Triggering (SH): Extreme self harm thoughts

I am having extreme thoughts of self harm. I don't really need alternatives because I've been harming myself for so long that I know that I just have to figure out how to get through this. Unfortunately, for me, alternatives haven't ever really worked and I used to get through urges through 'will power'. Mainly just reminding myself that I have an event coming up and can't be hospitalized.


I start work on Monday so that could be a triggered as I am nervous and excited. I know I can't do severe self harm while working but I also know that I can get away without medical treatment for the most part. Something I've learned over the years of self harm. I shouldn't have stopped myself from getting help but they would have hospitalized me and for self harm that doesn't help me.


Anyway, I am looking into a certain form to see how much damage I could do. Not so that I could do that damage but so that I can harm myself and avoid the damage. If I don't do enough damage I should be find with intervention. I could get an infection but then I'd go to urgent care and it's likely they wouldn't do anything...especially if I came up with a lie.


Long story short, I am close to two years self harm free and I am sitting her wondering how much damage I could do without ruining my chances and losing the job.


I need help to change my thinking. Should I tell myself I'll put it off till Friday night and keep extending is?



Any suggestions would be great. I have the tools to not cut but don't really care. I do care about losing my job but...I know how things work and I wouldn't risk that.


(Trying to avoid giving ideas so I am being vague)

[Celyn]

Sorry you didn't get a reply soon enough!

How did work go?

What you are saying about self-harm does make a lot of sense. I understand that for some, alternatives might not work, and a good way to deal with that is to have a reason or event that you tell yourself you can't self-harm for.

It also makes sense that you'd be tempted to find ways of being able to self-harm that doesn't involve a lot of damage, since you have work. And I can see why that in itself is tempting and conflicting when you care about work. But I do think you are on the right track with trying to change your thinking and anytime you feel the urge, to just keep extending the deadline. I think that's part of the battle in breaking the cycle of self-harm (rather than thinking that you can use a method that is less damaging, when chances are, that may only escalate to more damage in the long run, putting further pressure on you when you care about your work).

I think it might also be helpful to think about all those previous times when you wanted to self-harm but didn't. Starting something new, like work, is bound to cause you some anxiety (as well as excitement!) and with the pressure to do well, I understand that emotions can seem to be difficult to deal with and self-harm can be tempting. But you know you can get through these feelings, without self-harming, even if it means extending deadlines or remembering how much work means to you. You've got through stuff before and you'll do it again, I'm sure

I want to thank you for the response. I apologize for taking so long to reply but I have been busy. My thoughts of self harm have decreased. I think it's partially due to getting a schedule and realizing that, for now, the work and life isn't as stressful as I was imagining. I have a huge fear of the unknown and I am pretty sure that's what was causing the thoughts.

I'm glad it's passed but I know it might become an issue as training begins and things like that. All I can do is take it one day at a time. I also know I won't self harm unless I can do it in an extreme way. I know that's not good, per se, but it will prevent me from self harming because doing more dage takes a lot of work. It's a bit of a blessing and a curse because I'll be safe from relapse this way.

I just wish the thoughts would go away forever but I know I'll always have urges pop up periodically. I just have more tools to cope. This recent post was made during a time when I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and needed to vent.

Anyway, thank you for responding. It means a lot and I hope you are well.