Triggering (SH): After 2 years.. cutted again :/

[onlyfoolingmyself]

3 days ago i started cutting again, my legs are full of cuts. i get angry when i see the cuts are slowly fading so i make new ones. when i am bored i cut. :/
i guess the knife is my new best friend now.
god, i throw 2 years away.. i cant believe that.
the cutting makes me feel better but guilty at the same time. my boyfriend thinks it's his fault bc he said he has to look after me so i wont do it.
i dissapointed him, i feel so guilty. i said i wont do it.
i dont want him to feel guilty bc its not his fault. its my dad and my friend who ignores me again. its so too much for me

i dont know how to stop this, it feels just too good.

[*Jen*]

Hey Bella,

I am sorry that you slipped up. Things must be pretty bad for you right now to have self harmed after 2 years. However, I can't even say just how amazing 2 years is! That is such an amazing achievement. 2 whole years is such a long time to go without self harm and just shows that you can do it! What helped you over the last 2 years not to self harm? Something must have helped you to get this far so perhaps that could help you right now.

Bella you have only slipped up so try to be too hard on yourself. Slip ups happen to everyone really when trying to give up self harming. They are part of recovery and what really matters is how you move on after a slip up. Now you can pick yourself up and try to move on and realise just how fantastic 2 years is and that you can do it Or you can beat yourself up about it. But that isn't going to help.

You can stop self harming like you have already shown. Your boyfriend obviously cares about you loads. Perhaps you could talk to him about it? You don't have to be alone with any of this. You haven't disappointed anyone. You are just going through a hard time and felt there was no other way to deal with things other than self harm.

If you need anything at all then I am always more than happy to listen. You can stop and you will get there so don't give up

[Whisperer]

Hey Bella,

First I must say, I love your name. I find it a very pretty name. Also, that's awesome you went two years without cutting! WOW! Slip ups happen, but don't worry you can start counting the days, months, then years again soon for when you haven't cut.

Things must be pretty terrible for you to start again after so long. Do you know exactly what caused you to start again? By finding out the reason we may be able to make it easier to cope with. I know you can do it again since you already did it once. Use the alternatives sticky at the top of this forum for other things to do when you feel the urge coming on. Don't feel guilty, just overcome this. That's great you have your boyfriend to look after you. It shows he cares a lot for you and doesn't want you going through this again. Don't dig a deeper hole for youself, fill it up now when it's easier to overcome. I know you can do it, just have faith in yourself.

PM me if you need anything or just want to talk,
Alessa

[.Brittany.]

Hey Bella,

I'm really sorry that you had the slip up. Two years is amazing! You should try and play a little game, maybe see if you can go four years? Double the time that you have gone. Then when your at four years try eight! I know you can do it!

What made you do it? Family/friend issues? You could consider talking to someone about this. I know that doctors and therapists work great around these types of situations.

I know what its like to see the fading cuts and want to make more, you need to beat through the urges. Maybe try some of the alternatives that are found here. They do work really well. Do you like to write? Maybe consider making a blog you can either do it on Teen Help or if you want it to be private maybe go buy a journal or something and write thoughts and stuff in there!

Keep your head up, you can get through this!
PM me if you need anything
Brittany

[onlyfoolingmyself]

my dad kinda hates me, ignores me sometimes, says i should die and my friend ignores me again. thats why i started.

i dont even remember how i stopped, i just know that my parents found out and it was really bad then ( they controlled me etc ) so i guess i was too afraid. the situation wasnt that bad like now.

the thing is, i just dont want to cut bc of my boyfriend. i know i should stop but i am weak. i cant do it like last time. the whole day i have these urges to cut, and they are really bad. and about the alternatives, i tried that but i feel loads better after cutting, so there's the problem.

i am such a failure.

[.Brittany.]

Bella,

Your not a failure! Your a strong willed women. Do you still feel the same way about your boyfriend as you did before? Is it possible for you to maybe live with a friend or another family member if your dad is saying that stuff to you?

Parents get upset when they find out that their child SH's, my parents were the same way. Maybe try sitting down and tell them why you do it. Who knows, if they understand why you do it, maybe they would be more supportive of you stopping.

Brittany

[Whisperer]

Hey again Bella,
You are not a failure, don't tell yourself that. It's always harder to stop the second time around, just hang in there. Try talking to your boyfriend about how you feel. Since he knows you better than we do maybe he'll have a better suggestion. So just keep going, I know you can get over this.
~Alessa

[onlyfoolingmyself]

well, i have to live here, i cant go. i am too afraid to do sth, i dont know what he would do
i still feel the same way about my boyfriend, i really love him. i dont want to hurt him with my SI so i want to stop. he is the only one who understands me ever, but i hurt him with the cutting. he cried when i told him and needed help. i feel so guilty that i want to cut right now!

my parents dont understand me. i have a sister who is 3 years old, and she is all they care for. they dont see it when i am sad or even badly hurt ( i am clumsy ). my mum hears the things my dad says, but she does nothing. i guess she thinks the same way or that i deserved it. i guess i have.
now they dont know that i am cutting again, if they would, my dad would probably hit me, throw me out etc.

2 more years and i can legally move out. i cant wait.

[Whisperer]

First of all Bella, you do not deserve any pain of any kind. Don't cut now though. You are doing awesome not cutting so far just keep it up. Don't feel guilty about talking to your boyfriend for help. That's what he is there for. You could also try seeing a counselor or tell you parents you need some one to talk to professionally.
~Alessa

[onlyfoolingmyself]

i cant go and see a counselor, my parents will find out then :/ that would be really bad..
well, actually, i wanna go and see one...

yep, i am stupid. i know.

[Whisperer]

Hmmm, maybe try calling a hotline or something. I think you should just tell your parents you are struggling with something you don't feel comfortable talking to them about. If that doesn't work when school starts most schools have counselors available you can talk to. No you are not stupid Bella.

[onlyfoolingmyself]

erm i dont even know if we have some counselors here in germany

how can i be not stupid ? i make my boyfriend and best friend cry and worry about me.

[Whisperer]

You aren't stupid. Them crying about you isn't a bad thing. It shows they care about you. Hmm...I suggest to keep talking to your boyfriend and friend since they seem like they can help the most. Even if your parents find out you started SH again, it may not be a bad thing. Then you can get the help you need.

[onlyfoolingmyself]

if they find out it would be a bad thing. really.

last time they found out it was horrible. my dad yelled at me, saying i should just attempt suicide and my mum didnt understand me and ignored me.
i am not getting along so well with my parents, they wont understand a thing. so they dont need to know. it would be bad

[Whisperer]

Well I'm sorry your dad doesn't understand at all. That's not very supporting of him to say that to you. I suggest to see a counselor. Maybe just tell your mom you need one since she doesn't seem to really get upset. If she doesn't understand that's ok just tell her you need professional help.

[onlyfoolingmyself]

i am too afraid to say that. i will just try to stop and then i will see.. if its not getting any better i will try and see one..

and just wanted to say thank you for your help, everyone x

[*Jen*]

Bella, I just wanted to say that you are definitely not weak. You are so strong to have not self harmed for 2 years before just now. That takes a great deal of strength so you are definitely not weak. You are strong It must be horrible for you having such unsupportive parents. At least you have your boyfriend who really cares about you. You can get through this Bella

[Whisperer]

Alright Bella,
That's awesome you are going to try and stop. Don't forget about the alternatives sticky at the top of this forum. I know you can do it just have faith in youself.
Let me know how you are doing,
Alessa

[onlyfoolingmyself]

i guess i can be proud of myself... 1 week since i last cut

[*Jen*]

That is a great achievement Bella. You shoulde definitely be proud of yourself; I am proud of you as well. You can do it! Keep going

[Whisperer]

Yayy!!! That's so awesome! You are doing great! Keep it up I know you can keep going! Like Jen said, you should be proud of yourself. All of us here are very proud of you!

[.Brittany.]

Nice work!! Keep it up!!