Triggering: Bullying After Rape Made Public

[Wingardium27]

Hi guys.

As some of you may know, I was raped 4 months ago by a stranger. The police have started investigating 'properly' and are speaking to everyone who was at the disco when I was raped. The thing is, they've mentioned me by name to each person interviewed (around 70) so the majority of the year knows. The same people keep bringing it up around me, asking questions, making rape jokes etc. I've told them to stop so many times I've lost count and the pastoral care person has spoken to them all but they just won't stop. I tell them it upsets me, it brings back flashbacks and body memories etc but they won't listen. They do it because they think it's funny, particularly when they trigger me (on purpose) so they can laugh at me being 'retarded' during a flashback or a panic attack. Is there anything I can do?

Thanks.

[TheAtomicBlade]

I am honestly, shocked to say the least by your grade. Can you talk to a school counsellor or teacher to try and get them punished, and thereby get you some closure?
Is there any friend you have who can support you, and help keep the bullies away?
Again, I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you.
Wish you all the ebst.

[Celyn]

I'm so sorry you are being bullied because of the rape. Some people just don't understand the effects of rape, unfortunately, particularly young people who may not be so educated on the matter.

Are the police still conducting interviews? If they are, it might be worth asking if you can remain anonymous. I'd also advise to keep telling the pastoral team. Not only do most (if not all) schools in the UK have a zero tolerance bullying policy, but you don't deserve to be bullied over this and unfortunately, if the pastoral team aren't kept informed of what's going on, they may not realise the extent of the issue. Have you told your family about the bullying? If things don't seem to get better, you can always ask your family to talk to the school, to back you.

It may also help to think about what things can be put in place to prevent the bullying. If you wanted, you could talk to the pastoral care team about improving the education on rape- perhaps they can arrange an assembly for everyone to attend. Or you could ask the pastoral team to pass on the message to your teachers so that if the bullies are in your class, they keep an eye on things. And if the bullying happens at break or lunch, perhaps the pastoral team can offer a room that you can go in to get away from the bullying and to calm down after experiencing a flashback or a panic attack. If it happens during class, perhaps you can arrange with teachers that if you show them a coloured card, you can discreetly leave the room and go somewhere to calm down.

It would also be worthwhile talking to your school counsellor too as not only was the rape traumatic, but bullying is also horrible. Perhaps they can also help to think of more ways to prevent or manage the bullying better.

[NeuroBeautiful]

Siobhan,
This breaks my heart. I'm so so sorry this is happening to you. I cannot imagine how much pain you're feeling after such a traumatic event and then compounded by your peers. I wish I had something useful to say. All I can say is you're not alone and do what you can to express yourself. You're not alone and I know it can be hard to see outside this timeframe or beyond the 4 walls of your school when kids bully you, but know that this is not going to last. You will go out into the world and find people who respect you, you care about you. You have so much courage to have came here and shared this. I hope you can find something helpful here. I won't rant about my own situation but all I can say is I can relate to this and I don't know how I survived, i didn have Teenhelp that time but I did survive somehow and you're going to get through this too. We are here tight behind you.

Practical advice, I'm trying to think. Can you go back to the pastor and explain the situation? If not then a school counselor, or anyone who will start making consequences for their actions besides just talking to them becsuse that hadnt worked so far. . Msybe if thry had interactive material or reading a story about it or if a speaker came. There is a serious deficiency in compassion in your school. It is so sad, just seeing this from where I'm standing. Keep telling yourself that not all people will be that way. It is not your fault. You didn't choose to be raped or to get flashbacks or any of this.

I wish I can sit with you and be there physically and I'm sorry I can't.

Is there any group of kids you can stick to for support? When I was bullied at school there were times that I had a friend and that made such a difference in how I coped. We had assigned seats so I was around the kids who bullied me but she would tell me there's an empty seat on the other side of the classroom and that I should join her and that helped so much. Even when the teacher saw I changed seats she was luckily ok with it. I know it isn't much becsuse that friend was more of just a friendly classmate who stuck up for me but we werent otherwise close but having even one person around who is supportive can help so if there is someone like that stay around them for as long as you can even just chatting about silly things to pass time.
If physically you cannot create a safe space, if there's no place to go and no safe person to be around while at school, creating a mental space can be something you carry around with you in your mind. With practice the viduslixation gets easier. Try to imagine a space that is supportive, warm, and filled with comforting things. For example some people take consoling in nature. They may imagine the beach, the sand, the salty air, the bridge, sandcastles, etc. In addition if a person has a niece or nephew, they can add that to the beach scenery. Playing Frisbee on the beach with their favorite niece or nephew. Or taking a walk through the parks with their dog. Anyone or anything that feels safe is welcomed, living or passed or anything, it is all up to you. This can be a happy memory that has happened or something you'd like to do in the future.

For me, my safe space is a purple garden (the color purple makes me feel safe) I change up the space each time. Once I added a swing because that's what I was in the mood for.
Another time a lake and a boat.
Sometimes I'm pretending to do different things. Mountain climbing, sitting high up in a tree, camping in the deep forest. Sometimes I'm pretending to have unusual experiences, such as being a 1 inch tall person and how my perspective changes based on that.


These are the things I do for comfort when I'm filled with anxiety, I see it as a kind of playful activity, no right or wrong. I hope sharing this helps a little. I know it can be hard though. If at all possible, speaking to a professional about all this you're going through may help too.

Do your best to take care of yourself. Ask yourself what you need right now, when you're having a panic attack. If you need water or to just be alone and cry, allow yourself to have these things. If there is no one to talk to, write it on a piece of paper. Sometimes writing can be your best friend. But if you end up wanting yo share it, feel free to some here and post more.

Take care of yourself and keep updating.

[Wingardium27]

Originally Posted by aguy

I am honestly, shocked to say the least by your grade. Can you talk to a school counsellor or teacher to try and get them punished, and thereby get you some closure?
Is there any friend you have who can support you, and help keep the bullies away?
Again, I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you.
Wish you all the ebst.

I'm shocked too...

The school counselor is only in two days a week from an external place, so she has no real power. I tried speaking to the pastoral care woman and she told them not to do it again but it hasn't stopped them. However, I could ask a teacher to have a word with them (she knows everything that's gone on and she's sort of like a second mother to me). I have one friend who is amazing but fiercely protective and I had to dragged away from one of the bullies so she would beat the bully up

Thanks for the support and kind words.

All the best,
Siobhan

[Wingardium27]

Originally Posted by DutchWelshWolf

I'm so sorry you are being bullied because of the rape. Some people just don't understand the effects of rape, unfortunately, particularly young people who may not be so educated on the matter.

Are the police still conducting interviews? If they are, it might be worth asking if you can remain anonymous. I'd also advise to keep telling the pastoral team. Not only do most (if not all) schools in the UK have a zero tolerance bullying policy, but you don't deserve to be bullied over this and unfortunately, if the pastoral team aren't kept informed of what's going on, they may not realise the extent of the issue. Have you told your family about the bullying? If things don't seem to get better, you can always ask your family to talk to the school, to back you.

It may also help to think about what things can be put in place to prevent the bullying. If you wanted, you could talk to the pastoral care team about improving the education on rape- perhaps they can arrange an assembly for everyone to attend. Or you could ask the pastoral team to pass on the message to your teachers so that if the bullies are in your class, they keep an eye on things. And if the bullying happens at break or lunch, perhaps the pastoral team can offer a room that you can go in to get away from the bullying and to calm down after experiencing a flashback or a panic attack. If it happens during class, perhaps you can arrange with teachers that if you show them a coloured card, you can discreetly leave the room and go somewhere to calm down.

It would also be worthwhile talking to your school counsellor too as not only was the rape traumatic, but bullying is also horrible. Perhaps they can also help to think of more ways to prevent or manage the bullying better.

Hi Holly.

Thanks so much for the kind words and support. You've pretty much hit the nail on the head - but even if they don't understand, surely they can at least try to be sympathetic instead of making it worse for me?

The police have stopped conducting interviews as they've interviewed everyone who was present at the time. I've told the pastoral team again but nothing's changed. My family knows about the bullying and some of the things that have been said but they are reluctant to get involved because they think it will all just blow over (essentially sharing the opinion of the pastoral team and my useless counselor). However, I was considering asking my favourite teacher to talk to them (who knows absolutely everything that's gone on, including the self harm, flashbacks, panic attacks, anxiety, past bullying etc) as she is incredibly supportive and like a second mother to me.

I like the bullying prevention strategies you've mentioned. The assembly isn't possible as we aren't supposed to discuss it in public until the police have finished investigating (despite the fact that they've already made it pretty damned public ffs). The bullying mainly happens during classes and my teachers have been told to keep an eye out for it but the majority of them just turn a blind eye. The coloured card thing is a great idea though - I'll see if it's a viable option.

I'm not actually allowed to discuss the rape itself because it might interfere with the court process if the defendant can argue that my counselor has somehow influenced me or created false memories, and I don't really trust her at all (or think she's very good at her job - I told my favourite teacher more in 30 seconds than I did my counselor in 30 minutes). I suppose it's still worth a shot.

Thanks,
Siobhan

[Celyn]

Sorry to hear that people seem to think the bullying will just blow over. I definitely think it's a good idea to ask your favourite teacher to talk to them. I totally understand what it's like to feel so close to a teacher that not only can you tell them anything, but they are like a second mother to you. It's so good that you have that relationship with you, and I hope that she is able to help you too.

[Wingardium27]

Originally Posted by DutchWelshWolf

Sorry to hear that people seem to think the bullying will just blow over. I definitely think it's a good idea to ask your favourite teacher to talk to them. I totally understand what it's like to feel so close to a teacher that not only can you tell them anything, but they are like a second mother to you. It's so good that you have that relationship with you, and I hope that she is able to help you too.

I spoke to the teacher, who spoke to the pastoral team. The pastoral team said they wouldn't do anything unless it continued or escalated. I went back to the teacher who said she will talk to the girls in question. She seemed quite pissy about it (not only that I was being bullied but the fact that the school wasn't doing anything and my parents thought it would just blow over) tbh. Thanks for your kind words