Triggering (Suicide): I was so close, I'm so afraid

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]Hi. Today I have cut myself more than I have ever had in the past. I've been depressed for a few years, I take medicines and visit a psychotherapist, and I've had suicide thoughts during that time, but only thoughts, as I knew I couldn't make any plans because if I killed myself my parents would never recover. Today I had the urge to stuff myself with pills. For a few frantic minutes I wasn't thinking about my parents, or any other consequences of my death, I felt the need to just swallow those pills. I fought through it, but I'm left shaken. I'd never been so close before.[/size]

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am so glad that you are still here though.

It may help to make a list of reasons to live for times where you do have suicidal impulses. You can read it and remind yourself of all of the reasons you have to stay alive. It can even be small things, like being here to enjoy a nice sunset or a spring day. Of course, add big things too like your family and how they would feel, but make sure you have reasons to live that are yours as well, and for you.

There's something called the TIP skill that was taught to me for when you're in crisis, whether it's self harm or suicide. One thing it suggests is changing your body temperature quickly, such as through taking a really cold shower or ice pack. It gives your body a reset, plus physical sensations. It also suggest intense exercise, such as going for a run. If you aren't able to do that, even a walk is better than nothing. Paced breathing teaches us to take slow, deep breaths and breathe meaningfully. Sometimes when we're under a lot of stress or having extreme thoughts we either hyperventilate or hold our breath, so this is one way to bring yourself back. Another thing you can do is progressive muscle relaxation. The point of the TIP skill is that you are in a "skills breakdown point," where other alternatives or skills may not work. The TIP skill brings the distress level down so you can then focus on different alternatives or solutions.

Do you think it would help to reduce your means a little bit? I know it's hard when you need things like medications but maybe put them in a safe or somewhere where you'd have to go out of your way to get to them. That way, it's more deliberate and it gives you time to stop and think before you act.

This is a link to a crisis safety plan. It may be something to look into doing, either by yourself or with your psychotherapist. Basically it helps you because you write down warning signs that a crisis/distress may start to take place, and helps you think of things you can do or who you can talk to when things start to get rough.

Distraction can also help in the moment. Find activities that you can do that take up your time, even if it's just reading or video games. Maybe find somewhere to volunteer so you feel good about yourself. Think about a time where you weren't in distress and remind yourself that you can go back to this, that the distress won't last forever. Allow yourself to feel different emotions. It doesn't have to mean that you listen to a sad song or watch a sad movie. It can even be watching a comedy, or even a horror movie if that's something you're into and if it wouldn't be more triggering in the moment. Push the thought to the side for a while. You can also do something like count to ten, one hundred, etc, count the number of a certain thing in the room (ie how many green things can you see?), or list 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Play with different sensations.

Also find ways to self-soothe in the moment, even if it's just curling up with your softest blanket and a cup of hot cocoa or tea.

Things are so tough right now, but I know you can get through the distress and come out better for it. Make sure you are honest with your psychotherapist and the person who prescribes your medication. I know it's scary to do this, but your safety is of the utmost importance. You can even write it in the form of a letter of that is more helpful to you.

You've got this!

[Everglow.]

Hey

Thank you for reaching out. It sounds like you're going through a lot right now and I'm sorry to hear that. Like Dez, I am very happy that you're here and able to write this thread. It might seem like a small victory given how bad things got, but you got through the urges to swallow those pills, and that's a success in itself so you should be proud that you've done that.

I think Dez has already given some really great advice. I think distractions and alternatives are really useful, such as grounding techniques and exercise. For me, it really helps to also have physical deterrents if I'm struggling and thinking of self harming. For example, making sure I am in a room with other people means I can't act on the urges I might be having. Is this something you could try in the future if you're worried about hurting yourself again? You could ask your friends or family to watch a movie with you, or even just go outside and be around others in a public space, like a park or library. This way you may also be able to distance yourself from the trigger itself in order to regain yourself a bit.

It might also be worthwhile being aware of the resources available to you if you are in a situation where you could be in legitimate danger because of your urges. If you are feeling like you may act on a suicidal thought, or an urge to self harm, there are a number of really great hotlines you could reach out to. You can find a list of some of them here. You can also make use of TH features like the chatroom.

The main thing is to know that you're not in this alone. You mentioned your parents, and it's great that you've identified reasons to stay alive. Perhaps you can keep a note of other reasons to keep going too and have them handy if ever you're considering hurting yourself. Then you can look over your reasons and remind yourself of why you're fighting this thing.

You are taking great steps already with your therapy and medication. If they aren't working quite right, Dez is right in that you should definitely let your doctor know so that they can figure out why and what else they can try. I know that sometimes it's really hard, but you are doing an amazing job of fighting this. Sometimes slip ups happen, and bad days really challenge you, but you got through this one, and you can absolutely get through more bad moments too.

Keep going and feel free to let us know if you need anything else.

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]Thank you for your replies.[/size]

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello, I am so sorry that you have been feeling like this and I hope that you are feeling a little bit better. You can overcome this, you are so strong and a wonderful person and I wish you we're not hurting so much. If you can try to play with your pet, they can help pick you up so that you are not hurting so much and what the others are saying is very helpful too. I hope you will be okay soon. to help you to feel better soon.

[Cherrylicious]

Can you have your parents keep your pill bottles and give you the correct dosage at the right time? You could just tell them “I’m not safe with these,” and have them keep them somewhere secret in the house.

You could also talk to your prescriber about getting safer pills that you couldn’t lethally overdose on. You don’t have to tell them about this incident as long as you get your parents to keep you safe.