Triggering (Abuse): Raped and feeling like giving up :(

[Breathe~me]

So I may as well make this as short as I can but still state what happened. I'll start from the beginning. I'm 17 years old and when I was 14 I was diagnosed with severe depression because of my dad's constant emotional abuse, the physical and verbal bullying I received at school and sexual harassment by a group of guys at school. My life since then was filled with suicide attempts, overdosing and cutting. Teachers did nothing about the bullying at school so I was left alone. I engaged in counselling after not long and was yoyo-ing with different anti-depressant medications. I got into smoking and occasionally still have a smoke now and then to ease the pain of reality. I've never been a popular girl, people look at me like I'm a freak at school. None of the guys like me there... I decided to try a website that was sort of like a chatroom after a while... (Tagged.com) and I went on there for like a year. I got bored a few weeks ago and went on there again.


I met a really nice guy (or at least he seemed nice) and we agreed to meet up at a public park in town after school. He's 19... and he wanted to meet me again... I guess I was stupid to assume just because he was talking to me nicely and was only two years younger that he couldn't hurt me... He wanted me to spend the weekend with him... I lied to my parents and told them I was going to a friend's for the weekend. I took the bus down to his house and stayed the weekend. Friday night we shared 2 bottles of jack daniels (alcohol) with coke and obviously that effected me physically.... I'd never done drugs before but he asked me if I wanted to try a bong and I guess as I am a teenager I was curious so I did. I remember then going to his bedroom with him expecting to fall asleep and he tugged my pants off, I tried to pull them up, once he got them off, he had his hands pushing mine against the bed, choked me and he raped me....


My grades have dropped since then (failing) and I've been feeling so depressed and having weird flashbacks in my head during the day. I've been cutting constantly and starting going deeper... I feel like I can't handle this anymore, I really want to die now. I just need to. Theres nothing left of me. I saw a police lady from child protection and she told me that It's normal to feel depressed after losing my virginity and gave me a talk about 'unnatural sex'- it wasn't my choice where he stuck his dick I didn't want it at all. I told him I didn't want to have sex. I said stop. I was crying..... My mum knows and she says it's my fault and to stop playing victim. I know I screwed up with the lieing where I was and everything but nobody gets it.

I don't want to be here anymore I need help. I'm all alone now.

[Lizzie9597]

Hey there

Please know, it's not your fault. Just because you lied about where you were, doesn't mean its your fault that you got into the situation that you did. Teenagers lie all the time to their parents about where they are/who they hang out with because they're scared their parents will say 'No, you can't go.'

I am very sorry for what happened to you. But please, you don't need to die, even though you must be feeling so utterly helpless and worthless. Please know, you matter. Ignore what your mum says-it isn't true. Speak to someone who you like and trust. As lame as it sounds, maybe the school counselor?

You are a good person, you've just had a lot of crap to deal with. But there's so much out there for you, please dont give up now.

Message me anytime if you need.

[Breathe~me]

Thanks and we don't have a school counselor at school, we only have a guidance officer who is meant to be there for the kids who need help. But when I talked to her about it, she saw nothing other than the legal side of things and phoned both my mum and the police. I've talked with her several times before about all different issues and the best advise she can give me is "Things will get better" which is not much help to me as I can't believe that things will. I want to die more than ever and it's not like my presence even matters to anybody.

[hocus pocus]

Your presence matters to me.

I'm terribly sorry about all that has gone on in your life lately. Any form of abuse gives life long emotional scars. Some of which are hard to work through, but I know that you can. You told him to stop and he didn't obey your wishes. What he did to you was rape and it is not your fault, at all. You're human, and you made a mistake when you lied about where you really were that night.

How long ago did this happen? You don't have to answer that question, just think about it. If it has been less than about a month you might be able to get examined to get evidence against this guy if you wish to charge him for what he did to you. Regardless, if you haven't already it is a good idea to get checked out for damage or tearing.

A lot of people receive flashbacks after a traumatic event such as this. If you can, try and keep yourself grounded. Be sure to remind yourself that you have survived the event and that you are here in the present. I have found it very helpful to say what I'm doing. For instance, it is Monday, April 7th, 2014. I am at my laptop and I am on TH. If you have a childhood toy or something like that to make you feel safe, you can also try holding it tightly.

Since you don't feel like the school guidance counselor is helping you, can you ask her to refer you to someone else? Possibly a therapist outside of the school? You can also speak to another adult at school that you trust such as a teacher or other staff member. I know that dealing with the aftermath of being abused can be really hard and embarrassing at times. However, in order to heal you have to get your thoughts and feelings associated with your abuse out there.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk!