What if I just don't want to stop hurting myself?
 

Content Warning, as some may find descriptions of multiple different methods of self-harm triggering.

My self-harm is a tricky subject. Not because I'm particularily bothered by it. In fact, quite the opposite. It's moreso a tricky subject because it's hard to pinpoint a starting date or recurring reason. Not even a recurring emotion. I will do my best to disclose a rough timeline before explaining the title and opening of this post further.

As a young child, around as young as four, I was one to hit or bite myself. Turning odd colors in some areas of course alerted my mother. I was trained to stop through some behavioral therapy. I don't remember the training.

As a slightly older, but still young child, I'd say perhaps ages five to ten, I had a severe case of OCD [contamination subset] that caused me anguish for a long time. Although the window for those years was around six to nine, at ages five and ten I still remember the following: tugging hair tightly, pushingedited into myself, scratching to the point of bleeding. As such, that era of behavior will remain 5-10.

At age eleven, I had discovered the 'wonders' of cutting. Like scratching, but quicker, and like impalation, but sideways and more effective. This, of course, was a very interesting discovery to me. In the beginning, they were all baby cuts, thin red lines on epidermis. It was the quantity that put others off when I was discovered. I would grow quite enthusiastic, covering my forearms in the drippy marks. In healing, especially when new, my arms would appear almost entirely red.

In late months of that year, a girl (aged 12) I had been friends with that year approached me. Now, I don't like being rude on the internet. I will not insult her, just objectively state some facts: she was faking Disassociative Identity Disorder, would often show me her own cuts unprompted (which upset me considerably, as I was only used to seeing them on myself, and it would often be during casual conversation), and treated trauma as if it were a competition. She was certainly in pain, but it was quite upsetting at the time for her to bring up horrible things if I so much as said something about tripping or my sparkling water being flat.

Back on topic to the first sentence of the above: she approached me and asked to see mine. She was like me, in my head, and wouldn't go telling, right? She did, in fact, go and tell the counselor. She was not thrilled about the sheer quantity.

My parental figures lashed out. Yelled on about how I was so sick in the head, asked who I'd go hurting next. They apologized soon, as they often would after such harsh treatment. I was grounded for cutting myself.

Of course, being screamed at does not quell an addiction to various forms of pain.

I moved my cutting activity from my arms to my torso. From 12-now, I most often reach dermis in deepness, though it's not uncommon to every once in a while get to subcutaneous fat. I still impale myself and give myself bruises. I have attempted burning a few times, but found it too tasking. Starvation is not uncommon if I am saddened, but is the only sort of SH that stems from anything in particular. If in need of organization, markings for desired shape and size of the cutting wounds.

I don't remember much of my childhood. I have a handful of memories of self-injury, but there's no definitive feeling about it.

I often hear people speak of how miserable and awful self-harm made them feel in the end. I feel put off when such a speech is directed at me, as I don't really think about it. It's just a thing I do like anything else.

Sometimes my self-harm makes me laugh a little. I'll have the blade to the forearm or torso and feel so much anticipation that bubbes into eagerness.

I've never seen anything morally or ethically wrong with cutting a little. Am I the problem for not wanting pity from people for something I don't even feel bad about, have done for as long as I remember likely because I wanted to, and helps me feel better?

I don't self-deprecate. I'm passively suicidal, not active, and will likely remain the former. I am very used to harming myself. And I, in many, many cases, enoy the sensation.

Please do help if you know what this may stem from, everyone. I'm not quite sure where I lie here, because I don't feel like recovering and don't ever want to at the moment.

Re: What if I just don't want to stop hurting myself?
 

Re: What if I just don't want to stop hurting myself?
 

I've been a self harmer most of my life from a young age (not that when I was younger I was aware it was self harm though) I think the first time I was made aware that what I was doing was not something everyone did I was probably around the same age as you 10-12 years old I'm not going to tell you the way in which I would self harm a that age as I don't think it's necessary, but I do know that the longer you self harm for the harder it is to stop/quit. However that being said when I was younger for me it wasn't so much about harming myself, it was more a sensory seeking thing, I have ADHD and Autism.

Also some forms of self harm like you described and said that you have OCD can like fall in the umbrella of both self harm and OCD behaviours things like as you described - Hair pulling (trichtillomania ) can be a OCD behaviour and also a self harm behaviour.

It may help for you to try and maybe find alternatives, some things that I find help me are creative things such as colouring , creative writing, making loom bands, going out in nature , going for a walk or doing some exercise.

It may help for you to talk to a school counsellor or pastoral care service within your school, the only time a school counsellor or pastoral care service within the school would tell someone is if they thought you were at risk of harm (abuse, real risk of harm to yourself or concerns that you are suicidal ) other than that from what I know most things you talk to a school counsellor or pastoral care service about remain confidential.

Re: What if I just don't want to stop hurting myself?
 

Re: What if I just don't want to stop hurting myself?
 

hi, i can really relate to this. When i was cutting (im clean now but having many compulsive thoughts) i was doing it for pleasure. It was just fun for me and nobody could understand how im hurting myself deeper and deeper because of curiousity. I didnt want to stop it but the thing that decided of me stoping was that i couldnt look at my family being hurt because of that. I did that mostly for them, not for myself. Now I see that when im even slightly sad or mad or depressed im instantly thinking about self harming myself. Thats how i realised that i wasnt having it under control. That i thought im doing it for fun but in fact it controled me and i was manipulated by my own addiction. Now im looking differently about it and I think it might change perspective for some people. Write me private if you want to talk about it more cause i think we might get eachother:p