My Bf is threating self harm

[brookeelizabeth]

so I have used self harm as a coping mechanism for years now and I'm trying to stop but I still relapse at times. My boyfriend is fully aware of my issues but he says that now if I self harm he will too three times as much(so if I do two he does six) and that truly rubs me the wrong way. I've told him he's not gonna go that but he doesn't listen and just says too bad. I really don't know what to do as it's been driving me crazy for days. please help

Hey,
I am so sorry he is saying this to you. This is 100% NOT okay. I am not positive but this sounds like manipulation and if it is then I'm pretty sure it's considered emotional abuse.

I think you should sit him down and explain to him that what he is saying doesn't help, and if it makes you want to do it even more tell him that. I also think since he is saying that stuff that he doesn't understand that self-harm is a coping method. Maybe find resources online and show them to him.

I'm not sure how old you are or if you have a therapist but if you have a therapist and are 18+ I would recommend you ask your therapist if you could bring him in so she can explain it better, and so you have a safe place to sit with him and discuss it.

I know you didn't ask but I would recommend you check out the alternative thread, that gives you other ways to cope.

If you ever need to talk I am just a PM/VM away.
Your friend,
Frankie<3

[Latte]

I agree wth Frankie. His reaction is horrible and sounds really manipulative. I get that maybe he's trying to make a point like "oh look if you hurt your self, I'll do it too just to show you how much it hurts for people around you" but it's 100% not ok to take that kind of approach. We're not talking some kind of minor irritating behaviour, like, I don't know, the kind of thing you're 2 year old does and you do something in return to teach them the point. We're talking about a very serious coping mechanism for a mental illness.

It's so manipulative to try to make you stop by making you scared that he'll hurt himself just as much, if not more.

It sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of his own issues and is trying to to control your behaviours that either are negative or unhealthy (e.g. self-harm) or that he perceives as negative (e.g. I know I responded to your one about your consumption of edibles). I am not sure how often this kind of thing is happening, but it sounds like it's a recurring theme. I am wondering what you guys do to spend time together. Let's assume that watching movies and having sex isn't enough. Do you guys go for walks, or go hiking? Do you play tennis, or go rock climbing? Do you guys like to play guitars together? Anything else?

Any ways, that aside, I think it sounds like the communication lines are out of whack in the relationship. For example, does he actually understand how serious your mental health issues are? Does he know what you're doing to stop self-harming? He clearly doesn't understand that manipulating you isn't going to resolve the underlying emotional and cognitive roots that lead you to self harm. It sounds like a serious conversation is needed between the two of you. He needs to respect that manipulation is unacceptable and needs to stop if this relationship is going to continue.

[brookeelizabeth]

Originally Posted by Latte

I agree wth Frankie. His reaction is horrible and sounds really manipulative. I get that maybe he's trying to make a point like "oh look if you hurt your self, I'll do it too just to show you how much it hurts for people around you" but it's 100% not ok to take that kind of approach. We're not talking some kind of minor irritating behaviour, like, I don't know, the kind of thing you're 2 year old does and you do something in return to teach them the point. We're talking about a very serious coping mechanism for a mental illness.

It's so manipulative to try to make you stop by making you scared that he'll hurt himself just as much, if not more.

It sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of his own issues and is trying to to control your behaviours that either are negative or unhealthy (e.g. self-harm) or that he perceives as negative (e.g. I know I responded to your one about your consumption of edibles). I am not sure how often this kind of thing is happening, but it sounds like it's a recurring theme. I am wondering what you guys do to spend time together. Let's assume that watching movies and having sex isn't enough. Do you guys go for walks, or go hiking? Do you play tennis, or go rock climbing? Do you guys like to play guitars together? Anything else?

Any ways, that aside, I think it sounds like the communication lines are out of whack in the relationship. For example, does he actually understand how serious your mental health issues are? Does he know what you're doing to stop self-harming? He clearly doesn't understand that manipulating you isn't going to resolve the underlying emotional and cognitive roots that lead you to self harm. It sounds like a serious conversation is needed between the two of you. He needs to respect that manipulation is unacceptable and needs to stop if this relationship is going to continue.

i agree with both of you, i think he is being manipulative...i will try and talk to him asap about this. it makes me terrified to relapse and also want to harm more at the same time. i will try to speak out these issues and update you when i can.

Let us know how it goes.

[brookeelizabeth]

Originally Posted by Oh, Bother

Let us know how it goes.

So i expressed myself to my boyfriend about how much he upsets me when he threatens self-harm and he said that he understands why I'm upset and that he won't say it or mean it anymore. I told him sometimes I relapse and that's just a part of overcoming an almost addiction type thing. thankfully he understood and we are on much better terms communication wise

Since this was solved I am going to close this. If you need it reopened just message me.