Triggering (Abuse): Acquaintance Rape?

[Raining Glitter]

Hey everyone. I know I haven't been on here in ages, and I'm deeply sorry for that. This semester has been the most awful semester of my life. It continues to get worse. Anyways, onto topic.

Last night... I got sexually assaulted/acquaintance raped by one of my very close guyfriends. This is a guy who I was hoping to date next semester, once my life calms down. He knew I liked him but we had several talks and put up boundaries because I cannot handle dating someone right now. He is someone who told me I could trust him. He told me that he'll help me through my newly discovered trauma from my abusive home life. He was my friend. He was my first kiss. He made me feel so amazing...

Last night, after work, I went to his dorm and watched a movie. We cuddled like normal. The movie ended and we turned off the lights and cuddled like normal. Several hours later, things got sketchy. I think he thought I was asleep. His hands went from rubbing my waist/upper body to groping my butt-something he never did before. I was actually okay with that because it was still outside my sweatpants.

But then his hands started slipping inside my sweatpants and underwear, on my butt side. He starts groping me in my pants. He knew that was completely breaking one of my boundaries. He would constantly re-position me, move my body around, as if I'm a rag doll, so he could get better grip on me. He then also started dry humping me (me facing him) while groping me like that. He continued to do that and then even pulled my underwear and sweatpants down under my butt (the front was still fine) and grope me like that underneath the blanket.

Another thing he did was position my face/mouth so not only was it against his face, but my lips touching his. He knew very well I am not ready to continue kissing. We agreed to it verbally: even had a long discussion about it. But here he was, assuming I was asleep, forcing my face to face his (I'd adjust away and he'd re-grab my phase every time) and try to kiss me, get his tongue into my mouth. I'd "accidentally" nearly bite his tongue and that would get him to stop for a bit.

He also tried to position me so he could have his face against my boobs. Too bad for him I wore a crappy bra and I'm flat chested to begin with (and also had a t-shirt on) so he gave up on that quick.

He never went inside me though. But he presumed I was asleep the whole time. He never said my name or talked to me during it. He never asked. It's weird because normally he would ask.

The bad part is, I just laid there like a log and let him. I thought I'd always be the one who puts guys in place. But it's like he was one of my best guyfriends... Someone who I liked. Last time something similar to this happened, he begged me to go along with it & kept pressuring me. I didn't say anything about it this time. If I made a fuss, his roommate was also in the room. That would cause more drama. I didn't want him to get in trouble, he's my friend and he's been there for me in ways that I had never had someone there for me before... If his roommate found out, he would probably tell all the guys in his lit society, which would cause a big scene and drama, definitely since I do not want the whole campus to know about this, whether people defended me or not.

Plus, I wanted to see how far he'd take it and thought I'd stop him at a certain point. It's confusing though what he did and everything it kinda hurts me a lot. He's suppose to be my friend. He was not acting like one. If you need to whip someone around the bed like a rag doll, I'm pretty sure she's not consenting.

I talked to him today about it. He says he doesn't remember any of it... He claims he did it in his sleep. This may be a possibility; I know there is a sleeping disorder where you behave sexual activities while asleep. But he could be lying... Even if it is the sleeping disorder and it was out of control, I'm still hurt and damaged from it. He acted like "oopsies" today. He said he won't let it happen again... The thing is, if it was the sleeping disorder, it is out of his control and he needs help in order to prevent it from happening again. If it is not the sleeping disorder, he fucking lied to me and used me. He does know better. No "Oh, I know well" because it's fucking common sense that you do not treat another person, let a lone a female friend, like that.

He keeps acting now like everything is back to normal, ect. He thinks I'll still be with him next semester. No. I don't care the true reasoning behind what happened, I cannot be in a romantic relationship anymore. He knows I have fucking trauma from the abuse at home. He knows I'm unstable and can't handle a relationship right now and he agreed to not invade my boundaries. But he kept pushing me and I fucking let him in. I never cuddled like that with someone... and now he took it too far without my consent. This is exactly why I wanted to avoid relationship right now! I have enough shit to deal with! I gave it a fucking try and he took advantage of me, just like every other guy it seems. I can't handle this and I'm exactly where what I feared I'd be. I was fucking right and I hate it.

Guys, I have no clue what to do. It's the end of the semester and I'm already late on my assignment but I can't focus and it's awful with everything. I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to limit my time with him, which I know he won't be happy about... But whatever he can go kneel over in a ditch for all I care right now. I don't want to report him. It wouldn't be a strong enough report to begin with, and well I think maybe he'll learn his lesson from this. It's not worth the drama because the whole campus would find out and ugh...

It sucks because he's my friend and associated with my minor and I'll have to deal with him for the next three years. I can't believe he did this to me. I needed support, not more assault and abuse. Why is my life keep getting worse?

[Jack Lowden]

Stacie, if you weren't comfortable with what your "friend" was doing, you should have told him to stop. I know you're upset about this & I don't want to make you feel worse, but I don't see anywhere in there that you said no or stop. Even if it was a "sleep disorder", I'm sure that yelling or screaming no if he kept doing it would have woken him up. I'm sorry this happened & I know you probably feel shitty & guilty, but stuff happens. Tell this guy that what he did, asleep or not, was not okay & you don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries. & That also means that since you know how he is now, don't cuddle with him, hell don't even be alone with him. But you HAVE to speak up for yourself is something is bothering you.

Remember that this is coming from a friend & I'm always up for a talk on skype or texting. I hope you're okay.

[Raining Glitter]

I did say no, stop it a few times, but not firmly or directly and he probably assumed I was sleep talking. The reason why didn't put up much of a fight was because his roommate was in there. If I make a fuss, the roommate would make a fuss. I don't want my friend getting in trouble or having the campus turned against him. I don't want anyone even knowing about this. I was in his room by choice... and we were close. It just would look bad and I honestly can't handle that negative stigma right now. I have enough on my plate with my homelife to begin with.

I just was hoping it wasn't as bad as I think it was. That it was all in my head. Because why the fuck would he do that to me? I don't understand it at all. So I laid there. But I didn't respond back to him. I didn't make it easy for him. I played dead. I would constantly adjust/roll away, but he would use his fucking strong arms and grab my face and put it against his every time I would move away. I nearly bit his tongue. It was clear that I was not reacting back the way someone who you care about would.

He also knows how it's hard for me to say no. The same thing with saying no happened on the trip. I would, he guilt tripped me and told me to calm down in order to not start a scene. Told me to just fucking go along with that. When we talked about it, he said it was to keep me calm, but now I'm having second thoughts on his intentions.

He knows the reason why it's hard for me to say no is because how I was raised: how it was fucking programmed in my mind. If someone cares about you, you give them what they want and you let them express how much they love you. My mom always gives me these painful hugs that are suffocating and uncomfortable. I need to just lay there in her arms while she kisses me saying how much she loves me, until she done. You fucking play dead. It's easier to deal with the situation once they finished. I knew I probably should have said something, but it's like he's suppose to care about me and I didn't want to get him in trouble or upset him or be a bitch. I didn't want to be that fucking ungrateful person my mom tells me I am.

He fucking knows I'm like this, we had several strong discussions before about it. That's why we had those boundaries set: so he wouldn't accidentally cross them and hurt me. But now I'm just wondering, what the fuck? He said he wanted to help me through my trauma of my abuse but now I feel like he was just taking advantage of me. I just feel so alone about all of this.

I already decided that I'm going to talk to him less. He wanted to see a movie with me tonight at a movie theater. It's stupid because after what happened, he still expected me to see it with him. It got to the point where I said I'm too busy with homework, and that got him to back off.

I know I need to talk to him more about this. I hate the idea of communicating about it through text, but I honestly feel like I can't stand my ground properly when I speak to him in person. He just acts like it's no big deal when it is. He knows too. He gets extremely freaked out when guys touch him-at all. So it's like what the fuck dude... you did worse to me. So much worse.

[Jack Lowden]

Originally Posted by Raining Glitter

He also knows how it's hard for me to say no. The same thing with saying no happened on the trip. I would, he guilt tripped me and told me to calm down in order to not start a scene. Told me to just fucking go along with that. When we talked about it, he said it was to keep me calm, but now I'm having second thoughts on his intentions.

This is what worries me. Just because someone knows it's hard for you to say doesn't mean they're going to be nice to you. I think it makes it more tempting to treat you like shit, to be honest. YOU need to say NO. If whispering it or biting his tongue doesn't do the trick, LEAVE. He sounds like one horrible person, but you need to be able to stand up for yourself or it will lead to you being taken advantage of again. Hell, this already sounds like the second time this has happened. Ditch him, move on. It sounds like you're not going to do anything about this, so learn from it & stand up for yourself.

Hey there,

Firstly, you need to know that none of this is your fault. I know that when things like this happen it is easy to look at the situation and blame yourself but you did absolutely nothing wrong. I know this person was your friend but in the end he did things to break your boundaries, your trust and this seems to indicate that he isn't a very good friend. I know that admitting that is going to be hard to do but the best thing you can do for yourself is to remove him from your life. I don't think his behavior is something that is going to change and you have to believe that you deserve better than that.

I think that it is important for you to remember that you have a voice and you can tell him whatever you want. You have the right to be angry with him and with your mother and anyone else who has ever hurt you. You have the right to feel anything you are feeling and express those feelings in whatever way you want; scream, shout, cry but don't blame yourself.

Also, I hope that you will consider talking to someone such as a counselor about this so that you can work on healing from the things that might come up from all of this. I know right now all of this is new and you might not be sure how to handle it all but a counselor could be really beneficial in helping you work through it and getting to a better place.

Remember you are strong and can make it through all of this. If you need anything please feel free to pm/vm me.