Triggering (SH): Cutting again and stuff to do with my boyfriend (long rant)

I'm cutting again. I'm cutting dangerously deep when I'm dissociated ( I made a thread about that). But, I've cut a few times when not dissociated. The last time I cut was pretty bad. There were literally pools of blood all over the bathroom floor. (I was dissociated and thought the bleeding had stopped or wasn't that bad). I would clean up one pool of blood and look around and there would be another. I freaked my dad out and he called 911. I was planning on going to the Er when he fell asleep but that didn't happen.


The thing is this last incident should have scared me and it didn't. I for an infection and I've stopped taking the antibiotics. I can't afford for the infection to get worse or bad again because I have things going on in the new year that I need to be around for and if the infection doesn't improve they'll hospitalize me.

I cut last night in the shower. It wasn't deep but it was on the back of my arm and I'm worried my dad will see it. I want him to think that the 9th was a fluke.

I hate being back here and I'm worried. Two and a half years ago I stopped cutting because I scared myself and I also didn't want to have to go in and out of the ER for medical attention the rest of my life. At this point I don't care.

The only thing I do care about is losing my boyfriend. He says this won't push him away but of it gets bad again and I'm cutting all the time he'll get fed up. I can't hide it from him forever. I mean, right now new cuts would be easy to hide because we don't have that active of a sex life due to the high amounts of stress we are both dealing with.

I do know some of my triggers but I don't feel like going into detail right now.

I don't know what I'm asking for. I'm working on getting a new therapist in the new year. Someone that will work with me on coming up with coping skills and who will help me figure out this dissociation. My current therapist has not been helping with that.

My psychiatrist hasn't changed my meds in a few months and I'm super depressed. He didn't change my meds this last time because he said my cutting was due to dissociation and I needed to deal with that in therapy. I'm literally on one medication and half the time I don't know if it works. That has me tempted to stop taking it.

I'm planning on getting a second opinion in the new year when I change insurance. I'll stay with my psychiatrist but I'll just get a new perspective on things and see if this psychiatrist can suggest a medication. I need something for my depression but none of the anti depressants work. I might need another mood stabilizer but I'm not a doctor and most make you gain.

I'm worried I'm not gonna stop cutting and I'm gonna lose everything. I don't exactly want to stop but then I do. I doubt that makes sense. I don't want to self harm the rest of my life but then I don't care if I do.

I'm tired and honestly I should have stayed in the psych unit longer and let them mess with my medications but I was so worried about missing the first Christmas with my boyfriend. Plus I was kind of uncomfortable because I didn't have a lot of stuff and my hair was greasy and I had one outfit.

I could go back after Christmas but my boyfriend has to move out of his place and I'm helping him pay for storage and a uhaul since he has no money. If I go into the hospital that leaves him with no place to stay and no way to move all his stuff out of his current Residence.

There's so much going on and I should probably post about it but I don't want people to judge. Maybe I'll post about it later.

I'm just worried about my self harm again. If I was just cutting shallow cuts I wouldn't care but I'm not. Last time I cut I ended up with 41 staples. That's about half of what I ended up with when I stopped cutting those two years ago and none of it bothers me. I was worried about the infection and thought that would help stop me but I don't care.

For reasons, I plan on cutting this upcoming weekend (I should probably post about that too). I want to go deep but I don't know if I will. I literally can't afford to go back to the hospital. I have to be able to help my boyfriend because his dad is an asshole and won't help him and doesn't give a shit if he ends up homeless which he would if not for my dad letting him stay with us for a little while.

I suppose I'll post this here since this is one of the things that is triggering me and causing me to want to cut this coming weekend and has caused me to cut in the shower last night.

I admit it's really stupid to be upset about this but I really just can't seem to help it. I blogged about this first but I thought maybe making a post about it would help in some way. Please don't think I am childish or stupid for being upset over this.

I'm really upset with my boyfriend and I probably have no right to be. I'm probably being stupid and childish but I can't help it.

See, he's going out of town the 26th and the 27th to go see star wars in a really nice theater. Better then any of the the theaters here. He's been looking forward to this trip since forever. I always get a little upset when he does things that get in the way of out time together but this upsets me more because it's the holiday weekend. I know that's a stupid reason but the few days after Christmas are hard for me. I'm always left alone while my brothers spend time with their families and my dad does stuff with his partner. I was hoping this year would be different and I'd get to spend those depressing days with someone that I love.


That's not the only reason I'm upset though. We only get Christmas eve and Christmas together and really we'll only have Christmas eve to ourselves because Christmas will be full of family obligations. We will be visiting his parents (which I don't want to do because I don't like his dad and have lost respect for him) and then we have my family dinner. That can go late sometimes. It all really depends. So, basically we will have Christmas eve together and that's it. He told me I could still spend the night on Christmas (which is what I wanted) but the I'll be on a time frame for when I wake up and leave and depending on how late my family thing goes I might want to sleep in. I don't spend a lot of time with my family and I want to enjoy the holiday with them (even though I'm dreading it) I don't want to be on a time frame in regards to how much time I spend with them so that him and I can hang out a bit on Christmas. I compromise a lot when it comes to family stuff because I know social situations stress my boyfriend out and I k of he doesn't want to spend all night at my families. But, this one time I don't want to compromise.

It upsets me that he didn't consult me about it. He says his friend just bought the tickets for the movie and threw it at him but in my opinion he still could have asked. When he first told me we kind of argued and he said that if my friends got tickets to an event I would go even if it was something like a Christmas weekend. I told him I might go but I'd talk to him about it and then I told him that in all reality I'd probably rather spend the time with him. He said that made him feel like an asshole. I didn't know what to say to that because I felt like he was an asshole. I think part of the issue is that relationships are new for him so he didn't think to check in.

The other issue I'm having is that I do feel like he'd prefer spending time with his friends then with me. He says it's not true and that he's put off hanging out with them for me. But, there have been a number of times where he just randomly threw at me that we either weren't hanging out so he could hang out with friends or he was cutting out time together short to hang out with friends. I get a little upset by this but I do want him to hang out with his friends sometimes especially since he doesn't have a lot of friends. I just wish he would talk to me about it instead of just telling me. That's probably irrational too but your supposed to communicate about those kinds of things.

I honestly feel like his friends are more important then I am. It would make sense since he has known them so long. I want him to maintain his friendships but stuff like this irritates me and hurts my feelings. It's important that he maintain friendships for the simple fact that if we ever break up he'll have the support to deal with it. There are other reasons too.

We talked about it a little bit on Saturday and my feelings got hurt so I just went to bed. He put his hands on me and I felt like pushing them away because I was upset but I knew that would hurt him and I couldn't do that.

On Sunday I was more quiet in text then usual and he knew I was mad. He said he could cancel but it's like as much as I'd like him too I know he'd resent me and be miserable that weekend and I don't want that. I try so hard to make it that he's happy. I'm just stuck in a terrible position because I'm super unhappy about all of this. I'm angry and hurt but I can't ask him not to go to an event he's been looking forward to for months. He says his position isn't any better either not going or having me mad at him. I told him I realized that but I couldn't help how I was feeling. I told him I had the right to be upset but he just doesn't seem to get it. I'm still mad at him. I'm still hurt by his actions and all I can think about is the amount of cutting I can do that weekend.

I hate posting about this stuff because my relationship isn't bad. It's actually pretty good and when I'm with him I feel happy. We are just dealing with a lot of stressful things right now which are making me unhappy and this situation just pisses me off. In all reality I don't really want to talk to him. He should have asked me if anything was going on that weekend. I could have explained to him about the weekend. Now we get one day together. I know I should be grateful to have him in my life but right now I'm just pissed off that he made this choice. But, I can't blame him I wouldn't want to be stuck with me when I could be down in LA watching star wars.

I feel worthless and I feel like his friends matter more and this brought those feelings up quite a bit.

I'm an irrational bitch.

[hocus pocus]

You mentioned looking for a new therapist soon and I know we've talked about this before in the past, but I think you should look for someone who does EMDR. I know you've talked about your abuse but this could help your brain do a little more processing, and it can also help you feel less dangerous. People seem to either love it or hate it but it's worth a try. I haven't done it that often, because when you first start it, it can make you dissociate a lot and it's also exhausting and it can make you feel dangerous for the first few sessions, too. That's something you'd have to be careful with but once you're past that you might really benefit. My therapist had me come up with a safe word and he actually programmed my subconscious and whenever that word is said, I calm down. I don't want to give up self-harm, but he is also planning to program my subconscious with sayings like, "My skin is my protector" and other sayings to keep me from self-harming. All of that subconscious stuff is extremely powerful and I think it could help you. The rough thing is getting past those first few sessions and I'll be here for you during that.

I think getting a second opinion with a new psychiatrist is a good idea. It must be frustrating when your old therapist told you to talk to your psychiatrist and your psychiatrist told you to work on it in therapy. My psychiatrist talks about dissociation but doesn't give too many coping skills for it. You definitely do need a therapist who will brainstorm skills with you because trying new skills is a constant thing.

Even though you've stopped taking your antibiotics, maybe you can at least try to keep your wounds clean. I have a habit of cutting in the shower, too, and I usually get into trouble with blacking out from the surplus of hormones I get from cutting, so try to be careful if you continue cutting. I know you like Christmas movies so if you need a distraction we can watch some together (or together as we'll get in different timezones ) and text while watching it or something. You said you don't want to get into all of your triggers and if you don't want to post them publicly, you can PM me. I won't ever think of you differently for talking about them.

Do you think it's possible to help your boyfriend move in and then plan on going to the hospital if you feel you need to? You also might feel a little safer when he's around, too. Maybe you won't want to hurt yourself as much.

I don't think it's childish to be upset about his plans for Christmas weekend. Christmas is on a Friday this year so it's kind of odd. If it were on a Monday or something, or earlier in the week, you would have had more time to hang out. I definitely think he should have asked if you had anything going on before deciding to go. You're not worthless, though. It sounds like it was a spur of the moment thing and he didn't take time to think everything through before giving an answer.

Do you have any plans the week following Christmas? A lot of people still celebrate then, too. Maybe you can plan your own little Christmas later on or you can celebrate on New Years. Maybe you can ask your boyfriend what his plans are. But, if you start planning something now, it could get you excited and it could give you something to look forward to.

I'm always here if you need anything.

Thanks for responding. I will consider emdr. I am gonna bring a list of doctors into my psychiatrist and see who he suggests. If he can't make any suggestions then I'll just read what I can about the therapist and makes calls. There are two therapists I am interested in but they are in the same office as my dad's therapist. My dad said he would ask his therapist about them but he might not see his therapist for a while.

My therapist suggested two therapist but they don't take my insurance. I suppose I could message her about that and see if she could make other suggestions but I am a little nervous about the.

I could possibly go back to the hospital after I move my boyfriend but he'll be staying with my dad and I until he can figure out housing and I don't know how comfortable he'd be with that if I wasn't around.

I did take antibiotics today because I got scared. I probably shouldn't be inconsistent but my leg was itchy and kind of hurting and it scared me. I might get over that fear tomorrow and stop taking them again. I did put neosporin on them tonight. The bottle is super small though so I don't know how long it will last. I could use epsom salt but the er doctor told me to keep the wound dry.

I have this sick obsession with letting the infection get worse and needing to be hospitalized and getting a break from all the stress but then I also get scared of doing that. I also wanted to save these antibiotics in cases I cut deep next time and get an infection.

I am on speaking terms with my boyfriend right now but I know the closer we get to the holidays and his departure I'll get angrier and distance myself. I don't want to but I also don't want to talk to him and say something mean that I would regret. I doubt he'll text me much though and I won't text him because I am not gonna bother him on his trip.

We've found a short term solution to his problem. It will last a little less then a year but it should be enough time for him to find a job.

If I can't get my cutting under control I am going to have to go inpatient again or something. My area has no outpatient care....at least not that I could find but when I get in with my new therapist I might ask them about them as a worst case scenario.

I'll get through this I am just overwhelmed a bit. This is understandable given everything that is going on. But, with time I think it will get better. my boyfriend is confident of that. I am not so confident but I am a pessimist.

[MsNobleEleanor]

I am not sure how helpful this might be but I struggle heavily on self-harm and the feelings you've shared; being alone. I have some idea's that you can try if you feel comfortable. I know how hard to not cut when we feel we need something to replace that with. Have you ever tried any deep breathing exercises? I know for myself if I have a hard time breathing or having a terrible panic attack, I take my bedding off my bed and lay on the cold sheets facing down (on my stomach). I then focus on breathing slowly. It can take a bit to focus on your breathing and to relate it to a normal rhythm. Breathing helps to clear any muscle tension I find. I know breathing isn't going to fix the problem but it helps you to be incontrol of your body.

I'm not sure if your doing any hobbies or crafts, I find doing a craft helps ground me. You can also colour in pictures (therapy colouring books) or paint, you can also sew or knit. Do you go for walks when you start to feel off? Sometimes the air (cold/warm) when it hits our face, arms, legs, feet, etc., it's calming, and looking at the flowers, houses, cars, tees, that we walk by can also direct our minds away from what is happening.

I know this is a bit different, when I experience pain instead of getting a pain killer I focus my mind onto other things so I am not focused on the pain itself. The mind is very powerful and I know how hard it is to direct the mind onto or towards something else when our emotional well-being isn't well. Not sure if showers are helpful, cold/hot showers can bring you back, playing with pets or touching them can help.

I know being alone after Christmas isn't something anyone wants, are you able to call a friend to see if they are free to do anything? If they aren't free, you can have a few days to relax and not worry about others. I know it can be hard to focus on ourselves. Sometimes when things are bad for myself and I am alone I think about what I am thankful for and what I have, not the things that I don't have. It helps to focus on the now. I know it's hard to be alone after Christmas and you can take that time to enjoy yourself, practice self-care.

I think taking the antibotics as directed by your doctor is best, infections can appear gone but they're not completely. Is it possible to get more antibotic cream for over the holidays? I'm not 100% on this but cleaning the wounds can help then air dry before applying any bandage or antibotic cream to it. Sometimes having a bandage on it all the time can slow the healing process, are you able to have the wound uncovered for an hour or two so that it can breathe?

I know how hard this is for you that you boyfriend is going out of town, have you calmly told him that you don't want to be alone after Christmas and that asking if he could call you while he is away so you won't feel alone? You can talk about general things like how his trip is going, what you have done, or thinking of idea's to do together when he returns. I know you two will be busy, but figuring out another date day/night could be fun.

I hope this was helpful. I will be around TeenHelp during Christmas and after, I will stop in the Chat Room throughout Christmas Day as well if you wanted to chat.

Thank you for the suggestions. I will try some of them.

I don't have any friends or family members that will be available and that's half the issue. I am always alone after christmas and I thought this year would be different. I thought I would be a little safer because being with him helps my urges immensely and I feel so safe and secure with him.

I know he'll probably text me a bit on his way up there and while he is there but I'll be angry...because I am still so angry about him....that texting or talking to him won't be a good idea because that anger will be evident. However, if he texts, he'll know I am angry because my responses will be short and then he'll feel bad but I know I won't be able to muster the energy but to be anything but short. Not out of childishness but because I don't want to let my anger out on him and say something I'll regret.

I was going to see a movie when he was out of town but due to unexpected medical costs I don't have the money for that. So I'll have to stay at home, alone and feeling like shit. I might watch some of the holiday movies they'll have on hallmark. They usually continue playing them till the new year or play new years based ones...if I remember correctly.

But, I am really scared at how unsafe I am already feeling and anger is one of my biggest triggers.

He's such a great guy and I know if he knew I didn't think I would be safe this weekend he wouldn't go but I am not going to have him miss out on something he's been looking forward too just because I know being alone is going to be dangerous.

The only person I can hang out with is my dad but I think I mentioned that his partner is triggering and I would just get upset, leave and end up coming home and definitely cutting.

This just put me in a bad situation but I know it puts my boyfriend in one too because I'll be bad at him and he'll figure it out if he texts me and then he'll be upset and might not enjoy himself. He has so much going on right now that I want him to enjoy himself. I do but I just wish it hadn't been planned on this holiday weekend.

I'll get through it but I can't guarantee I'll get through it without harming myself and that's what worries me. I worry the anger will get the best of me and I'll end up doing severe damage like I did on the ninth and have to get help. That would make my boyfriend feel guilty too because he'll think it was because of him.

Idk, there is no resolution to that problem. I have some distractions I can utilize and I will but once those run out I am worried.

I'll get through it. I've gotten through the past few holidays alone but I feel more unsafe then I have felt in a long time.