Triggering (Abuse): I think I might have been raped as a child?

[Loserboyy]

This might be a little long, so please be patient with me.
This all started because my best friend is currently in a relationship with a guy who tried to rape her last year. Even though she claims that "he changed" and "had no idea what he was doing before," I was just SO DAMN MAD that she would make that choice. I've always reacted very strongly to rape victims, but I've had no previous memory of being raped myself. Then I thought about something my dad said to me a few moths ago. First, he asked me if I had ever been sexually abused and when I said no, he told me that something happened to me when I was around five or six.
I was always a very social child. I loved making friends and talked nonstop. Suddenly, one day, my father was trying to make me pay for something at a toy store, but I started crying and freaking out because I didn't want to talk to the cashier and I didn't want to be seen in public. I've been living with crippling social anxiety ever since and suffer from frequent panic attacks. When the doctor went to examine my genitals, I threw a fit and pushed her off of me because I thought that she was trying to rape me. My mother got angry that her kids couldn't control themselves and I made such a big scene that we weren't allowed to go back to that doctor's office. Now, I am very closed off from other people and I often feel disconnected from my own body. Because of this, I started to wonder if I had ever suffered any abuse as a child that could've triggered my social anxiety and disconnection.
I started to look this up online and found that it is completely possible to block out traumatic experiences that happened during childhood. I started to look up lists of symptoms and found that most of the symptoms listed apply to me. The two that stuck out most were masturbating at a very young age and knowing about sex even though it was never explained to me. I never remember when I started to masturbate, but I think that it was well before I was eight years old. I distinctly remember that I was doing it frequently by third grade and most likely before that, too. Nobody ever told me what it was, I just did it.
Nobody has ever explicitly explained sex to me or given me "the sex talk" or the "Mommy, where do babies come from?" explanation that most kids get. I always knew what went where without anyone ever explaining it to me.
I got so scared about this possible blank in my memory that I even asked my father about it. My father and I are very close. He was molested by a janitor at his school when he was very young and only recently felt like he was able to open up about it. When I told him this, he said he always believed that I had been sexually abused. I had all the symptoms that he had and he didn't have much other explanation for why my personality changed so drastically when I was young.
With all of this information, I'm currently trying to figure out weather this deduction is true or not, who abused me, when it happened, and how it happened.
While trying to figure all of this out, I came across another symptom on an abuse website that popped out to me. It was the experience of recurring nightmares. I remember having two recurring nightmares as a child. One of them was a dream where zombie pirates would invade my house and try to kill my family (it happened after I watched the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Seven year old me was clearly traumatized by this) and the other, more important, nightmare was this horrible recurring nightmare that terrified me. I could never remember what happened in the dream, but when I woke up, I was reminded of dark spaces and leprechauns and I couldn't go back to sleep because I was so scared. Leprechauns never scared me and I really had no idea where that came from.
What if this weird leprechaun nightmare was the key to my missing memory? I've been trying to put together the pieces. Did something happen on Saint Patrick's Day? Nothing made sense to me. I started to think about people who reminded me of leprechauns. This brought me to the man that my mother had cheated on my father with. He was an old family friend and was a teacher in the same classroom as my mother at the middle school I attended. He was the person that my dad had originally suspected did something to me, but I always thought that it was just my father's anger that was driving him to think that way. Now, I think that he may be the main suspect. I never found him physically attractive, but when I wad in middle school, I was attracted to him in this weird way. I often thought that he was looking at me in a sexual way. I never felt this with any of my other teachers (or any grown ups at all). He came over to my house often when I was in elementary and middle school and there were many chances for us to be alone together. People were always telling me that my brother and I were like clones of my mother when we were little (which always made me irrationally angry. I knew my mother was very attractive), and if he was attracted to her, then maybe he was also attracted to me.
I don't know. If it did happen, I don't really want to remember. My dad is so convinced that someone raped me and I'm starting to believe it myself. I'm scared to find out the truth and I'm scared that if I keep digging, I might learn something else that I don't want to. It's hard enough being a depressed, gay kid with an absent mother and I don't need this kind of stress in my life. I genuinely hope more than anything that my suspicions are false, but I can't help but wonder. If anyone knows anything about repressed memories, please, PLEASE try to answer me about this and tell me what you think.

[hocus pocus]

Hi Max!

You're right, it's definitely possible to block out traumatic events, especially those that happen when you're younger. I do not wish to put my personal experiences out here, however, if you'd like some insight please feel free to send me a PM. When you cannot physically leave a situation, you brain will mentally leave and that's known as dissociation. Some people describe it as "blacking out" or as watching themselves from afar. If this did happen to you and you dissociated, memories will come back when your body thinks you're ready to deal with them. The reason why your body did this in the first place was to protect you, and it still might want to protect you for a while longer.

With that being said, I know uncertainty can be hard, but you cannot force your memories to come back. I know that thinking about it can sometimes make it all the more frustrating so perhaps you can do some things to keep yourselves busy. Your memories will come back when your body is ready to show you.

Your experience at the doctor when you were younger is an indicator that something may have happened. A lot of victims of abuse will flinch when they're being checked out at the doctor's. Excessive masturbation is also another sign of abuse as well. So is knowing about sex and things related without ever being told about it.

As for whether or not you went through something, trust your instinct with this. I believe you said that you don't wish to see a counselor and that's understandable but seeing someone will be essential for you to heal. Even if you don't know for sure about your past, seeing a counselor will be beneficial. I suggest seeing one that specializes in trauma, and there are therapies such as hypnosis and EMDR that help correctly store your traumatic memories. Someone compared the affects of abuse to cancer to me once; they said that in order to heal, you have to get your feelings and thoughts related to what you went through out of your body. It seems like you have a good relationship with your dad so I suggest confiding in him when you need to and possibly seeing if you can get some counseling.

Take care and feel free to send me a PM!

Hey there,

I think that Cassie gave you some really good advice so far. All I want to say is that if you have something to remember you will probably remember it when your body feels that it is ready to. It took me years to remember my abuse. I had a distinct feeling that something had happened to me but I could never remember it and then one day I got a memory but it was really vague. It took quite a few months after that before I got full blown memories. It basically wasn't until my body knew I was ready to accept the memories and could handle them that they came. I know that fact sucks because you want to figure all this out now but give it time. Try not to stress to much over it and with time you will figure it all out. You have taken the first step, I believe, which is accepting the possibility that something might have happened. Now, with time you might end up getting the memories of those moments.

I am wishing you the best of luck and if you need anything please feel free to message me.

[WhisperingSilence]

yes it is possible to block out certain things I did this when i was being sexually abused blocked it out whilst it was happening even though i knew it was happening i blocked it out if that makes sense ?

[Celyn]

Hi there,

Most people probably react strongly when hearing about rape, but more so if they have been affected by rape themselves, even if that means having no memory of it, you may have been triggered. This is also true for when you saw the doctor and were afraid of what was going to happen.

It is also possible if you were sociable as a child, and one day this stopped and you developed anxiety. Children don’t have the coping mechanisms to deal with trauma such as rape and sexual abuse. When this happens, children’s behaviour can change instead, and you can go from outgoing to withdrawn. Sexual abuse also can cause depression, anxiety and panic attacks, as well as feeling disconnected from your body.

You are also right that it is entirely possible to block out traumatic experiences, and a good give away of abuse is age inappropriate sexual knowledge and behaviour. This is also true for nightmares. It can be hard when you feel like you are missing parts of your memory and are trying to piece what you have together. This can be helpful for you to find closure, and to try to move on, but is not always necessary for overcoming your feelings. However, you may want to get professional help not only to help with this, but also manage your symptoms of anxiety and depression that you experience.

As the others have said, you can’t force yourself to remember. If anything happened, you will remember when your body feels you are able to cope with this.

Take care