Triggering (SH): My story with self-harm

[color="Magenta"]TRIGGER WARNING for very descriptive explanation of my self-harm through the years. So if you are triggered easily please either stop reading now or read with lots of caution.

I'm going to start off by introducing myself because I feel it's important. My name is Frankie and I am 22 years old. I started self-harming when I was about 4 or 5 years old. I started self-harming by picking scabs and sticking safety pins into the bottom of my feet and toes and then ripping the pins out and pulling the skin off, you would think that I wouldn't be able to walk or do gymnastics because of how raw the bottom of my feet were but it didn't bother me at all. I remember one time I was probably about 10 we just got done eating and I grabbed a tooth pick when I was in the car I took off my shoes and socks and shoved the tooth pick into my big toe then ripped it out and pulled the skin off. Sometimes it was so deep that it would hurt while ripping the skin off and it would bleed. I probably stopped doing this when I was about 11 or 12 but the self-harm didn't stop.

We used to go camping all the time and I would always get bug bites. I would scratch them until they would scab then I would always pick them. Unlike my sister who doesn't know when to leave a scab alone I do. I would pick a scab until it got to a certain depth then I would stop picking and let them heal. My legs got so bad with all the scabs when I was like 7 or 8 gymnastics would make me put band-aids on the scabs but then it got so bad they told me I had to wear pants to cover my legs up. That lasted a couple of months or maybe even 6 but then I didn't have to wear them anymore. The same goes for if I fell and got a scab I would pick those too. I still do this to the day with the bug bites and scabs.

I was 13 or 114 when I started scratching my skin until it was raw and would bleed. I put a picture up on myspace about self-harm and one of my friends messaged me and told me to take it down because I didn't know what I was talking about so I told her what I do and she told me that cutting was faster and a lot easier. The first time I tried cutting I was in class and took the metal clip thingy off of a pen and put it to my arm and cut. Then the summer I was going into 9th grade I went to girl scout camp and there was an older girl there that wore long sleeves all the time. So I asked her why she didn't tell me but then I told her I saw her arms and that I cut too. Then everything went to hell I was cutting at camp and she told so they took my plastic knife away and my shaving razor then I started breaking CDS and I would use those to cut. So that summer is when I really started cutting./COLOR]

9th grade was hell for me. I started cutting more and more until it was pretty much everyday. I made a second myspace account for my cutting and one day I noticed this scar on this one girls arm so I asked her if she cut through that other myspace account and she found out who I was and went to the school and told the councilor so they called my grandma and then she asked me and I denied it. Then when I saw the girl I yelled at her and asked her why she told and she said something like because it was dangerous and that I needed help. I ended up loosing some of my friends because of depression and the cutting. So I started hanging around the girl who told me about cutting and her friends. My teacher found out and would try and help a little. In the middle of the school year I told the councilor and they told my grandma. I got into weakly therapy. My teacher came to my house one day and helped me throw away all my razor blades, but I just went out and bought more. I had always brought a razor to school just in case I needed it. I was talking about it one day and the same teacher over heard me and made me give it to her then we had to go to the office. They called my grandparents and the cops. They talked while I just sat there then the cops put me in handcuffs and took me to the emergency room. The psychologist talked to me and we decided to send me to a hospital. I was there for 13 days. I cut once while I was there with a plastic knife. After I got out i substituted cutting for not eating. My grandma would put fruit in front of me and I love fruit so I would eat that but nothing else. I didn't cut for four years after the hospital. But I would bite myself instead not enough to bleed or anything just enough to bruise.

I started cutting again four years later when my mom started using drugs and alcohol again. My cutting got really bad again. Then I think I went a year without cutting then I started again along with starving myself and purging. I still cut myself but if I don't have anything or don't want to cut I bite myself. I also get this feeling sometimes that I need a scab to pick so I will scratch my skin raw until I have something to pick.


So That is my story with self-harm.

[frisoni98]

[EDITED]
Sorry to hear anyways, not that I never thought about cutting or suicide, but I think there's no point in destroying yourself.

At least that's what I think.

[DanTheMan :P]

Originally Posted by frisoni98

[EDITED]
Sorry to hear anyways, not that I never thought about cutting or suicide, but I think there's no point in destroying yourself.

At least that's what I think.

No offence but I dont think you need to say that sort of thing when you have no idea how she feels. The forums arent really a place to make people feel even worse than they already do.l

[frisoni98]

I'm sorry if I made someone here hurt, though I didn't want to!
I never told her to continue hurting herself, so nothing's wrong with it!

[FireHeart]

Originally Posted by frisoni98

I'm sorry if I made someone here hurt, though I didn't want to!
I never told her to continue hurting herself, so nothing's wrong with it!

While you did not tell her to continue hurting herself, you told her that there is no point to what she's doing. We all have different ways of coping, and often cutting is a way to survive. You're destroying yourself physically to stay intact emotionally and mentally. So, essential, your saying that something that gives her relief and quite possibly keeps her alive has no point.
That is offensive. I would advise you to be more careful with your words, we're here to give support, not any kind of judgement or criticism.
~Thank you~

[FireHeart]

To Warrior,
May I just say that I'm sorry for everything that you've been through and I get what some of it is like. You are very brave to be sharing your story, and doing so is a very important step towards healing.
It seems like self-harm has become a very regular thing for you, almost as if it is a part of you. While your scars are most certainly a part of you, the action isn't. It is simply an action, it does not define you in any way. You may feel like in order to be you you have to be doing some form of self-harm but that is not the case. There is so much more to you than scars and scabs, so much more depth, you are more important and strong then I think you give yourself credit for.
I would recommend trying to find out why you self-harm. The very core reason, and if right now you cut just because it's a habit, look back and see why you started and what need of yours that you felt wasn't getting satisfied. Find what your missing that you think that self-harm fills, if only for a short time, and then look for an alternative(s) that fill it as well, just without the danger of self-harm.
I hope this helps in some way, friend.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey <3

[mockingbirdalert]

Im so sorry for what you've been going through
but Hun do you think its worth hurting yourself? to hurt that beautiful body of yours?
I love that you took the first step and opened up <3 thats actually a sign towards healing you know? and thats amazing..
Self harm its just a way to get away from all the pains, you know when people say we cut ourselves to get the feeling of numbness sweetheart you're just hurting yourself
i just hope and pray you get rid of these urges
and i like the fruit idea, keep eating fruits D

[Nay:D]

Hey hun!
I'm sorry for what you've been through and what you're going through, but honestly it's not worth it, not at all. You're just leaving behind ugly scars, scars that will remind you of how weak you were and trust me that feeling that you get when you realize you're weak, it's horrible.
harming yourself it's not going to get you anywhere.
Whenever you feel like cutting just stop for a minute and think think about the acid thrown victims(if you don't know about them, search them up) they want nothing more than to get rid of those scars.
Even though it's the internal beauty that counts but these scars will eat you up, they will eat your confidence up, they'll finish you. So I would suggest you don't continue it.

If you ever want to talk or anything just leave me a message, I'm here for you!
take care of yourself and don't destroy that beautiful body which is a gift to you from God!

Stay positive in life! and face the hurdles with bravery!