Triggering (Abuse): She Forgot I Was Raped?

[Katie Lydia]

I have a best friend, I met her at college and we had this amazing connection, she's down to earth, hilarious and is always there for me. She lives quite a bit away from me so we don't see each other much and we keep in touch with Facebook.

On an old thread you'll see where I wrote about my rape by now ex-boyfriend, she was the first person I phoned when it happened and she was very supportive. A lot of my other friends were not supportive and actually suggested I was lying and my rapist stole a lot of my friends away from me because he was never seen as a thug, he was seen as a nice polite boy. But anyway..

I seen on Facebook that she had a conversation with him and was being very friendly and said she wanted a catch up with him, I see this and get upset and hurt and I send her a message saying pretty much that I'm hurt, I thought she believed me, if it was the other way around then she'd have my loyalty etc and I wish her all the best and I un friended her.


She's since replied that she forgot I was raped by him, she does smoke a lot of weed but there's a bit of me too confused by this? How can you forget your best friend was raped by someone you know!? She's bombarded me with messages saying she feels like an idiot, she's sorry, she forgot, her depressions bad.

I just have no clue where to go from this? Heeeeeeelp.

Hey there,

I can understand why you are confused. I think I would be confused, hurt and angry if I was in this situation. I can't tell you what to do in this situation because it has to be entirely left up to you but what I can tell you is to consider how safe you would feel with continuing a friendship with this person. Do you think you would be comfortable giving her another chance? If she has depression and smokes a lot of weed it is plausible that she forgot who raped you. I am not going to say whether or not I believe her because I do not know her. You need to decide if you can get over what occurred and move on with the friendship. How much do you care about her? Does it outweigh what occurred? Do you believe her? I think that is a key piece to consider. If you believe her then I think you should try and give her another chance and see what happens.

I hope that this helped and I am very sorry that this happened. I hope that you have/are getting support for the rape. I know that can be very beneficial to people.

If you need anything please feel free to message me.

[Rivière]

It's very understandable to you're upset with your friend. After all the time you'd spent confiding in her, I can only expect it to feel like somewhat of a betrayal to find that your best friend is talking to the very person who'd raped you, especially since she was especially supportive of you over the situation.

However, and this isn't to say I'm defending your friends actions, but sometimes there are a combination of reasons why people forget things, even things that can be a big deal. For instance, depending on how long ago the incident was, the guy comes across as nice and polite and as you've mentioned and that she's going through depression. Therefore as much as she tries her best to provide you with support, there may have been a moment in time where she'd got a little caught up in her personal life to think about how anyone else was doing or what had happened to them. These may not seem like valid reasons, but they are and there are times where we all forget things regardless of their severity.

I think the best thing you can do, if you feel you want to get things straight with your friend, is to talk to her. Again I understand how it must feel to have someone tell you they forgot what had happened to you, but you won't know why she forgot unless you chat with her and find out if there's something going on with her that she hasn't yet mentioned.

If/when you've chatted with her and you feel her reasons were/weren't good enough, then it's up to you to make a choice in whether or not you want to continue chatting with her.

[Eternal]

Her memory of you being raped is an episodic memory. Episodic memories are memories of our daily lives, such as what we had for breakfast, when we went to work, or in this case, what you told your friend. Everybody has failures with this type of memory. I understand why you're upset that she forgot he raped you because that is a very traumatic event, but I think because she is on good terms with him, she had a brief lapse of memory regarding what you had told her. It's okay to feel upset, but remember she didn't do this intentionally. It seems she feels really bad about it, so I think it's best to forgive her and remember it doesn't mean that she doesn't care or wasn't listening. Our memory isn't perfect.

As wrong as it may have seemed, I think you reacted too quickly by unfriending her. People with depression get too involved with their life, the negativity of it and their unhappiness. She probably did forget you were raped, and she probably does feel terrible about it. When she was talking to that guy who raped you, who's to say she wasn't pretending to be polite? It's really hard to tell when someone's being legitimate or fake over a Facebook conversation. Or maybe she tried reaching out to all her friends and used him as the last resort, because she knew he was your rapist. She probably didn't want to burden you with her problems, and now she's probably thinking what a crappy person she is.

I'm sorry you were raped, and it's not something someone can ever get over, really. You need all the support you can get, and this girl seemed like she was one of those support systems. I suggest you talk to her about this, figure out what's going on with her. Maybe even arrange to visit her, because I think seeing someone face-to-face can always revive a friendship that seems to be falling apart.

I also hope you are getting help for your trauma, talking about it with a professional definitely helps. They can help you figure out ways to cope healthily and, as in this case, not lash out at people without knowing the whole story.

It completely makes sense for you to have lashed out at your friend. I'm not saying you are wrong and she is right. Nobody is right or wrong in this situation.

[Katie Lydia]

Thanks for replying to all! (I seriously mean that, yo!)

I have had depression since I was 13 and I do know what it does but I've never heard of memory loss so call me sceptical. I phoned her the minute my rapist left my flat and she heard me crying and upset so I don't in anyway believe she forgot. I still meet up with her and I was visiting her a few months ago and I discussed it even then and she didn't forget then.

I was raped in October 28 2012 and phoned her the day it happened and she only removed him as a friend on Facebook three days ago? Nah, she didn't forget.

I hadn't replied to her messages, I wanted two days to just think and also I've been at work and didn't want to deal with it whilst at work. In those two days I've had messages from her boyfriend and now her MOTHER is bombarding me with messages making out her daughter is the victim. If you read the message the mother sent me without any context it looks like I'm bullying her for being depressed.

I was the one that was raped, I had people call me a liar, I had the police say I was obligated to have sex, I nearly got kicked out of college because I had to sit in class with my rapist. I'm done with people betraying me, I believe she's upset, but saying she forgot is bullshit, getting her boyfriend involved is childish and having her mother send me four paragraphs worth of texts telling me to be understanding and feel for her daughter.

[PorcelainDollAmethystEyes]

This is...not alright. It most definitely is not alright.


Over the course of my life, especially in middle and high school, I have encountered and befriended others who had been sexually abused. Rape is rape. They were forced against their will, their freewill impeded on. I've seen the lasting effects. Promiscuity. Or the exact opposite, the absolute fear of being touched. I am a rather touchy person. When I see or know someone is truly in pain, I wish to hold them close and be there for them. I befriended, possibly fell in love with someone who did NOT want me touching him because of the torture inflicted on him as a child. It took me considerable effort to follow his wishes because all I wanted to do was embrace him.

I probably should reign this in, and hold back. But I cannot condone the foolishness of others. You had been abused, traumatized in the worst way imaginable. A TRUE friend would've listened, then came posthaste and kicked down the door. Calling out the hounds and raising holy hell just to make sure you were safe and taken care of. She should not have left your side.

I have met friends and enemies who defended me in battles against those who wished to hurt me, or someone else. I have FOUGHT to keep those I deem mine alive and well and as sane as I can help them in being.

I cannot possibly understand what was going through her mind at the time. Whether she had truly forgotten, or was playing him up to try and gain information. Maybe a slight confession? But it doesn't mean she can bring her Mother or boyfriend on it. I get that shes 'hurt' and all, but she messed up. It may depend on what is happening, however as someone who had been hurt, you should be justified in your reaction. She needs to remember, needs to understand. What happened, and the result is not a walk in the park for. It continuously haunts , some days harder than others.

I do not know what else to say, but please continue to be strong. And as far as I know, from studies and what I can understand with faith. Karma will eventually come for him. He is not excempt from Punishment of the darkest kinds. It may not be today, it may not be soon, but eventually he will suffer.

Abusers do not need to look like thugs. They can seem like the nicest, sweetest person you can ever meet. But behind closed doors, and feel like they have you. It changes. Its small at first, but then eventually they show they're true colors. Its all an act in public, all lies that will eventually become nails on a coffin for them.

All you can do is pray, put on your mental suit of armor and look him straight in the eye and show you will not be destroyed. You will survive, you will thrive. You are an AMAZING person. A woman, a human female who carries the power of creation within you. Men may provide the seed, but woman labor and strive to create and carry another living breathing being inside of them. Woman are strong, powerful, and enduring. If you are as strong as I believe you can be, then you WILL continue to survive this.

It truly is in your hands if you wish to continue a relationship with your friend.

I know there are good men and women out there, as there stupid and evil.

Obligated my ass! The police should serve and protect, not shut you down.

I am somewhat apologetic for the rant. But injustice as to what you have suffered should not be condoned.

I believe this is as much as I can say.

Good luck, friend. God be with you.

I am here if you wish to message me...I hope I did not come on too strong by this.

[Katie Lydia]

Thanks for replying, I now see that she was no true friend of mine whatsoever.

The messages from her, her boyfriend and her mother have finally stopped and I was about to message her today but I decided to have a look at her Facebook and know and behold, she has re-added my rapist as a friend on Facebook! Completely and utterly done with her, unless she "forgot" he raped me again, I'm sick of my rapist stealing my friends and making me out to be the cruel one.

This is an unfortunate situation to be in. I think the fact that she re-added your rapist on facebook is definitely a sign of her true colors. If she was truly your friend and wanted to work through this she would 1) not have added him and 2) would not have gotten her mom and boyfriend involved.

I think the fact that she got her boyfriend and mom involved was very immature of her. You should always try and settle your friendship or relationship problems on your own accord.

You're rapist might have taken a lot from you but I assure you it doesn't have to continue. I think that you can find friends who will be understanding of the fact that you were raped and hurt by other people in your life. It can take time to find these friendships but I believe that it is possible. Don't let the negative thoughts and concerns worry you or stop you from reaching out to people and building friendships.

You can make it through this. What happened with your friend might have been discouraging but a true friend would rally behind you.

If you need anything please feel free to message me.