School, Suicide & Self Harm

[Natalie27]

Hi all,

As late last year my grandfather took his own life. Ever since then I haven't contemplated suicide but I've thought of the general topic of it and how things could be good or bad if I was no longer around. Again, I've never was considered the literal actions of it as I wouldn't want my family to go through what they did when my grandfather passed away.
Just after he passed away, I opened up through a letter on my birthday (strange I know) about be harming close to this day and how I felt so ashamed. The youth worker at my school eventually saw me that day and took it up with another counsellor (higher than his role) who later contacted my mum.
The thing is, lately I haven't harmed but the idea of suicide and self harm is still on my mind. I hope this makes sense. No actions in wanting to do either of them but rather considering the choices I have made and/or if I'm wanting to go 'there' basically. (Meaning to harm or not). But it's gotten to the point where I'm nearly lying about my emotions SO:
My mum knows I've harmed in the past and I want to prove ever so hard to my youth worker at school that I'm on the mend however truth be told I'm really not. My counsellor outside of school has finally recommended medication for my depression and although I'm not on them as of yet and it seems liek glory days like "Oh she's finally realized my pain", it hasn't sunken in and I just feel like I'm still or back in square one. I think I personally seem okay until it gets to the extent of me overthinking things and questioning it all. I know it's okay to speak up as I've done it in the past. I also started writing letters to show this youth worker at school how I feel when I couldn't speak it. I just don't know where to take things from here. Someone please tell me it'll all be okay or tell me what I should be doing??
Expressing my self to the truth I know that!

[del677]

Thank you for writing. I appreciate your candor.

Was it a surprise about your grandfather? Or had you known for a long time that he was super depresssed?

Depression can run in families, which has made scientists suspect there may be a genetic predisposition to it, though there's apparently more to it than that.

Medication can be great if you can find the right one that works for you.

Here's a link to a story about medication:
http://www.wingofmadness.com/depress...cal-illness-19

There may also be social issues which can exacerbate depression. Too much pressure to perform. Too much school work. Not enough quality socialization time. Not enough basic exercise. Not eating healthy. Not enough sleep. (Of course this also works the other way: depressed people tend to isolate, not exercise, eat poorly, sleep poorly. It's hard to know if these are symptoms or causes.)

It's nice to know there's a counselor and people you can talk to or write to. Staying in touch with people and just letting them know how you are can be cathartic.

For me, finding the medication that worked for me made a huge difference. After that, I'm now able to apply other wellness techniques, such as taking brisk walks for exercise. Meditation, yoga, and similar mind-training exercises help. Having a social life and finding friends and a partner are still things I struggle with, and get depressed over sometimes.

I used to worry if I would be depressed for the rest of my life. Fortunately no. I'm fine now. Mostly fine. Definitely much better than I was. I was seriously depressed for a very long time. Years. I eventually realized the world really wasn't as dark and gloomy as I was seeing it. The problem wasn't with the picture I was seeing, the problem was with the camera. The problem had to be with me. So I tried many different medications, and finally found one that worked great! Took a long time trying many different medications, but I guess it was worth it as I'm still around, and not in pain anymore. (Well, most of the time. I still have my roller coaster ups and downs, but overall, it doesn't hurt to be alive anymore.)

Best wishes!

[Natalie27]

Thank you for your response. We didn't so much see his suicide coming as he was never really suffering from depression but more so suffering and not coping with the loss of his wife resulting in him taking his life.
I constantly try mindfulness and meditation but it's gotten to a point where it's actually the opposite where I try so much that it doesn't work.

Thank you for your reply though. Greatly appreciated.

[Always *]

i think you can have suicidal ideation without actually planning to go through with it. I think that that still makes it unhealthy and dangerous because even if you never plan to do it, it's still not good for you, you know?
I'm sorry about your grandpa though. I can't imagine the loss he must have felt if he thought he had no other choice but to end his life. I wonder if he did have periods of intense depression before that no one knew about? It hasn't been until the last 10 years or so that it's even been ok to talk about your mental health, he comes from a generation where it's kind of like "suck it up". That's neither here nor there though. I can speculate all day.
I don't think anything is wrong with taking medications. It's not for ever. I know my therapist recommended it just to take off the edge long enough to think clearly and focus on my issues, which was a really helpful way to think of it. I have a few friends who take it but refuse to go to therapy or anything. So while I think it's best to use the meds as a way to lift the fog and focus on getting better there is also nothing technically wrong with just taking them and carrying on with life...

[hocus pocus]

I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing someone in that way.

I agree with what has been said; you can think about self-harm and suicide without intending to go through with it. You can question it and that is ideation, I believe.

Should you choose to take medication, I hope you find something that works for you. I don't take prescription medication, but I am using other treatments with the purpose of taking the edge off so I can work on myself. Perhaps it could be similar for you, or you can take the medication for as long as you need it.

You said you know you have to be truthful and I am glad you know that. In the meantime, maybe you can talk to people about how you feel or journal about it so you're not keeping emotions in. I suggest finding things to lift your spirits and trying to acknowledge any positivity you can, no matter how small.

I think working on depression and mental health isn't something that ends all of the time. I think it is more of a constant process; you may sometimes still feel low but you will have developed the tools to cope with that.