My boyfriend was raped?!

[Krissyxo]

Although we've only been dating for less than a month but have been seeing each other for a long period of time before we got in a relationship, I am concerned for how he may be dealing with the situation that occurred last week involving my best friend of 12+ years.

My best friend told me that she knew my boyfriend was drunk at the time but that she had sex with him anyway, even though he was not in the right state of mind to make such a decision. The story she told me is extremely contradicting; saying he forced her down, pinned her on the bed yet she goes to also say that she consented, that it wasn't rape but then she says it was 50/50 on both parties. After I broke the news to my boyfriend about what was told to me, he freaked out and was told by her and I quote this, 'I wasn't going to do anything with you, but you were drunk and I wanted you.'

My boyfriend does not remember anything that happened that night and was disgusted when he found out when I told him what she confessed. She also goes to tell me that he didn't 'seem' drunk because he wasn't stumbling over; I simply told her that alcohol affects people differently (I should know since I'm one of them). The police are involved, and she may be getting charged for taken advantage of a drunken person--even though they consented to the act, she was sober and knew exactly what she was doing when my boyfriend did not. The only evidence he has are the text messages of that night, and the confessions she was telling.

I'm not sure if I should get involved by showing the police the text messages I have on my phone, in case I was told something by this woman that she kept secret from my boyfriend in an attempt to not get in trouble for what had occurred.

[Jocasta]

If it wont help either person get out of the mess than i wouldn't show anyone. but at the same time i feel like you might get in legal trouble if its found you kept them secret. That whole deal is messed up. If i had to choose, id show them the texts. do research to see if you have a legal obligation.

[Liminal]

If the police are involved and your boyfriend wants this woman to face consequences, yes, you should absolutely show them the texts. You shouldn't be trying to protect a rapist, Krissyxo. What she did was vile and disgusting, and it can be just as traumatic for a man to be raped as it is for a woman. If the tables were turned, would you be trying to protect a man who forced himself on an intoxicated woman? She may have been your friend, but it's clear that there's a very nasty part of her that she's kept secret from you.

Please do the right thing. If you don't help him get closure for this you'll be contributing to the damage your "friend" has already caused. Plus you'll be letting someone get away with rape when you could have done something about it.

[Krissyxo]

Thank you so much. I'm a bit confused with this myself though, is it still considered rape if the intoxicated person consented to the activity and the other person knew they were this way from the beginning? My friend was sober when this happened.

I am thinking about contacting the police or a simple hotline we have around my area, to see what they recommend. Could I be held accountable for anything though? I did not have anything to do with the situation they are in, but I would like to provide justice on this case with the little evidence I may possibly have.

[Tigerlily.]

Yes it is rape. If someone is drunk, they cannot legally consent to sex, so even if your boyfriend said yes, he was far too intoxicated for that yes to be legally binding, and since your friend knew that he was drunk, that most certainly makes it legally rape. You can't be held accountable, you did nothing wrong, you wouldn't even be as in this situation as you are if you friend hadn't told you first. Just present the text messages and cooperate as best you can with the police.

[Liminal]

Originally Posted by Krissyxo

Thank you so much. I'm a bit confused with this myself though, is it still considered rape if the intoxicated person consented to the activity and the other person knew they were this way from the beginning? My friend was sober when this happened.

You can't consent while intoxicated. Any condition which affects your judgment and your ability to think clearly automatically prevents you giving consent to anything. The law is very, very clear about this. Choosing to take advantage of someone's state of intoxication is unequivocally rape.

I am thinking about contacting the police or a simple hotline we have around my area, to see what they recommend. Could I be held accountable for anything though? I did not have anything to do with the situation they are in, but I would like to provide justice on this case with the little evidence I may possibly have.

Definitely call the hotline. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't see how you could be accountable for something you weren't involved in. What you can be held accountable for is not turning in evidence of a crime you know was committed if you have the evidence in your possession. It's an active investigation and you know it's going on, so concealing the evidence is considered "obstruction of justice," which is a crime. Since you'd be hiding it on behalf of someone else, it's also considered "aiding and abetting," and possibly criminal conspiracy.

This is a serious deal with serious consequences. There's a clear moral obligation to go to the police with this, but it's also the best way to protect yourself. Even deleting the texts won't help at this point: your provider's server will have records, and the texts themselves can be retrieved from the phone's equivalent of a hard drive even after being deleted.

[Krissyxo]

Thank you so much once again! I will do this as soon as I can. However, I do not know the police officer(s) that are handling this case for my boyfriend. Can I just go to the closest police station I have around my area to see if they have records of this case so I can give them the text messages I've received from both parties? Would it be smarter to go to my server as well to get those messages from the start to end date they were sent or would I just have to show them my phone to allow them to scroll?

Also, how can I get my boyfriends mother to forgive me even though I've done nothing wrong? I only called the police for his safety and out of concern for him as well, given the fact that he told me that he was going to overdose. I would love to win her respect but I just don't understand why she is holding this grudge against me. From what my boyfriend said, I cannot be around his house or allow his mother to see me and I have no idea why she feels this way. Could she be embarrassed about what I've done to protect her son?