Triggering (Abuse): questions about male rape victims

[Jess~]

so the other day I met a guy and had a great time getting to know him. in fact, we've been talking about possibly dating, and I do really like him.
coincidentally, we've both been raped before. mine was recent, by someone close to my age, and his was when he was just a kid, by an older man.

now, even though it was the first day we hung out in person (we had been talking for a few weeks through kik - he was from tinder) we did end up having sex. now, I can't say I ruled it out as a possibility completely, as we did meet at his house and we did plan on watching Netflix.
however, I never really want to fuck on the first date.
I did tell him no at first, but as soon as he started trying to convince me by using phrases that my rapist used as well, I freaked out and said yes.
I do this a lot when guys are trying to convince me to have sex with them, or do something with sex that I'm not really comfortable with. it's like as long as I say yes, they can't take my "no" away from me. if I say yes, they can't rape me.
which is stupid because obviously I'm still doing something I don't want to do. but yeah, I don't know if that's ever gonna get better.

halfway through us having sex, he randomly got soft. I've always heard of girlfriends asking about their boyfriends losing their boner sometimes, but it's never happened before.
at this point, I didn't know he was raped before, but I was understanding and I assured him that it was okay and we could just cuddle until it comes back. i could tell he was embarrassed, and he said this happens a lot.

it wasn't until later when we went and got food together that he told me about how he was raped, and then I told him I was raped too. I could tell he felt really bad and guilty about kind of trying to make me have sex with him and he apologized a lot. (even though ultimately I did say yes, and I enjoyed it. I just wish I didn't give myself away so easily because of my issues. not trying to put the blame off of myself, it's just I did used to have really strong morals and now that's gone.)

I guess I just wanted to know how male rape victims are affected by rape, and whether the way he pressured me into sex is maybe part of that? and also if the loss of an erection is a common issue for male rape victims.
I guess I'm just trying to make sense of all this. I know every possible way a female rape victim could react and be effected yet I know nothing about males and I want to learn.

[Celyn]

In general, raped or not, I believe that if you say 'no' to sex, the other person shouldn't start trying to convince you. I understand that if one person is aroused, it may be difficult for them to accept 'no' but they should still respect the fact that you don't want to have sex at this time. At the same time, I do understand why you would freak out if similar phrases were used, and why you may be more inclined to say 'yes' just because it feels like you are consenting and still in control, even though deep down, you are unsure. I do believe though that it wont always be this way for you as you should be comfortable enough with someone to say 'no' and them to respect that and not rape you.

I am sorry to hear that this guy was raped as a child by an older man. I know of someone who was also in a similar situation, but I'm not too sure on the effects. I'd assume that all rape victims whether male or female have similar symptoms after a rape- they may feel guilty, they may have triggers, find it difficult to trust etc. I have heard that some rape victims may question their sexuality too, especially if the rapist was the same sex as the victim and if they found themselves aroused during the rape. This may affect their sex life and may cause sexual dysfunction, though at that same time its worth remembering that everyone reacts to rape differently so this may or may not be the case for many rape survivors regardless of gender. Loss of erection can be for many reasons, so it may be difficult to say for sure whether that's linked to past rape (thought it can be).

Given that the guy was raped when he was a child, if he didn't receive any help afterwards, it may have affected how he views men and women, how he thinks men and women should behave and be treated (especially when it comes to sex). However, if this guy is the same or similar age as you, he should've learnt by now to respect someone's boundaries.

It's understandable that you would want to try to make sense of the situation and it's good that you want to try to understand the effects of rape on males. I'm wondering if you think it would be worth talking to the guy about how he thinks his past has affected him, and whether he has received any counselling? Also, it might be worth looking into help groups and websites for male survivors of rape, whether for the guy or for yourself to learn more about the effects on males.

[Jess~]

yeah, I'm definitely not trying to excuse the fact that he should've respected my answer, though I was making out and touching him in ways that made it seem like I was okay with it. it's just hard to establish boundaries halfway through two people being aroused.
this has also really confused me because I do really like this guy, but it is concerning that he didn't respect me. like I said, he was extremely apologetic after he knew the extent of what happened. again, not excusing what he should've done, just saying I don't think he had bad intentions.

when we were talking about it he did say that he went to counseling when he was older and realized what really happened to him. now he views it as he's been through some really terrible things in his life, but now he owns his own apartment, has a job... like if he can do this despite all the bad things, he's doing pretty good.

he seems pretty okay about it now, it did fuck him up in the past but I think he's turned it around for the better.

I just don't know, he seems like an amazing guy all around, except that he pushed me into sex. I like him but I don't know if I should.

I could probably ask him about it, and I definitely will try researching. unfortunately it seems like there are a LOT less sources out there for male victims than females.

[Celyn]

It does sound like something difficult that you are trying to figure out. You're right that learning what he went through may have helped to explain a little of why he didn't respect your boundaries and yet at the same time, knowing that it's no excuse. It also can be difficult when it's in the heat of the moment....is it worth talking to him again and trying to establish boundaries and rules before any future intimate situations?

I'm glad to hear that he had counselling. It does sound like he is doing well for what he went through, although while many people can go on to achieve and succeed in education, jobs etc., they may still have emotional or mental health struggles at times. I think in male rape survivors there is more of a stigma attached to what they went through, and statistically they are less likely to speak out and get help, meaning they may appear to be 'fine' on the outside, but may be struggling internally. So I think it's a good sign that the guy went for counselling!

There really are a lot less resources for males, unfortunately. I think the organisation 1 in 6 might be a good starting point though.

[hocus pocus]

Holly gave some good advice and I agree with what she has said. Everyone does react differently regardless of their sex. Overall, there are a lot of the same symptoms. However, I know several men who were raped or sexually abused in childhood and have seen a few differences.

I personally have a lot of shame myself but many of the men I know probably have more shame because they are male. To some people only women can be sexually abused by a man; a man can't be abused by a man or a woman, and so they have shame and even more shame when discussing it.

I also struggle with discussing it and being open about it but the men in my life struggle with that more. They are very closed off and they barely ever talk about it. Instead, they use other things like alcohol and drugs, to numb things for a while. All the men in my life who have been abused are also very angry. I am deeply angry, too, but I feel like it is somewhat different with them and I haven't figured out how so.

Lastly, we know the stereotype that "people who were abused become abusers" is false. However, sexual, physical, and mental abuse is very common in my family and has been for generations. So far, all of the men re-offended; only two of the women did. Not everyone who is abused abuses. There is an extremely low percentage of that. However, anyone of either sex can re-offend; it depends on their personality and the way they are with sex. Men struggle more with it because of the intense hormones they have. The people in my family who re-offended are very "extroverted" when it comes to sex and they have personalities that could be unhealthy for other people. For instance, if someone is selfish and very interested in sex, they are more likely to harm someone else when their past is added in the equation.

I am not implying your friend would re-offend, because I highly doubt he would. It was more of a general thing I've learned in my years of therapy.

That said, I can see how much you care about your friend and it is very kind of you.