{VENT - TW://}
 

Self-harm is the only thing I have. It makes me feel alive in the worst ways. The blood pouring from my arms reminds me I'm human. Fuck it, I ain't gonna even try to recover, cause shit, it's all I have. People don't fucking care anymore, I swear to god. It's like I'm living in my head at this fucking point. Self-harm keeps me from killing myself, but in a way, I'm trying to kill myself with self-harm. The scars remind me of a time of suffering and pain, but I don't give two fucking shits at this point. I just wanna die. I can't fucking live in this world no more. not after the abuse...not after almost dying...not after the hospital trips. I can't do this anymore!! I have no reason to live anymore. Self-harm is the best thing I have right now. Not that it changes it pain for others, it hurts me, which is my goal. Pain and suffering toward a cowardly person. Fucking kill me already I swear...

Re: {VENT - TW://}
 

I hurt myself today, it burns but people are thinking it's old cause my arms are covered anyway.

Re: {VENT - TW://}
 

Hi, is there anyone you can talk to about this? Maybe a teacher or counsellor at school? It sounds like you could need some support with this. You mentioned hospital trips - have they put any aftercare or support in place? Are you able to contact crisis teams and crisis lines like a helpline/hotline?

Re: {VENT - TW://}
 

not really. tomorrow I have my therapy appointment so MAYBE I could talk to my therapist about it, though I know I'll just be sent to the fucking ER...it's whatever to be fucking honest, I don't even care. I wanna be alive for my boyfriend, but otherwise I wanna die. I might talk to my therapist to be honest, I don't even know....

Re: {VENT - TW://}
 

I don't even want to stop at this point, I forgot life without self-harm...

Re: {VENT - TW://}
 

Talking to your therapist sounds like a good idea, could you explain to them that sending you the ER doesn't help/work, and that you just need to talk things through etc? Could you write down on some paper or on your phone what it is you want to say to your therapist.

Re: {VENT - TW://}
 

Legally since it's an outpatient center they'd have to send me to the ER even if I say it doesn't help.

Re: {VENT - TW://}
 

Could you talk to them about how often you are self harming and mention that it's all you can think about and that you feel as though you need some more help and support with it? Maybe ask them about distraction techniques and grounding techniques - things that could help in the moment, or other things that help you feel calmer?
For me I will often try and keep my hands busy either by colouring, playing a video game (or a game on my phone if I cannot play a video game ), or using a fidget toy ( I find the tangle and wacky track fidget toys very good for when I need to keep my hands busy)

Re: {VENT - TW://}
 

I could try..

Re: {VENT - TW://}
 

It would be good idea and good place to start, hopefully they can work with you on grounding techniques and distractions and maybe you could open up to them about your triggers etc and what triggers the self harming, once you've identified what your triggers are you can work on those triggers and work through them which should hopefully lessen the urges to self harm.

Re: {VENT - TW://}
 

I talked to my therapist today and all she did was roll her eyes and say "You can't go back to inpatient, you've been 3 times in two months,"

Re: {VENT - TW://}
 

oh, thats a shame, is there a way you can ask to change to a different therapist, or explain to your current one that you don't want to go inpatient and just need some support and a space to talk about things?

I find colouring, video gaming, and going for walks helpful, other things you could try is snapping an elastic band/rubber band against your wrist/skin, holding ice for a about 30 seconds, and one that I find sometimes helps as well (I don't like spicy food) is eating something spicy as it gives a similar sensation... are these things you could try ?

Re: {VENT - TW://}