Triggering (SH): Addicted to Self Harm

[Soda_Voxel]

Since relapsing on the 1 year anniversary of being self harm clean, I've slowly fallen deeper into a self harm addiction. It's gotten to the point I'm self harming every other day, and I'll feel the strong urge to self harm over the most trivial matters, or want to self harm even if I don't "feel like it" or nothing triggered it.

I'm embarrassed with myself. I feel so pathetic and weak, both for self harming in the first place, and my perceived lack of 'severity' in my methods. I hate how paradoxical and nonsensical it is.

My self harm doesn't leave scars per se, rather dark marks that don't seem to go away but are pretty subtle unless you're looking. This is what gives me a bit of imposter syndrome; like I'm not really self harming, because I don't leave big scars or big wounds. Yet simultaneously even these tiny marks give me immense shame. My upper left thigh, even though barely anyone sees it, feels tainted now. I have to go out of my way to change in private and make sure I don't roll up my short leg too much.

When I first started self harming in this method, I would only give in to the urge about once every few months, if that. And I would tell my mum every single time, and get the appropriate help from her. After a particularly stressful conversation with her after one of these times, I vowed to myself I'd never self harm again, to avoid that stress and awkwardness. I managed to stay clean for a year despite many urges. But on the anniversary of being clean, I hurt myself again. I don't really know why. At that moment I didn't really feel the urge. But something about the one year mark just pushed me to get out my 'tools' and hurt myself again. Since then I've been hurting myself more and more and more often, and it seems so trivial now. I used to panic about the thought of having to or trying to hide it from my mom, but now it seems so easy. I literally plan my day around self harm. I will think about all the things I will do in the day and, if I get the urge during the day, I will tell myself that I will self harm in the night. On one occasion I even lay there in my bed trying to sleep, got triggered by a thought, and walked over to where my tools are and self harmed in the dark, half asleep, with my glasses off, then flopped back into bed like it was nothing.

If anyone reading this feels the urge to self harm, I know I can't just say "don't do it". I can't stop you from doing anything. But it really does become an addiction. You lose some of your autonomy. You'll feel the urge from the most random things, even from nothing, even sometimes when your day has gone amazingly. And no matter how 'mild' your methods of self injury are, once it becomes a habit, it consumes you.

I'm so ashamed of myself, because I have been to therapy and I know so many coping mechanisms to help myself get through this... but letting myself be washed away by the river of this urge is so much easier than trying to swim upstream, you know?

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Self harm definitely is an addiction, and like any other addiction you eventually crave it all the time and need more and more of it to feel the same satisfaction you did when you first started out. So it's definitely understandable that you are feeling the way you do.

The longest I've gone without self harm recently is when I threw out my tools. I was in a group therapy setting and the clinician gave me the option of giving her the self harm tools as well as anything I could use for suicide and I did. It kind of forces you to stop and think because in the moment if you want to self harm you'll have to buy the tools all over again and by the time they arrive the urge has gone down. If you can throw out your tools in an outdoor trash can (they're generally grosser than indoor trash cans in my opinion so you're less likely to dig them out) that's an option, or give them to a trusted friend or family member who can hold you accountable.

I'm not saying you DON'T put in effort, and this is something I need to remind myself of too, but nothing will change unless you put in the work. Of course it's gonna suck and it's much easier to give in and self harm instead of urge surfing or using a coping mechanism. Doing something other than what you're used to is uncomfortable and the urges can be so intense. But try anyway. Even if you use a coping mechanism one day and forget to use it the next, that's still one day less that you've self harmed and you can be proud of yourself for skipping the self harm that time. It's something I need to remind myself of too, because I still self harm too. So definitely don't consider me perfect by any means.

[Astro04]

I know, but you need to be stronger than that!
Self harm will only hurt yourself, and for what? A short state of euphoria. It doesn't look cool, and doesn't help at all.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello, I am sorry that you are having a hard time with this and I hope that you will be okay soon. When you feel like doing this, try to find something to help calm yourself and get your mind off of this for a while. For example, try reading or writing or watching movies or TV shows or drawing or going for a walk or something else that you enjoy doing and hopefully you will be okay soon. Talking always helps when we are having a hard time with something, try to find someone who you trust. I hope you will be okay soon.