Triggering (SH): addicted to self-harm

[Em0bxy]

I have been home from the Institute of Living for 3 days, and 211 has been called on me twice, I've been to the ER for self-harm and SI once. I'm addicted to self-harm. I literally CAN'T quit. I've tried so hard over the past two years of me doing it, to the point I don't even want to get better anymore because I can't imagine life without it. I'm doing the Bradley REACH program virtually and I don't want to do it. I told my mom that yesterday and she just called 211 on me yesterday. Now I'm crying while listening to Mitski trying NOT to self-harm but crying harder because mitski brings memories up that I don't know if I want to remember. Miss Jenna from IOL loved Mitski like I do...and while I was on a 1-1 we talked about music we liked and we both liked Mitski so we talked about our favorite songs and listened to her newer album. It was honestly a rollercoaster of a day. I went from self-harming and sobbing to laughing and listening to music. But anyway, I'm listening to "I bet on losing dogs" right now trying not to self-harm. I am barely able to resist the urge, and honestly I'm wondering if I should go back to the ER because of how my self-harm urges are. They're so intense and honestly I can't control them. I told the clinician from 211 who came to see me yesterday I wanted to kill myself, had a plan, and intent to act on it and she didn't even care. She wasn't even phased. Only because I'm in the bradley REACH program and that has high success rates...like what if it doesn't work for me!? I'm already accepted into residential, so it's either me be in that program, or be inpatient until I can go to my residential program. I want to fucking kill myself so badly right now. I don't want 211 called on me again today, because it's just fucking annoying. Waiting 45 minutes for a clinician to come out just to be assessed and then have them leave to be alone again in my horrid thoughts...just what I need, you know..?

[WhisperingSilence]

Hi, what distractions have you tried? I find for me having a few fidget toys nearby often helps, I find the tangle/twisty ones are really good for keeping my hands busy, I also quite like using a popper/poppet, and the stretchy monkey noodles are great too.
Give the Bradley reach program some more time, what about blogging on here? getting all your thoughts and feelings down in a blog?
I often find art helps me too, colouring is really relaxing, I also find playing video games is helpful too.
Is going for a walk a possibility? I sometimes will go for a walk and sit on a bench for a little while either down by the beach (if you have a beach near you) and watching the tide go out, or sitting in a park (I usually sit by the duck pond) and listen to the birds and nature, and watch the ducks etc on the water.
What about trying a meditation like a progressive muscle relaxation meditation , or a deep breathing mediation, or what about an audio book? theres lots of self help audio books out there, or what about a self help podcast?
Have you checked the self harm distractions and techniques thread on the message boards at the top of the self harm forum ? You might find those helpful.