Triggering (SH): Cutting and contamination

I've been cutting more lately.

I have issues with cutting deep while dissociated but tonight I cut relatively deep without being dissociated. I probably would have tried to go deeper and made the wound longer but my boyfriend was home and I was worried about hiding the blood (even though I partially wish he would have noticed).

Shallow cuts have been holding me over but it's always a matter of time before I need to go deep. This would is deep enough that doctors would stitch it but I've had worse wounds and gone without. I wanted to go deep and long but I had to stop myself because of the mess it would make.

I have a method to ensure deep cuts and I didn't even have to use that method this time. I think its because the razors I am using are really good and sharp and I was putting the right amount of pressure.

I also didn't something else stupid which I have been contemplating for quite some time. I contaminated the wound. I put some stuff on it and it got inside but I got scared and only left it on for a minute or so and then I washed my leg in the shower and scrubbed out the bits of contamination left behind.

Ever since getting that infection I have an obsession with getting another infection but the idea of contamination scares me but I think that was partially due to what I was using.

I don't really know what I am looking for here. I have an appointment with a new therapist on Monday and I am praying that I like him so I don't have to do another search. I need to start working on these things. I just know he is an older gentlemen and I worry he won't have the ability to relate to certain things because of his age.

I want to cut again. I want to go in the bathroom and contaminate some more. I don't know. I am falling apart.

Edit: I forgot to label it

[Palmolive]

Hey sweet.

I'm sorry you're going thorough this, I know how hard it can be but you're doing so well. What's important is how to pick yourself up from these slip ups of self harm. You need to focus on how to move forward instead of going backwards. Use distractions, sit with family or pets, go out for walks, make a list of reasons not to self harm and focus on then, make a list of life worth living goals, set goals each day to achieve, do mindfulness, try guided imagery, watch a film in bed snuggled up, get out if the house, and so on. Keep yourself busy doing things so your mind doesn't wander to far.

Cutting deep isn't good, we both know that. I've been severely anaemic because of it which made me very ill and I was put on bed rest. I nearly needed surgery once because I cut too deep. Blood loss, losing family and friends, putting yourself at risk, it's not worth it at all. You deserve so much more than all of this and I hope you can soon start to see that. I hope your new therapist helps. Maybe you could talk about ways to deal with the urges? Talk about what's triggering them. Talk about what's on your mind even. I know ths is a hard fight but you've got to keep fighting. I spent three years in hospital at once and it was horrible and I'd hate to see you have to go through that. You really do not deserve it. You're so beautiful, lovely, kind and genuine and tun deserve everything good.

Try and stay safe. You deserve to owe yourself that. We're here for you okay? I'm here for you.

Jessie x

Thank you Jessie,

I honestly think the best thing for me would be hospitalization but I don't even know what good that will do because I've tried pretty much every medication known to man. I know it will keep me from harming myself but only for a short amount of time until I get out.

And, I have so many people encouraging me to not go into the hospital. Like, I convinced my boyfriend to go hang out with friends today so I could cut. Due to talking to someone online about it they encouraged me to talk to him about it and I did. He said he'd stay home if that meant keeping me safe. I told him he couldn't babysit me the entire relationship and he told me he'd do what he had to until I felt safe again. I don't get why he cares so much and it scares me. I think the fear causes me to think about all the negative things we are dealing with and I start pushing him away. But, we talked some more and he said that if he does go to hang out with his friend I have to promise not to cut. I told him I couldn't do that because if I didn't keep that promise I would feel badly. He said he didn't want me to feel badly he just doesn't want me to end up back in the hospital. I told him that maybe that's what I needed and he said I just started school and didn't want to mess that up when I am so close to being done. He's right but I am struggling so much right now.

My dad is also encouraging me to complete the semester. I told him how a lot of my classes seem like busy work and he said just push through.

It kind of feels like people don't really see how badly I am struggling. It kind of feels like I am weak for not being able to suck it up and get through the semester. But, it's like, I have no motivation for this semester. I've never started a semester like this and it worries me. I feel like I need to be in the hospital to get my motivation back and to get my self harm under control but I don't know how to want it.

I have all these tools and you made some great suggestions but it's like I just don't want it. I want to slash into my body over and over again until there is nothing left.

I don't even know if I am suicidal or if I am just struggling with self harm. I think about death a lot and how it seems inevitable that I am going to end up killing myself because I can't find a medication to work for me and stable me out a bit. I do realize that medication is only a short part of the equation but I am not really stable. My moods are all over the place and I just feel lost.

I don't know how to get better when I have been trying so hard with very little to show for it and it makes me feel like I am just not trying hard enough.

I went two and a half years without cutting and I have no idea how to get back to that because I have to fight the urges. Those two years...the first year was sheer hell and I literally fought the urges by sheer will power. The year and a half after that wasn't as bad and I didn't think about self harm as often but there were days it popped into my head and once again due to will power I fought it. I never really found alternatives that helped. I found things that distracted me long enough to get through an urge on a good day (Most revolve around teenhelp) but I don't have that willpower anymore. I don't want to fight the urges. I don't care if I cut and end up in and out of the ER the rest of my life and that scares me because that is one of the main things that caused me to stop in the first place.

My boyfriend still might go hang out with his friend. I hope he does and then I can get my stuff and cut to my hearts content and maybe even contaminate. I know what I need but I am so afraid of disappointing the people around me and I don't even know if the hospital will stabilize me. The most it will do is keep me from harming myself (maybe). They'll force me to go to groups with shitty therapists and I just...I don't even know if it will help but I am not safe.

I am scared that if I go back into the hospital my boyfriend will leave me. He didn't sign up for this. He knew I used to self harm but that I hadn't done it for quite some time. I did tell him there was a chance that I would end up cutting again but this...all of this...is more then one person should handle. And, sometimes I think I should break up with him to save him the trouble. It will break his heart, it will break mine, I'll probably be an emotional wreck but at least he won't have to worry about my well being.

Last night when we were talking I made a sarcastic joke and was like "Don't worry so much about me. What's the worst that could happen?" And, he said "You could cut really deep or die." I realized then how this is impacting him and it hurts me but I don't know how to get myself to want to stop.

I am also...weird about the hospital. Like, I have to do severe damage by either OD'ing or self harming badly before I'll let myself go. I've only ever let myself go once without any of that but that's because I was about to od and called my dad instead.

I am a mess and I am tired of living like this. Eventually my boyfriend will get tired of it too and he'll leave me. I think my dad has pretty much given up on me. He pushes me but I don't think he actually thinks I'll accomplish much of anything.

I am a failure and I am weak.

Edit: I decided I am not going to go to the hospital. I am going to stay in school and do what I can to complete this semester. I have a short term class that starts like february 17 and if that proves to be too much with the other classes I am taking I will drop it and take it or something similar next semester.My classes aren't hard and I would hate to give up on them just because I don't think I can control my cutting. The worst that happens is I have to get hospitalized for three days and miss like one day of class. This is gonna sound bad but if I end up cutting deep on a friday then I probably wouldn't miss school at all. So, I am not planning on stopping the self harm I'll just be more careful about it and hope that I don't dissociate one day and end up going too deep and needing attention.

[Evanesco]

Hey,

You're not a failure and you're not weak. Things are tough right now, and they might stay tough for a while, but you will get through this. You're strong. You've done it before and at some point you'll be able to do it again.

Take care of yourself. Do you best to stay safe, and please seek help straight away if you do go too deep.

I understand the struggle between choosing to stay in school and looking after your health. I don't have a solution, it often does seem like an impossible choice, but your health is more important than your grades.