Triggering (Abuse): Harassment and rape.

[Svetlanavolkova]

I've had very many bad experiences with abuse, specifically rape and molestation. It's been very hard to handle. This post is about my experience with being harassed. This was in the beginning of last year. I'm jewish, my whole family is. I never felt embarrassed over this before. I remember going to this small convenience store and when I walked in there was a confederate flag. I got nervous but my uncle needed me to buy some things and wasn't up to walking farther to a different store. i quickly bought what I needed and left. Outside the store, this guy started asking me questions like "where are you from" and "where do you live." I kept lying but I was really intimidated and so I just told him everything. He started harassing me with three other guys and vandalized my home and called me names. One night, they ended up breaking in my home and they each took turns raping me, they had me tied stomach down on a table. It was horrifying. They aren't small, they're pretty decent sized guys. They had these swastika tattoos and.....that was even more intimidating. They beat me. I try not to think about this.

[hocus pocus]

I am sorry you had to experience this. Have you considered telling someone about this so you don't have to keep it to yourself anymore? Is there anyone you trust; maybe a friend, family member, teacher, or anyone else? It's important to tell someone when you are ready and if you are not yet ready I definitely respect that and suggest doing other stuff to release your feelings in the meantime. For example, you can write the memories of being harassed and raped, you can write a poem about it, or write letters to the people who did this to you and then rip them up.

You said you're trying not to think of these memories. But, trying not to think of them pushes them farther into the back of your mind and they will surface at some point down the road. I encourage you to think of these memories when you can, when you're comfortable with it. You can give yourself a set time of day to do so. Something else you can do is think back to that memory and give it an alternate ending in which you "win" against your abusers. This can be therapeutic; it can make it less painful to look back on and can help you feel safer.

I know it is easier said than done but try not to be embarrassed about being Jewish. There is nothing wrong with that and if someone doesn't like that, that's on them. It says more about them than it does about anything else.

Hang in there.