Cutting again
 

So I've always thought that part of the reason I self harmed was that I couldn't cry. Which was true, I used to be a very emotional person and after some things began with my parents and school I became really numb. I hadn't cried in almost two years.
The other day I went up to my best friends house and broke down, sobbing on her shoulder for almost an hour. She and my other best friend know all about my parents problems which I posted about in family if you'd like to read.
I stopped SH'ing a few months ago, the really strong urges began almost two months ago and continued.
After a particularly bad night of my parents avoiding each other I went in my room and called my other best friend telling her that I wanted to cut again. She said to stay in bed and try to fall asleep. I keep a razor in my desk and I didn't do anything to big, just enough to see blood, they were honestly no bigger than paper cuts. And really, I don't feel like my parents deserve to know. They make jokes about it all the time and I go along and laugh like I really don't want to scream at my mom every time she brings it up in a "humorous" way. They sent me off to therapy three times and expect me to never cut again.
I don't do it for pain, I do it because I can really choose when and when not to. I do it to see blood and to feel something other than pain brought on by my parents. I do it so that I don't have a panic attack. No one knows about my relapses..so that's all.

Re: Cutting again
 

it's so good to know that you stopped SH'ing for a few months. it's okay to slip up everynow and again as long coz you are getting better in the long run. if you don't want your parents to know then thats absolutely fine, don't tell them. As for therapy, do you still go? it might help to talk to your counsellor about it because it can help lay out your feelings. so you know what exactly was going on in your mind and how you can stop yourself from SH'ing the next time you feel this way.

Re: Cutting again
 

Slip ups happen to the best of us. The important thing is not to focus on them or to further punish yourself for slipping up. The past is the past and the best thing we can do is to learn from it.

That being said, I think that you should maybe think about throwing away your cutting tools. You said that you haven't cut in months before hand. If the tools are gone, it can help put off cutting in the future. Getting rid of your tools isn't easy. I didn't self harm for over a year before I finally let myself let go. I personally leaned on them by thinking, they are there if I ever still need them which wasn't healthy. It is like having beer in the fridge when an alcoholic is in the house. Sure you can go out and buy more beer, but along with that comes some shame in going back, you know? Shame isn't a great emotion, but I personally found it as a motivator to keep me from cutting. Everyone is different.

It really sounds like you have a great group of friends to depend on. I would call them again when you feel like cutting. You don't even have to tell them you are having urges every time, you can just rant or talk about something else to keep your mind away from self harm.

It doesn't sound like your parents really understand the struggle or seriousness of self harm. It isn't something that can be 'cured' in three therapy sessions. I haven't read your other threads, but you mentioned some family issues. Maybe you could try family counseling. This could help your parent's not only see that self harm isn't something that should be taken lightly and joked about, but instead a serious matter. It could also help you guys work on any ongoing family problems that might be going on or triggering you to cut.

I wish you all the best Maddie. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. Don't worry about bohtering me or triggering me. PM anytime!

Re: Cutting again
 

Re: Cutting again
 

Thanks you guys, what you said helped a lot. It's really hard to throw my tools away though. Especially because at times I'll use anything available with a sharp edge. :/. Thanks a ton though

Re: Cutting again
 

Try this thread
http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-s...ves-self-harm/