I think I was raped and I don't know what to do..?

So I'm not really sure how I feel about this situation that had happened? I'm confused and I think I need outside opinions on the matter. It may take a while to explain.. But help would be wonderful. :/

To start off I should probably give a background of myself, I've been depressed for about 7 or 8 years (since I was about the age of 10) and have been through a lot of social, relationship, and suicidal issues. I also have major anxiety and guilt issues, along with OCD tendencies (compulsive thoughts, skin picking, ect.) and really bad insomnia.

It all started with my ex. He was not a good guy, but he knew a lot of people. I got to know a lot of these people when we were dating, but a lot of them left me after he made an extreme attempt to ruin my life (posting my sexual life on his facebook and threatening me with pictures, to make the public think I'm a whore when I'm really not and then telling me various put downs that still make me sad half a year later). There was one of his friends who stayed friends with me, and this is the guy who.. Well.. "raped" me.

We had gotten close within the months we talked, slowly learning things about him, I had really started to like him and he liked me. We planned to go out. But, we had never really met in person before. We decided to meet. I went to his house. I thought things were finally getting better for myself, but boy was I wrong. Things were fine at first, until he came over to me and started kissing and feeling me. I was okay with this, didn't think it was too much harm, even when he had his hand in my pants I was mostly okay with it but still rather uncomfortable. He told me to give him a blow job, I didn't really want to.. But he pushed my head into his crotch area anyways until I did. And every time I took it off he would push it back, that's when things were starting to get scary. He started asking for sex. I said no. He kept asking while getting on top of me and putting all of my weight on me. I kept saying no, no sex, not yet, I wanted it to be special, I tried to shove him off but he was putting all of his weight on me. He kept saying please while he pushed his... well, thing, in. Since I am petite it hurt quite a bit, after he put it in he said "Baby don't worry I want to be with you I'm not using you" and he promised to tell no body. Since it was already in and I couldn't stop it I basically just let it happen, still not agreeing though. After he was finished I felt as if it never happened. Smiled. Cuddled. Felt fine. As if he didn't just rape me. Kind of like I was pretending. And then he told me that we weren't really together like he had said during sex.. Which upset me greatly.

After I got home it all sunk in, I felt used, raped, betrayed, lied to, and sad beyond belief. I felt like every guy I got close to just hurts me, I couldn't believe something like this actually HAPPENED. It's still hard to believe. I cut myself that night for the first time in my life, which I had promised myself I'd never do. I am still going through phases in cycles, from extremely depressed, to blank, to fine as if nothing happened and it goes over and over and over.

This is where my confusion comes into play. All of my friends tell me to call the cops, yet I feel I can't. I feel it is inappropriate to do that. I feel I don't want to hurt him even though he hurt me terribly. We talked tonight and he acts as if he feels extremely bad about it but then also pretty much blames me saying I should have listened to him (but he never did say he was going to rape me?) and then talks about shooting himself and that everyone leaves him. So my friends are mad at me for not calling the cops and I feel too terrible to fully get him out of my life because I don't want to hurt him. I feel extremely guilty for something I shouldn't be feeling even sympathy for at all. I don't understand how I'm feeling. I feel closed in. And not sure what my next move would be... Any help would be great full....Thanks :/

Hey there,

Firstly you should know that what happened was not your fault. You very clearly said no and he chose not to listen to you.

I believe that the phases you are going through are completely normal as well. I think that when something like this happens it turns the our emotions upside down. But, you will get to a better place. I think it is important that you consider counseling to deal with all of this. Counseling is probably one of the greatest tools when it comes to healing from rape.

I know your friends are upset about what happened but don't feel pressured into going to the police. Yes, what he did was wrong but filing a police report is a very personal decision. You wouldn't be doing anything wrong if you filed a police report and you do not have to protect this guy. Remember that you need to do what is best for your well-being and if that means you don't file a report that is okay.

Lastly, I think it would be a really good idea if you cut off contact with this. It might be really hard for you to do but he is a negative person and you don't need him in your life. He hurt you very badly and he doesn't deserve a second chance. I think the best thing you can do is block him so that he cannot contact you any longer. The more distance you put between the two of you the better. By cutting off contact you will be taking care of yourself which is something you should always do.

I really hope this helped and if you need anything please feel free to PM/VM me.