Triggering (SH): I'm So Tired

[FaeTheProud]

!!!!!TW: SELF HARM!!!!!

I've been really thinking about relapsing in self harm. It's been in my head for a while. And the thought of doing it doesn't come across as doing it in my house, but when I get to college and my family isn't there to criticize me about it. They won't be there to tell me I'm doing it for attention or that I faked it. i don't want to be ridiculed and told to brush it off when it's something that's led me to think about worse things. I don't want to cut...but I feel like maybe it's my only option. I want to feel something other than emotional pain and turmoil. If the pain turns physical...then it'll be okay right? I don't want to do this. Trust me I don't. And I know what everyone says. "There are better ways to cope; you don't deserve the pain; etc., etc." Those things are said and I know they're true. But in the moment it's hard to remember. I want to be okay. I don't want to be in pain. But shit...it feels like I almost deserve it at this point. I'm trying so fucking hard to not explode. I'm trying to damn hard to not let it all bubble up and come out. I don't want to die. But if I relapsed I don't know what would come of it. Would I go deeper? Would I do it for a long time? Would anybody even notice or care? I'm sorry if this worried anyone. I don't mean to overwhelm you guys (hence why it's marked the way it is) and I sincerely don't mean for you guys to be super worried about me. I very much dislike being the center of worry. But I also want to be okay. I'm sorry for the long post. I'm just really exhausted and...and just done at this point.

[Everglow.]

Hi Fae,

First of all - welcome to TeenHelp! I'm glad you've decided to join and post and I hope that the responses and support you get help in some way.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been dealing with urges to hurt yourself more recently. When you've used a particular coping mechanism, good or bad, for so long it becomes so difficult to stop that thought entering your mind when you're triggered. I think it's so important that you've recognised you don't want to hurt yourself. It's amazing that you know you're worth more than that because you really are. Nobody ever deserves to feel like hurting themselves is the only way to deal with emotional pain. But you're right. It is hard to remember when things are bad. I find it helps me to actually say it to myself when I'm struggling. That might sound a bit strange, but even just mouthing the words 'I'm okay' or 'you're okay' helps me to refocus my mind away from the bad stuff, and it's a reminder to you that you're still in control of your actions. Perhaps you could try something similar? If saying it doesn't work, you could try writing something down. For example, of you're feeling like you deserve to hurt - which you don't - perhaps you could write a list of reasons which contradict that. Write down some things you've done well today, things you're proud of, times you made somebody smile etc. I find it helpful to use the forums for this too - there are plenty of discussions here which let you pick something which made you happy today. Maybe see if posting in these help you too?

It makes complete sense why you'd be tempted to hurt yourself at college away from where people might see. I would suggest any time you feel particularly triggered, and like you might act on your urges, try and be around people since this seems to be a deterrent for you. It doesn't have to be anyone in particular, especially if some people make you feel judged and undervalued. It could just be a matter of going for a walk in a park where other people are too, or phoning or video calling a friend and talking about something else entirely. Other people can really help. They stop you doing harmful things, but they also make you smile and laugh sometimes, and that's something to value too.

I'm really glad you posted here to try and get some support instead of hurting yourself this time. TeenHelp is lots of really amazing ways you can get support, so please feel free to use as many of them as you like. If you have a look here there's a tonne of alternatives and distractions for when you're struggling, and there's even a randomly generated one at the top too. When you're really finding it hard, have a look through this list and try a few out. Some will work and some won't, but hopefully they can get you through the urges and safely to the other side. You can also try coming along to the chatroom if you like. There's a support and advice room there where you can send a message, and if anybody is around they may be able to help you there too.

You can also PM me any time if you want to talk. I hope this helps a bit, and I hope you know you can do this. I know you're tired, but it's worth fighting through this.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this right now and I hope that you will be okay soon.

When we are going through something it can be hard to be okay with this. When you are getting the feeling to do this or you are feeling down, if you can try something to get your mind off of this for a while so that you are not thinking about this. For example, going for a walk around the area that you are at or drawing or painting or writing or calling a friend or family member or putting on a funny movie or TV show or grabbing a book to read for a while or finding something else that you enjoy doing. Sometimes when we are having a hard time with something and we are doing different things to help us not think about what we are going through, we may have to do a few different ones to help us to be okay soon. If you have to do a few of them to help you out with this, it is totally fine to do and try not to be too hard on yourself.

Would you be able to try talking with someone at your school? Letting them know that you are having a hard time with this and they would be able to talk to you and hopefully you will start to feel a little bit better. I hope that you will be okay soon, sending you lots of to help you out.