Triggering: I don't know if this was rape but there's something wrong with me

[Ambiance]

EDIT: Shortened so it's read-able.

I was at a party last night and one of my friends from high school was hanging around and chatting me up a lot. We both got really drunk and he put his arm around me at some point and I kind of laughed but I didn't push him away or anything and everyone else was leaving and he was massaging my shoulders and stuff and it felt nice so I let it happen but I fell asleep and he fell asleep. I woke up and was still drunk and I woke him up and made a move on him. We had to stop a couple of times because people came back in. I'm embarrassed because someone in the room next to us was awake the whole time and we didn't know he was, and that guy's girlfriend walked in on us, and they made some crude jokes because they knew we were having sex. It's just not something that ever would have happened if I wasn't exactly as wasted as I was and I feel ashamed and upset.

But here's the thing: He was touching me and I tried to move his hand a couple times, physically, and he wouldn't stop. I didn't tell him to stop and I had sex with him after it happened. But when the guy in the other room's girlfriend walked in, obviously we stopped, but I remember him touching me more before the door to the other room was shut and I remember him saying that he didn't think he could get hard again and I was like yeah okay let's stop and I started putting my clothes on and that was when, it was really abrasive too. I think he stopped before she shut the door but I can't really remember. I mean, I know that I was willing to have sex with him, but I talked to my friend and she said I couldn't consent because I was so drunk and she thinks I was raped. I don't think I was raped but something was wrong with the situation; I've had more consentually iffy situations, but this is the first time I've felt violated or regretted sleeping with someone.

I honestly don't know how to feel about it, but I'm really disturbed because I basically have always had fantasies about being dominated and it blurs the reality of situations in which my consent is iffy because part of me is into it. I know that's horrible but this is the first time that it's really made me feel horrible. I don't know what to do.

[hocus pocus]

Your friend is right; you can't consent when you're drunk. Even if there were times when you were okay with having sex, it can legally be considered rape or sexual assault because you were intoxicated at the time. It's understandable for you to feel all of these conflicting feelings right now. My best advice for you is to get all of this out. Don't keep it inside because it's extremely unhealthy and exhausting to deal with what you're feeling all by yourself. Maybe you can talk more of this out with your friend or someone else that you trust. You could also express yourself through art, or you could keep a blog or a journal to release your feelings.

[Ambiance]

I'm not really concerned about the legal implications so much as whether I was actually taken advantage of or not. I would never press charges, we're both old enough and it's not like he held me down or I actually said no. It's really just the fact that at some points I was trying to stop him from touching me and he didn't. I don't know if that boils down to drunken-ness on his part too or I should feel violated.

[hocus pocus]

Right, the legal implications don't matter as much as how you feel does. I don't think you have to say no, though, because it's possible to not tell someone to stop but to not say yes either. It's the fact that you weren't actually keen on having sex the entire time. Truthfully, I can't tell you if you were violated or not because I wasn't there. It really depends on how you feel and on what your instinct is telling you. I don't think it's about what you should feel, but what you feel regardless. Do you feel like you were taken advantage of? What is your gut feeling on it?

[Ambiance]

I suppose my gut feeling is that there was a breach of consent when he didn't stop and I am a little upset about that, but not that I got raped, because we were equally intoxicated and I asked if he had a condom before there was any implication of actual intercourse happening, but after the breach of consent. He also like lightly choked me and that's not something I would have a problem with sober or drunk but I guess now that I'm sober it baffles me that he did just did that with no knowledge of what I'm into. It adds to a slight sense of anger I have with him, but I think what I'm really struggling with is why I responded positively to acts that my friends consider an actual form of assault. I guess that's just something I would just have to talk over with a therapist, but it's giving me issues with my self image at the moment.

Thank you for the advice, it was very thoughtful and I appreciate it.