Triggering (Abuse): Past Rape causing Recent Panic Attacks, Flashbacks, and Nightmares...

[MBach528]

Back in July, I was raped by my ex-boyfriend.

We had dated for about three weeks (yeah, I know, not long, but he was my first boyfriend ever and he completely brought me out of my depression). When he broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated and heartbroken. I had cried for hours every day and night after. So when he texted me two weeks after we broke up, saying he wanted to see me, hold me, touch me, kiss me again, I couldn't refuse. I missed him so much, I hoped things would go back to normal.

So we met at my local ice cream parlor (an outdoor place). I was there first. When he got there, he sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around me and kissed me, the same passionate kiss we had shared just a couple weeks ago. He suggested we go behind the building, into a little forest, where we could talk and settle our problems privately. I agreed, too innocent to realize, at the time, that he was staring right at my breasts.

When we got to a place where nobody could see us, we sat down and he started kissing me again. Before I knew it, we were making out. He started touching me in ways he knew I wasn't comfortable with, but I didn't argue or protest because I so desperately needed him back - he had pulled me out of my depression for a time, he had stopped me from self harming and I actually felt happy ALL THE TIME. I wanted that back, I NEEDED that back. So I let him continue.

But when he slipped his hand up my shirt, I pulled away. I told him that I couldn't, my past sexual abuse was still too fresh. I told him we needed to slow down. He pulled me into another deep kiss and asked me if I trusted him. I told him that I couldn't after he cheated on me. He then apologized for hurting me like that before, and started kneading my breast.

He told me he loved me and wanted to be my first everything. Then he laid me on my back, straddled my waist, and lifted my shirt up. I squirmed under him, trying to get away. He said, "C'mon baby, don't you love me?" I told him I wasn't sure if I could anymore and started to back away some more. He then grabbed my wrist and pulled me to him, which triggered flashbacks of my previous assault. He told me he didn't want to scare or hurt me.

I started to cry. I told him I can't, and he said I didn't have to do anything, he could do all the work. With that, he took my shirt off and slid his hands under my bra.

I'm not proud to admit that I gave up. I let him do whatever. I was terrified that this was happening again, and I didn't have the courage to fight like I had the last time I was assaulted. He forced me to give him a blowjob. When he started to enter me, I shoved him away, finally realizing that I still could fight. He tried twice more to enter me, but I kept shoving him away. At one point he was all the way in... I finally slapped him, hard, across the face. I got dressed and ran, all the way home. I felt so disgusting and sick. No matter how many times I showered, the disgusting feeling wouldn't leave me. I kept thinking, "why did I let this taken again?"

Recently, I've been having more nightmares and flashbacks about this. I've come to terms with what happened, with the fact that it was rape. However, the flashbacks and nightmares are worse then before.

I don't know for sure, but I think I have an idea of why I'm feeling this way. For the three months after the rape, there was a pregnancy scare. I had missed my period three months in a row, I was gaining weight, having cravings, I had morning sickness, basically all the signs of pregnancy. I was about to get a pregnancy test when I got my period. But this is around the time I would have been due. I'm wondering, could that maybe be triggering my flashbacks and nightmares??

[MBach528]

.........

I'm having flashbacks and a panic attack right now............

[hocus pocus]

I am so very sorry that this happened to you.

The same thing happened to me. I also get flashbacks, nightmares, and hallucinations daily.

Since I'm going through this myself right now, I don't really have advice to give. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone

Panic attacks suck. Just remember to control your breathing. Usually, staring at an object while controlling my breathing helps me.

PM or VM me any time. You're such a wonderful person, I hope you know that.

[MBach528]

Aww, thank you so much Cassie. You're so sweet.

[hocus pocus]

You're welcome Do you feel any better?

[MBach528]

A little. It's kind of nice to know that I'm not alone, but that thought almost makes me feel worse. I mean, the thought that other people go through the same thing I went through. People shouldn't have to experience that kind of suffering, not even the worst people who exist.

[hocus pocus]

I know what you mean. I don't wish this kind of suffering on anyone. It's going to be something that we're going to have to deal with for the rest of our lives. For me, the flashbacks and the hallucinations are the worst.

Hey, darling.

I don't have a lot of advice to give since I've never been through a rape or sexually abused so I'm sorry for that. I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry this happened to you, both you and Cassie. That's really awful and nobody deserves to go through that. I love both of you guys! You're both awesome friends and I just want you to know I'm here if either one of you need to talk. You are not alone. <3

Something that may help you when you have panic attacks is like Cassie said, focus on an object. Maybe going for a walk might help as well? You could get some air, feel a little free. Might be really refreshing.

Hope you feel better, darling.

Stay Strong <3

[Digit.]

Im am also so sorry you had to go through this. Im here if you need me.
I've never been sexually abused but I do know a lot about things like hallucinations. Try carrying around something(i suggest a necklace or bracelet) and whenever you think your having an episode just stare at that and say to yourself
This is real ,nothing else.

It helps you lose focus on what your going through.



I hope I helped
your a wonderful person and I want you to feel better
Im here if you need me