Triggering: Rape, hurt, and scared.

[Autumnskys1]

So my name is Destiny and so far this has happened twice in my life. The first time happened in 8th grade year a 22 year old I know by name but won't say on here raped me in the back of his car. I thought we were friends I knew him for a year or two I thought I could trust him He picked me up and I thought he was just messing with me, we got to his car and he kissed me and I pushed him away but he didn't stop there he didn't want to. I couldn't fight back I tried but I was 5'3 in height and weighed [Edited] I had no muscle no nothing to defend myself. All I could and did do was cry he covered my mouth to were I wasn't able to scream. After that night I blocked myself off to everyone I stopped talking I ended up going to Oceans for trying to kill myself. When I got back he was in prison for doing it to two other girls not just me. I was relived hoping it would never happen again in my life. Well two years later during school I thought I knew what was going on I thought this guy just wanted to talk then he kissed me and started touching me and wouldn't stop. I tried walking off and pushing him off but he grabbed my wrist he didn't care if he hurt me all he cared about was himself. No one knows what truly happened they all have drama going on about what they think what happened but they don't know the full story and they don't realize I had a bruise on my wrist for a week, or noticed I didn't wanna be touched or I don't know how to handle stuff right now. So much stuff is going on it hurts and I just don't know anymore.

Hi Destiny. Thank you for sharing your post. We at TeenHelp are all here for you.

First of all I want to say I am so sorry this happened to you. No one deserves what happened to you and it isn't your fault. It's my sincerest hope you don't blame yourself for what happened. I know firsthand how hard it is to be sexually assaulted and then to have it happen again later in life. It creates so much more pain on top the pain you already experienced and it can feel hard to escape it. It sucks, truly.

I can't tell you what to do. You have to decide the best way to approach this, but I do know you don't deserve to suffer more than you already are. This can be a difficult burden to bear alone. Is there anyone you trust that you can tell? I know, for me, when I was raped the second time I couldn't do it alone. I ended up telling some people close to me and they helped me get through it. They kept it from getting worse and ultimately saved me from suicide. Is there anyone like that in your life? I think you're brave for reaching out here, and I hope you continue to do so, but it may help even more if you can talk to someone present in your life.

If you don't want to talk about it that's okay. Everyone processes differently. But I do hope you can give yourself some compassion. It's okay not to know how to handle things right now. It's frustrating as hell, but it doesn't mean you're bad or wrong for not knowing how. Try to take things on in small bits and take lots of breaks when it comes to work. If you don't have the emotional bandwidth to take something on, don't do it. It would be best to be kind to yourself and let yourself heal from this. If other people's problems detract from your healing process it's okay to say you don't want to be a part of it.

As for touch issues, that takes time. It's been years for me and I still have problems with touch every once in a while, but it's much better than it was. It's okay not to want to be touched right now. It's okay not to trust right now. But it will get better as time goes on, especially if you can find someone to process this with, like a therapist. They may be able to offer more specific and concrete help than we can here.

I guess what I am saying is be kind to yourself and be yourself. Meet yourself where you're at, as frustrating as that might be. But you can't rush through this, and there's no easy solution. All you can do is show yourself as much love and kindness as you can, even though that seems like a hugely impossible task at times, especially in the aftermath of assault. But there is something there to love, I promise.

Feel free to PM me if you need anything. I'm here for you.

[Unchained Melody]

I agree with the above poster that each individual that goes through a sexual assault/rape processes it differently and brings it out at different times. My advice is you will know when and what to say when the timing is right. You are your voice in this and your advocate. When you are ready bring it out and bring it strong. This will not only help you, but it will help many others in the future.

As for being touched or trusting others to touch you take that at your own speed. My Therapist told me that only I will know when and who I will trust touching me or even in my case discussing my issue with. Right now and it has been just over one year since my 6 month ordeal has ended that I trust just my closest family members and really close friends I have made at my new school to even touch me. So take that at your own speed and only you will know when you are comfortable with that.