Triggering (SH): self-harm..?

[Em0bxy]

Yesterday while I was at school I cut my thighs and my arms with one of my old editedI found in my backpack. My thighs are so fucking sore. I slightly regret it but at the same time I lied to my school counselor about my safety level, I never told anyone about the cutting, and I'm leaving my outpatient program. I'm going to have to do it on my own and I'm terrified, especially since I relasped in my eating disorder as well so I feel like absolute dogshit. I got bullied on my first day back to school in two months being called fat and the boy said he thought I killed myself(I tried to twice -- he has to write me an apology letter now because the principal saw it over bus footage and there was a witness.). Am I too sick to be fixed...? I've been struggling for two years, and I see self-harm in my future. I don't see me quitting anytime soon. When my arms heal I'm only cutting my thighs so people can't see it as easily. My friend yesterday asked me if I made it to three days safe so I said "Maybe, or maybe not" because I didn't want to tell her. And then she tried to grab my arm in the middle of math class and see it and I pulled away, and she said "That's the only answer I needed". I'm terrified she's going to tell someone. I have urges every single day and yesterday on my check-in paper I filled in a 4 instead of a five on my safety level (which isn't that big of a deal, five is very safe, which I lied anyway) but I got called into the guidance counselors office about it which was annoying. I had to leave my favorite class earlier than normal just because the fucking bitch wanted to see about why I marked a four. Like dude if I marked when I was actually feeling I was going back to the hospital, and I'm not doing that again. Theres less than two months left to school, and I'm going to have to suffer during the summer from staying safe or else the chemicals in the pool could infect it. On another topic, a reason I self-harmed was because of my boyfriend. Yesterday he asked for one of my sweatshirts again(I said no) and he said "You don't know how easily I can make you break ash" like who the fuck says that when they love you!? And he wasn't paying attention to me at all on our call, he was only watching youtube, and I HAD to watch the video he sent me, he quite literally made me feel uncomfortable if I didn't, isn't that harassment? And he doesn't realize why I have to wear a flannel or sweatshirt right now. If the staff at my school saw my arms I would be going straight back to the emergency room, then I'd be discharged and have to give my blade up, which I am not doing again. Today I am only wearing a flannel to school so he cannot see my arms and he doesn't streal my sweatshirt, if he can't accept no, I'm getting a teacher involved, and if he tried to remove the flannel physically, we're breaking up. On the final note, my question really is, do you have any tips or tricks to the pain in the thighs from the pants rubbing against my cuts?

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

First, I want to say that I don't think you, or anyone else, is too sick to recover. It does take time and it definitely takes a lot of effort, but you can get to a place where you feel better. Every little step counts.

You said you're leaving your outpatient program. Are there any other programs you may be able to join? For example, I do group therapy twice a week (two separate groups, each meeting once per week) and also see an individual therapist. If you can at least see an individual therapist you won't be doing things all on your own.

I bet your friend did what she did because she was concerned, but I can see how the way she went about it would not be helpful. I think that would make me anxious too! Do you know how your friend can better support you, such as helping you distract yourself when you have strong urges? It might be a good idea to sit down with her and talk to her about how she can help you.

It sounds like your boyfriend is really pressuring you. I saw your other thread with your boyfriend and touched upon it, and I want to reiterate how inappropriate his behavior is. He shouldn't be treating you like this and I do strongly encourage you to reconsider this relationship.

The best suggestion I have for self harm injuries is loose fitting clothing so the injuries aren't sticking to the clothing as much. You can wear band-aids to prevent some of the rubbing but make sure there are times where they can air out as well.

I do strongly encourage you to be honest about your safety levels. The key to recovery is honesty, because people have to understand the kind of support you need in order to best help you. It's one way to show that you are really putting in the time and effort to recover.

I hope things improve for you soon!

Take care,
Dez