Would this be considered rape?

[LadyLeila]

I came back to my dorm drunk one night. A friend of mine who I had hooked up with in the past messaged me around 1:00 and asked if I would come over to watch a movie. I said yes, knowing we would likely hook up (make out - not sex). I went over there and we started making out. I told him I didn't want to have sex, but that we could do other things.

We made out for a while, and then slowly more of my clothes were off, as were his. I didn't notice until neither of us were wearing anything. He asked me if I would have sex with him and I said "No, sorry, I'm not on birth control." and he said he had a condom, but I still said no. We continued making out, and he asked a second time; again, I replied with a no. We made out some more and he asked a third time "are you sure you don't want to?" I said I was sure, and that I wasn't on birth control. I was getting uncomfortable, but my better judgement had left me and I continued making out. He asked a fourth time "I mean, are you sure? I'll wear a condom and I won't even finish. It'll be fine, I promise... I just want to know what it feels like to be inside of you." (the last line makes me sick) I was tempted and annoyed that he wouldn't stop asking, so I said "fine." and then he put on a condom and we ended up having sex.

I'm guilty because the act itself was enjoyable, but I said no three times. He was not nearly as drunk as I was. I said fine to shut him up about it. I don't know if that would be considered rape or sexual abuse or what. I don't know... I just feel weird and guilty about it.

I told my friends and they were all taken aback by the story and said it was definitely sexual harassment, some said rape. I don't know. It just feels weird anyway. It's too late to do anything about this situation now, but I want to know what this situation would be considered..

[Mitch]

From what I was taught in school, yes and no.
Yes because you were both intoxicated (and you claimed to be drunk) therefore neither of you can legally give consent.
On the other hand, considering you remember what you said and what happened, and that you know you said "yes" (and that he was sober enough to ask 4 times), then it sounds quite consensual and I don't think that if you were to pursue legal action that it would end with a nice outcome.
I think it would pass for sexual harassment but again, I think the pros of action against your friend just doesn't outweigh causing a massive rift between families/friends etc. I think it's best to learn from the experience and know that you don't have to feel pressured to have sex, if you feel uncomfortable. It's your body. We all make mistakes and I really think that is what this was. You already knew that you would end up making out with him before you went but your lack of judgement (due to the alcohol) made you make the choice to go.
Um, that's all I can offer on it, I may be wrong, but it's just what we were taught and how I understand it.

[LoveHopeandFaith]

Unfortunately you legally would not be able to do much. What he did was horrible. He should have listened the first time you said no. You went over there and eventually said yes though, so he would be able to use that if needed. In no way was what he did right, but like I said, you would most likely not achieve anything by going after him. Just try to move on. I know that seems stupid and impossible. I am hoping I do not come across as insensitive because I understand how this can be horrible for you. I just do not want you to beat yourself up over this. We do stupid things that we end up regretting and nothing we do can fix it. You made a decision and he used it to make you feel guilty about it. Just use it to help you know what not to do next time. I wish you the best of luck and I hope my words did not offend you or hurt you in any way. You are in no way alone and I understand.

[CorrieUSMC]

Technically, maybe. It would depend on how your State and/or country has their penal law set up for Rape & Sexual misconduct. technically while a person is Intoxicated with Alcohol they can not consent legally to Sex. But it becomes a "He says / she says" thing. You are fully able to go to the Police and make a statement, but would anything stick in the end ? Maybe... It would depend on the the Justice system. In my book it would be rape.

[LuckyNo.Infinity]

First, I'm sorry.
I know that it can feel awful, a strange kind of sickening, when you're that intimate with someone under conditions that aren't ideal or even desirable to you.

And I can't speak on his behalf, but his words from what you wrote didn't seem to be forceful at all... and the eventual affirmative response from you (especially considering the nature of the, shall we say case he made) was likely interpreted as agreement despite a distinct lack of enthusiasm.

In my opinion, he should have asked if you were sure after the "fine" at the very least, and really ought to have quit after the first "no"- a no is a no is a no... but for your sake in the future, and forgive me if this sounds insensitive but it's something you should be aware of: whenever you offer excuses for your decisions, then you communicate that those decisions are contingent upon the relevance of whatever issue your excuse has highlighted. Anyone wanting you to make a different decision, then, would naturally assume that eliminating whatever issue your excuse addresses (in this case, pregnancy) may reasonably result in your answer changing. It doesn't make it right, but "no, I'm not on birth control" is read in the mind as "no, because I'm not on birth control" which makes it easy to imagine that the answer might, or even would be yes if you were on birth control... see what I'm getting at?

So please, just say no if you mean no. You don't owe anyone an explanation for anything, especially when it concerns your body. If you're going to expound upon your answer then do so to as a means of clarification, not to offer an excuse because as I said you don't owe any explanations. Hell if you owe anyone an excuse. Good things to say are "I (really) don't want to" (a gentleman will respect this, period, but desires can change and he may still attempt to convince you without understanding) or preferably, "I'm not comfortable with that" and establish clear boundaries.

That said, this doesn't take anything away from how you feel. If you would honestly deem yourself to have been too incapacitated to have gotten your point across clearly (judgin by the nature of the conversation I wouldn't guess offhand that this was the case, but I wasn't there) then the situation should definitely be reexamined.

I think you should look deeper into what you're feeling... To me, part of respecting my body is having sex because I want to, and not just because I want to kill a feeling, convince someone of something, or to shut them up about it.

And if at any time, you want someone to stop, then say so and that's what should happen. Never feel bad for making decisions (even what feel like after-the-fact decisions) about your body.

I'd even suggest talking to him about it. "Listen, I need to work something out and I think you should hear it."- it may cause him to be more sensitive in the future because there's a weird ambiguous line we're all addressing here and it's only clarified by their actions after your feelings have been made known, and it's never too late to flesh these things out.

<3

Lux

[LuckyNo.Infinity]

Another note, but almost entirely repetitive: going over there means nothing (a jury might disagree, but know). What you communicate matters. So especially with regards to sex or your safety, communicate as deliberately and as clearly as possible.

[Jesus Christ.]

I just think you need to learn how persistent a man can be.