Triggering (SH): Am I the problem?

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I know this hasn't been used since I was born but it might still feel nice to get this off my chest. I have been self-harming for a minute now, even tried to kill myself once or twice. I opened up to my stepmom, a few of my close friends, and my boyfriend. They helped me through it and I stopped but I've gotten to a point where I've relapsed but I find it more comfortable than when I had stopped. I can't want to stop again so I haven't told them, knowing they'd want me to stop again, but now I just feel dishonest. The breaking point that led me to relapse was my friend's boyfriend making several inappropriate jokes about the topic in class. He doesn't know that I have a personal connection to the topic but he still knows his girlfriend does, so he should understand the seriousness of the subject, especially when I had told him to stop many times. I feel more ashamed of it than anything. I feel as if it would ruin my appearance of being untouchable and strong if people knew I had this weakness. It also makes me feel like being like that is useless if I'm destroying myself. But you also have to consider it might not be destroying me, I'm much more productive and overall feel better as a person and in general after self-harming. Like I said the only problem I have with it is the shame I feel and being worried about someone finding out. Does that make me the problem and weak for letting others' opinions change how I feel about myself and my activities or are others the problem for judging my methods even though they work?[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

I don't think this makes you the problem. Self harm is an addiction so it's hard to stop, and you have to want to stop before anything will change. That being said, there is comfort in what you know, even if it is unhealthy. That means that even though you know self harm isn't a healthy coping mechanism, it's a safety net and something you already are familiar with. Change is hard. The thing is, you've stopped before so there's nothing to say you won't stop again when you are ready.

Telling your friends and family may be hard, but I think you should do it. I know they will want you to stop, and like I said, that is something you'll do when you are ready. But at least they can support you with some of the things that are going on in your life that are triggering you to self harm in the first place, such as the person in class. I don't think it would ruin your appearance of being strong either. It's even stronger to ask for help when you need it rather than struggling alone and possibly having something bad happen to you.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello and thank you for coming onto teenhelp and telling us about what you have been going through. I agree with Dez, sometimes it can be hard to talk about what we are going through, if you can tell someone that you trust then they can help you to feel better. You are always welcome to join us if you want to. I hope you will be okay soon.