Triggering (SH): Cutting

I submitted a helplink ticket about this but I felt like posting here as well. I should probably post in the Self Harm Forum but I have issues with doing that. This is more private.

I am having trouble with dissociating and I am having trouble with my urges to self harm. I really want to cut and I am struggling with seeing the point of recovering. I am sitting here thinking about cutting myself and there are a lot of reasons why. School is a big stressor which after next week I am done but I haven't gotten the grades I want and I feel like an utter failure.

Dissociation: I used to do it a lot before I started going to therapy for my abuse. I mean, I was a walking disaster when it came to dissociation. I dissociated once and ran into a pole. I would dissociate at the drop of a hat. And, lately I've been dissociating. I did it yesterday when I was volunteering and I did it a lot. I was able to pull myself out of it but it was freaking me out because it had been so long since I had dissociated. Today, I've been in a state of half dissociation half aware. I don't know how to explain it. This is freaking me out because I don't know what is causing it and I don't want to go back to dissociating all the time.

I'm also worried that I'll end up cutting while I am in a dissociated state because I won't be present enough to stop myself. I used to cut when I was dissociated and sometimes cutting would make me dissociate. So IDK...I am just worried.

I never stop craving the self harm but this is constant. A month or so ago I thought about buying new blades and had to will myself not to go to the store. If I had been in a dissociated state I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. Sometimes I take a razor and put it to my skin just to feel something but I am able to not cut...if I am dissociated I might cut. I have a lot of semi-dangerous hacks I use to not cut that could turn into self harm. If I am dangerous these tricks might not be suck a good idea to use....but I might use them anyway because I am dissociated.

I am hoping that after this semester is over I'll feel better but I can't help but feel like a failure due to the grades I'll be getting. I should be thankful I am passing but it's just like...it's not perfection and these classes were heck of hard.

I need a break and I am getting one soon but life will keep going. I'll continue to drive myself mad with thoughts and I just don't know. I want to cut so badly. I know I can use the alternatives but when I am in this state they don't really work. It's shear willpower that keeps me from cutting and right now I just don't know if I care enough.

The main thing that is keeping me from cutting is that I know I'll be so disappointed in myself if I break my self harm free streak. April 23 will be two years and I want to get there but I am struggling with seeing the point of recovery right now.

To cut would bring so much relief. I know it wouldn't solve my problems but the relief would be amazing and that is what I am struggling with. I want that relief. I need that relief. Nothing brings me the relief that cutting does and I don't know what to do.

When I think about my past experiences with cutting it gives me a high. I get a sort of enjoyment thinking about it. I want the mess, the prepping, the pain. I want it all. I remember how that stuff used to be a chore and now it seems welcome. Cutting is invigorating and I don't know what to do because that feeling gets stronger every day. I know the relief it will bring. I'm starting not to care about the damage it will do. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm at a loss.

I have a list of reasons not to cut but that doesn't seem good enough anymore. My reasons to cut seem better.

I go to therapy tomorrow and I plan on talking to her about this but I don't know if it will do any good. Sometimes therapy helps and other times it doesn't. And, what can she possibly do to help me? I believe in therapy but sometimes I feel like I am hopeless when it comes to getting help.

There's so much I don't tell people because they don't need to know but it eats away at me. I won't tell them so that's not an option.

I feel lost and alone and I just want to curl into a ball and sleep for days. Come christmas break that is what I plan on doing.

I'm a failure. I'll always be a failure and if that is the case why not fail at recovery too.

[Coffee.]

Sorry for late reply. I hope you talked to your therapist about it. I've recently relapsed into cutting (over a week clean now, woo) and it's not worth it. It seems worth it, but it's not. There's so much shame, there's so much hiding, and it's just a nightmare to be dealing with that urge again. It's scary. When you're in these states, it seems like the way out. It breaks you away from the mundane bullshit of daily life that has come crashing down on us. It's an escape-but it breaks you into another reality of addiction and harm. I know you know all of this, and I'm not sure this is good advice, but know the coping skills are worth it. The 'get through tonight' thoughts are worth it. You're worth it, and your recovery has not been for nothing. You're strong as fuck, Jenna, and even if you've somehow relapsed since you wrote this, I still look up to you for two years. You're amazing.