Triggering: Self harm, detailed gore, animal abuse, suicidal thoughts

[roku-san]

I'm sorry if I'm doing this wrong. I think something I'm a monster. I can't tell if I was just born as a monster or turned into one by circumstance. I was bullied as a child for my autism and "weirdness" for almost all of my life. I still get looks. I still feel the gazes of strangers on my back. I'm always nervous that I'm doing something wrong, so I constantly say sorry and ask people to check things for me. I am told I can do this or that without help but at the same time I'm told that I did a messy job or that my work is terrible. I hate having to act kind. My emotional support teachers know that I know how to be social but it wears on me. I can never be myself because myself is not kind, charming, or anything I am required to be. I'm always bombarded by work, expected to be doing something and if I take a minute to relax and calm my shaking nerves, I'm told that I'll get less time to do it later on and that I have to write 5 more essays this week, clean the entire rabbit house, make food for the animals, feed this or that, in only 2 hours. I have social and generalized anxiety, everything wears me down and makes me nervous quickly. I'm expected to be everything I'm not, and change in such a small period of time as well. When I finally get home and have some time to myself, I feel an animalistic need to unleash my bottled energy through "hunting." I chase my cats and dogs around the house, pretending to be an animal myself and be "dominant." I don't hurt them, I just torment them emotionally, which is just as bad. I use their anger to make them scratch me, bite me, make me bleed. I have wild fantasies of being a wolf hunting animals and killing them sadistically, biting their throats open and tearing open their insides. I'm a fucking monster. Why couldn't I have been born normal? I just want to die

[Storyteller]

Roku-san, that sounds like a terribly uncomfortable mental and emotional space to be in. I'm sorry to hear that you're in that space.

I'll say now that I may not have the skills to give you the best answer, because I don't have any training on helping people on the autism spectrum, so if my answer seems a bit confusing or off in any way, please let me know and I'll clarify anything I have said as best I can.

You mentioned that you're being asked to do a lot, that people are being very demanding of you, and that you are unsure if you can meet their demands. It's natural to feel stressed under these circumstances. It sounds like you process stress by turning into anger. You are not the only person who does that, it's a natural way to react, so please do not feel that you are a monster. However, I personally feel that hunting the animals is not an okay way to release your anger. How would you feel about finding a different way to express your anger, that doesn't hurt anybody or anything that cannot fight back?

You also described being told that you do a messy job when you complete tasks that people give you to do. That's natural too: there are other people who do the same. Completing a job badly is a way of asserting that you feel you cannot, or do not want to, do what is being expected of you. It's a way of retaliating. Sometimes, we can do this without realising it, and simply believe we are ineffective people who can't do a job right.

When I read your post, I got a strong feeling that you feel unsupported. You may have people around you who are meant to support you, but is it working for you? If not, then tell them so, and aim to change things so that the support you are getting works for you.

I hope that helps.

[.Brittany.]

Hi there,

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. It must be kind of scary. I don't have much advice to give to this situation, however I wanted to ask/say one thing.

Instead of chasing your animals around to take out your anger, are you able to do something else to release your anger? Maybe you can scream into or punch a pillow? That's how I get rid of a lot of my frustrations.

Also, have you talked to a doctor or a therapist about how you're feeling and maybe they can offer some other advice?

I hope things start to settle down a bit for you.
Brittany