not want to do it anymore. He never asked if I wanted to have sex, but would just sort of initiate it without asking. I never said no, but never said yes either...I'd be receptive to the acts prior to sex but once the actual deed would start I'd be completely limp and silent, making faces of pain because it was very painful. Obviously, nonverbally not into it.
At one point during one occasion he looked at me, said "I'm sorry I'm hurting you" but kept going.
I also remember one time he pushed my head down there and I fought against him slightly, moving my head back against his hand...and this happened for a few seconds long, it wasn't a very quick thing.

The last time it happened, I realllllly did not want to have sex. It was initiated by the same wordless actions as before, but at one point I flopped down and started crying a bit saying I didn't want to do it anymore. He asked if I wanted to continue at this and I said "fine! just do what you want!" in an exasperated tone while holding my arms across my body tightly and he stared at me for a few seconds and grabbed my legs, forcing them apart (I was flexing my legs tight together), and just did it while I was limp and silent, again showing faces of pain.

I felt traumatized by this all. This was a year ago and I still a bit messed up about it. Still don't quite know what to make of it.[/size][/color][/font]

In my book, anything that is not an enthusiastic yes is a no. That includes remaining silent or freezing during sex. A caring, compassionate partner would obviously notice something was off and should have asked you about it before proceeding. Your boyfriend sounds selfish and I think what he did constitutes sexual assault. I know that's hard to hear. It's hard to deal with, and I am so sorry you had to go through it.

It's not surprising that your relationship with sex is complicated if you are dealing with the trauma of sexual assault(s). I want to tell you, though, that your experience of sex thus far is NOT how healthy sex should be. Sex should not be painful. If sex is painful you should always stop. It's an indicator that you may not be lubricated enough or of some condition, possibly like vaginismus. It could cause micro abrasions (small tears) in the vaginal tissue and that leaves you not only uncomfortable but prone to infection. If and when you are ready to have sex again (hopefully with someone other than your boyfriend, because you should honestly dump him), I would try using generous amounts of a water-based lubricant. If sex is still painful, see your doctor.

My hope is that, when you feel ready to have sex again, it's with someone who cares about you, not take advantage of your struggle to say no. Remember, it doesn't matter if you've enthusiastically consented before; consent is required each and every time physical intimacy occurs. Physical intimacy, up to and including sex, should be pleasurable for everyone involved. It should be fun. It should be a means of connection, not something to sit there and endure. You deserve better than that.

If you haven't already I would talk to therapist about this, should you be able to afford one. There are also support groups in some areas and resources online, like here on TeenHelp. You deserve compassionate care and to be able to get through this.

PM me if you need to talk about anything. I'm here for you.

[Mallika]

Hi there,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I can only imagine how overwhelming this has been for you.

I completely agree with Eli that what you've had to go through after the 5th time was NOT consensual sex. It almost seems like your boyfriend didn't care about your response at all and was more concerned with pleasuring himself through you. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this; this is highly inappropriate and in my opinion, nothing short of rape.

If he was truly sorry for hurting you, he wouldn't have done this in the first place. You were very clearly not enjoying the sex, but rather, were experiencing much pain in the process. If he couldn't see this, he was not being considerate about you at all.

This happened a year ago and you seem to have broken up with him, which is great. There are far better men out there who truly respect a woman's verbal consent before initiating sex.

It might help to find some support groups in your area; there are many out there for individuals who have suffered sexual assault/rape. It would also definitely help meeting a therapist. I think the best course of action for now would be to focus on healing yourself from all these traumatic incidents, related to both your boyfriend from one year ago and the other one that happened many years ago. Don't worry about finding another man; that will happen when it has to. If the trauma from these incidents remains unresolved, it might create further uncomfortable situations in later relationships. Once you've come to better terms with them, it would be easier for you to date men and be more comfortable with intimacy.

Take care, and don't hesitate to DM me if you'd like to chat about anything at all. Remember that you're not alone, your story is shared by hundreds around the world; there are many strong people like you fighting to overcome the scars of sexual trauma, and it is possible to put it behind with sufficient therapy and start afresh