Was I even raped?

[Hidden_thoughts]

A little back story: I started talking to this guy who is usually in and out of prison for weed. He is part of my friend group. Hes the guy that everyone hangs out with for a fun time.

Anyways I added him on snapchat and we started talking and one night he invited me over to his house for "cuddles". I got there and he gave me alcohol and weed and we qent to bed and he started kissing me. Then things escalated and started having sex with me. Since it was my first time it hurt, and there was no lubrication because there was no foreplay whatsoever. I kept asking him to slow down and to hold on and to wait but he didnt stop until he was finished. But I just thought this was normal because it was my first time. And afterwards we never talked.

I guess my question is, was I sexually assaulted? I don't feel any different, my life didnt change much. My boyfriend and i are very sexually active, so maybe it was all in my head?

Though every once in a while ill be reminded of him. Like if my boyfriend smokes a cigarette, his breath will smell like His. Or if my bf isnt as affectionate due to being busy Ill think of Him.

And i dont really know what to do since He is so close to all of my friends or if im just making things up in my head

[hocus pocus]

It doesn't sound like you're making it up in your head. You were under the influence and you kept asking him to wait or slow down but he didn't and that's assault.

You said it doesn't have much of an impact on you but that's okay. Everyone reacts and copes with things differently and they do it in their own time.

The fact that you're reminded of him sometimes (like with the cigarette breath) is normal though I imagine it is uncomfortable. Maybe when your boyfriend smokes you can leave the room or do something else? For instance, you could go smell some perfume or some kind of food instead.

[AMA on teenhelp]

I dont see this as rape

[Hidden_thoughts]

Thats a good tip. Luckily he is trying to quit smoking. I think part of it is that Im in denial. Last night it really hit me for the first time and I couldnt stop crying for 2 hours. I just dont really know what to do.

You hear stories about all these strong brave women who went through horrific attacks and it makes me feel dumb for feeling bad about being decieved by a friend. And I dont have anyone to talk to because He is friends with everyone I know.

How do I heal when I see him in town all ghe time? (Its a very small town with 3 streets and everyone knows everyone)

I realized that I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror anymore

Im just a jumbled up mess of feelings

[hocus pocus]

Sometimes people stay in denial for a long time and then it can just suddenly hit them, like you mentioned. Crying can be uncomfortable and exhausting at times but it is a good outlet; it's good that you cried and got things out of your system.

You're not dumb at all. You went through something you shouldn't have and your reactions and feelings are normal. I know how hard it is but try not to compare your experience to other experiences. At the end of the day, there is no level playing field and what other people have been through certainly does not take away from your own experiences.

It is hard when you don't have anyone to talk to but know that you'll always have the people on here. It isn't always the same as verbalizing things but it does help.

Healing takes time and some of that will come on its own and some of it will require a bit more work. Maybe you can start small. For instance, you can start writing about or blogging about your feelings somewhere, such as on TeenHelp.

Feel free to send me a message if you want to talk.

I would say that falls under the umbrella of sexual assault. First of all, you were under the influence, which automatically effects consent. Secondly, you keep telling him to stop or slow down. The thing about physical intimacy is that you can rescind your consent at any time. If you say "stop" or "no" and someone keeps going that's sexually assault.

I'm very sorry this happened to you. No one should have to experience what you did. Your way of coping isn't weird or abnormal; everyone copes differently. For some people they move on just fine and then it hits them years later. That happened to a very good friend of mine, actually, so you're not alone. However you need to process it is okay.

The healing process isn't always easy but it does happen with some work. It sounds like your town is so small that you may not have access to a therapist, but there are always people here to talk to. I've also seen some things about doing online therapy or therapy through apps so you may want to look into that. If you aren't interested in therapy (which is perfectly understandable) you can always talk to people here. We're a supportive community and we're here.

Please message me if you want to talk. My inbox is always open.