What to hold in? How do I escape?

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]In the past I have had many encounters of abuse from family and peers and sexual assault from peers. I am doing better now however I am still learning how to create healthy boundaries, communicate and to not be toxic to others due to the habits taught to me such as lacking the ability to communicate or keeping a vow of silence.

Recently I have gotten into a relationship and I am still getting used to being treated as nicely as I am and I try my best to do the same as well as make sure I understand how to accept their affection/properly give mine. But things have been great. We have started to get intimate and things are still great however the last guy I was alone with in a room would always try to manipulate me into being intimate and would make me feel bad whenever I did not want to and he would try to put me in situations where I had to accept his affection even though I always expressed that I was not interested. That or any of the other instances before had never come up and I've been mentally improving from both that and the abuse from family but I saw him on campus the other day and I am afraid he will sort of come after me again but I also have a sort of flash of memories and I really like the guy I am with but I don't want to be intimate for a bit and i feel bad about that but I also feel like I shouldn't tell him? I don't want to cry when I tell him because he will feel bad, I don't want him to be upset and I don't want to ruin anything. I will seem him soon in about 7 days and I just have this sort of internal conflict going on.


As for the family aspect, I already planned to fully escape and cut them off when I am done with college, with a job and have lots of savings. But I am realizing all the damage it has done to me and even though I have proof and such I have never actually gotten it off of my chest and still don't know why I have certain habits or how to grow better ones. I don't want to always be in survival mode because of them and even after I leave them for good, there is no guaranteed way that I know of to get better?[/size]

[Moxie.]

First things first, I want to express how truly sorry I am for the pain and abuse that you have had to endure. Trauma of that sort can be incredibly difficult to deal with and I'm proud of you for reaching out to us here and doing your best to move on with your life. I don't know if you realize it, but those are incredibly brave things to do.

When it comes to your current partner, I would recommend voicing some of your concerns to him. What happened to you is deeply personal and you don't need to share everything with him all at once. But, since it sounds like it is having an impact on your comfort levels with intimacy in the relationship, giving him a little bit of insight could be beneficial. Even just saying something along the lines of "I would like you to know that, in a past relationship, I had extremely negative experiences, especially with intimacy. I don't want to go into details just yet, but I'm struggling right now and think it would be beneficial for us to take a step back from that part of our relationship right now. It's important to me that you know that, as I don't want you to think it has anything to do with you. I care about you and I want us to be able to move forward in a healthy relationship but, to do that, I need to allow myself to heal too" could do a lot. True, he may have questions, but remember that you only need to share what you feel comfortable with. It sounds like the two of you have a solid relationship, so I'm sure he will be understanding and respectful.

Regarding your family, I think it's great that you have a plan to remove yourself from them once you're able to. I can imagine how much keeping all of that in is weighing on you though. Have you thought about reaching out to a trusted person in your life? This person could be a friend, teacher, coach, pastor, etc. Depending on whether or not it's something that is accessible to you, you might also want to consider seeking therapy. Doing so will allow you to talk about your situation in a confidential, safe environment, as well as begin the process of healing and learning techniques to combat the effects your family has had on you. If none of those are options for you, you are of course always welcome to share your story with us here on TeenHelp. Feel free to message me directly if you're not ready to write it all out in a forum. I would be happy to listen if that's more comfortable for you.

Remember, healing takes time and you are so strong for already beginning that process. Take care and please keep us updated.

[hocus pocus]

Sam gave some great advice! Talking to your current partner when you're comfortable about things when you feel ready to discuss them could help. It might give you time to reflect or determine more in terms of what feels best for you.

Everyone is different but in my life experiences I have learned that living with people who are responsible for your abuse is very difficult. It is possible to improve when you are still in this environment, but survival mode tends to prevail. There comes a point when you've done all the improving you can do in that environment. I have heard that it is a lot easier to work on yourself and make healthy changes when you no longer live with your abusers. It is awesome to hear that you have a plan to leave, and talking to someone if you can is a good idea. In the meantime, do the best you can with the environment you're in (and it seems like you do that already).

I don't know if this would help or not but sometimes I like to think/plan what my life will be like someday. What kind of house do you want? How would you decorate it? Are you going to get any pets? Aside from the more physical and situational aspects you can think of how much better you'll feel when you're finally free - and how proud you'll be of yourself for working so hard.

You can do it. Keeping you in my thoughts.

[merlinbennie]

Originally Posted by Ambedo.

First things first, I want to express how truly sorry I am for the pain and abuse that you have had to endure. Trauma of that sort can be incredibly difficult to deal with and I'm proud of you for reaching out to us here and doing your best to move on with your life. I don't know if you realize it, but those are incredibly brave things to do.

When it comes to your current partner, I would recommend voicing some of your concerns to him. What happened to you is deeply personal and you don't need to share everything with him all at once. But, since it sounds like it is having an impact on your comfort levels with intimacy in the relationship, giving him a little bit of insight could be beneficial. Even just saying something along the lines of "I would like you to know that, in a past relationship, I had extremely negative experiences, especially with intimacy. I don't want to go into details just yet, but I'm struggling right now and think it would be beneficial for us to take a step back from that part of our relationship right now. It's important to me that you know that, as I don't want you to think it has anything to do with you. I care about you and I want us to be able to move forward in a healthy relationship but, to do that, I need to allow myself to heal too" could do a lot. True, he may have questions, but remember that you only need to share what you feel comfortable with. It sounds like the two of you have a solid relationship, so I'm sure he will be understanding and respectful.

Regarding your family, I think it's great that you have a plan to remove yourself from them once you're able to. I can imagine how much keeping all of that in is weighing on you though. Have you thought about reaching out to a trusted person in your life? This person could be a friend, teacher, coach, pastor, etc. Depending on whether or not it's something that is accessible to you, you might also want to consider seeking therapy. Doing so will allow you to talk about your situation in a confidential, safe environment, as well as begin the process of healing and learning techniques to combat the effects your family has had on you. If none of those are options for you, you are of course always welcome to share your story with us here on TeenHelp. Feel free to message me directly if you're not ready to write it all out in a forum. I would be happy to listen if that's more comfortable for you.

Remember, healing takes time and you are so strong for already beginning that process. Take care and please keep us updated.

Well said, dude!!!!! The information you shared it's really very helpful for many