Triggering: Extreme violence/anger + self harm

[Despair...]

I HATE posting now in the forums because my dad has checked my history and literally taken pictures of what I post on here and show it to others, and make fun of me, and say that I lie on here, which hurts me and ties into what just happened like 10 minutes ago. I was screaming at my dad to unrestrict my therapist on my phone so I could schedule the appointment, and he said no, that he has to schedule the appointments since im the child. And I just flipped out, I feel that I have zero control in my life. ZERO, NOTHING. So I picked up this little vacuum thing and hit my brother really hard with it since he was telling me what to do.. I really regret it.. I do this all the time! I've broken a billion things in my house.. I cant handle this!! I hate being bipolar. Like I will tell myself I can do this, and I will feel fine, like this morning I was doing great! And then everything falls apart, like right now. Im currently home alone and I have new blades in my room, and I have such bad ideas right now. I want to cut so deep that I will pass out. But I cant.. I have soccer... they cant notice... ugh but I want to so bad.. I hate my life so much right now. I HATE IT. Now my dad is not letting me go to my soccer game on Thursday, and forcing me to go to my therapy session then instead of scheduling a different date. I feel like im going to flip out of anger at my therapy session in the waiting room and make a scene. Im so angry. I know it will happen. I cant do this.. I know you guys will tell me to be strong. But I cant. Like everyone at my school practically hates me.. Im this freak. Nobody understands what this is like!

now im calm, and I regret doing everything. Ugh

[JazzyJazz]

I'm sorry to read that your dad behaves the way he does and I'm not surprised it causes you to flip out and do destructive things. Bipolar or not, everyone has the potential to get angry and I don't think you should see yourself as a freak.

However, it might be better to try and direct your anger at something inanimate rather than your brother. Shred some paper, scribble with a felt tip pen until it runs out of ink, hit a pillow, fill some water balloons and launch them out of the window. Anything that (hopefully) won't cause someone else to get hurt (this includes you!)

Despite the fact that your dad is very controlling of the therapy situation, I think it's great that you are seeing a therapist because at least s/he is someone who you can vent to. It must surely give you a sense of justice to know that he can't hear what you're saying about him?

I honestly wouldn't worry too much about making a scene in the waiting room. You're in therapy, you're allowed to be a little crazy.

I'm glad that making this thread allowed you to feel a little calmer. You can always PM me in future if you want to vent without creating a thread or journal entry.

~ Jasmine

[Green Yoshi]

Indiaaaaa

If people at school hate you, then they don't deserve you. You're someone who's going through a lot /went through a lot, and you deserve better than to feel this way. But what i'm going to say is that no matter what happens, I'll be around, we'll be around. And you'll meet people who like you for who you are (heck i think you're pretty damn awesome ) so believe in yourself. Like i've said before many times... the more you doubt yourself, the less you realize that you're capable of accomplishing anything.

I also think that it's time you got into calming habits like reading, listening to instrumental music and talking walks. Those will help you to relax, which will certainly help you overcome this problem.. Believe. There's nothing India can't accomplish... you're certainly better than a lot of those other people who ridicule you . Rather, you've compassion.. and what those other do is simply criticize and talk bad about people... We all know who's the sweeter, nicer person here. I also suggest playing calming games online that involve good , fun music and this will be a good pastime too! It's better than hitting or overthinking things and raging... and it'll also help cultivate a happy, positive mindset. Also, no harming yourself... you've got me, so rant to me.. i'll help you out, anytime anywhere.

Now, just remember that there's nothing worth overthinking.. nothing worth doubting. This is one fight you're going to win, and we're going to help you all the way.