Triggering: Sex After Rape

[Theonlyone12]

Hey y'all.

So, long story short to spare you any of the unimportant details. I was raped last fall by someone I was dating. I had absolutely no interest in dating anyone afterwards until a few months ago when I met someone amazing. He's the first person I shared my experience with and was very understanding and sweet, we have been taking our time and haven't had sex yet, although both of us have wanted to.

The thing is, I am a very sexual person, I dated a lot of people, but prior to being raped I was a virgin. Not for any particular reason just because I hadn't met anyone who I wanted enough to have sex with. The guy I'm with now is the first person I've actually been really turned on by and wanted to be with.

I didn't tell him I was a virgin.

I feel like the first time is going to be awful, and I just want to get it over with. Everytime I get ready to go to his house I feel a little panicked because I know I have to do it soon, I want to, but my body tenses up at the thought.

I've even tried to use a dildo on myself to see if I can convince myself that it won't be as bad as I think. But I can only get it in 3 or 4 inches before it feels really uncomfortable and not right. I don't know if actually being with him will feel different, maybe I'm just not doing it right.

How can I get myself to relax ??? I'm getting extremely frustrated

[i_like_black]

It's understandable to have trouble relaxing after what you've been through. I think it's important for you to communicate with your current boyfriend that prior to your rape, you were a virgin. It's also important to remember that it takes a long time for a lot of people to relax with sex - and if it's too much for you to be fully penetrated (for lack of better phrasing) the first time, this guy should understand. Some is better than none, I figure.

It's cool that you trust him and want to be with him, but do tell him how you're feeling - because in this situation it's important for him to help you feel relaxed as much as possible, because by being in this position with him you're making yourself incredibly vulnerable. It's not a bad thing, but it's a scary thing, and if he can consistently reassure you that he's not going to abuse that privilege then it may help you to relax.

Other than that, deep breathing may help, as will fantasising what it will be like if it goes well and everything's nice.

I don't think your first time should be about "getting it over with" - it should be more of a chance for your current partner to see how much you trust him and want him - and he will understand that more if you can tell him a bit more about what's happened.

Sorry, I don't know how helpful this was. But good luck.

[Emileenicolee]

I agree with Jess, if you feel at all uncomfortable, slow down. Because you should never rush into anything sexual because then you might end up regretting it and it could just cause more problems for yourself. In this case, you really should think about yourself and your own health.

I know that it took me years to finally trust someone enough to have sex. It's different for everyone in these scenarios and you just have to remember that you should always talk these things out and explain how you feel to your current boyfriend.

[Lamia]

It's really understandable, natural, in fact, that you feel uncomfortable by this. You say "I know I have to do it soon" but really, you don't. If this guy is as understanding and sweet as you say he is, he'll wait. Even once you do decide to do this, it's still something that you should talk over with him and make sure he understands how big of a deal it is to you. If it gets too uncomfortable and you need to stop, then you need to stop, and that's not a bad thing.

Just relax now, take your time, and don't feel rushed or pressured to do anything.

The fact that you and your partner both want to have sex with each other does not mean you have to rush into it or "do it soon." After a traumatic experience it is important to fully heal before moving forward physically with anyone. There is no pressure to have sex until you feel 100% ready to. If your partner is putting pressure on you, have a talk with him about how important it is for you to go at your own pace. If it's you putting pressure on yourself, it's important to give yourself permission to do things in your own time.

As for the dildo, the first few times the vagina is penetrated by something the size of the penis takes some getting used to, as the body hasn't used those muscles before. I would suggest doing some slow, deep breaths and going very slowly. If it hurts, stop, then try and continue after a few moments if you want to. Using lube will help this process be much easier, too.

[Theonlyone12]

Thanks for all of your advice guys

Last night just felt right, I wasn't nervous and was really wet so we tried. He was able to penetrate me no problem but after a minute of him thrusting I got this burning sensation, like a carpet burn, and we had to stop. Is that normal ? Lubrication isn't the problem, maybe it's just my muscles stretching I'm not sure.

Also, I didn't bleed last night but I've had really light bleeding all day? Normal ?