I've fricking had enough!!!!!!

[.KillCasino.]

The words are mixed up in my mind, I want them to flow but they're scared to release. They're scared to admit the truth. I'm scared to admit the truth. I can't call anyone because no one knows, and besides, I have phoneophobia aha, I hate talking on the phone. I sound like an idiot and I tend to freeze up, so most of the call is spent with me staying silent, wanting to speak but I can't. I'm such a freak, seriously. I keep staring at the scars on my arms, and I keep wishing that they weren't there...why did I start this? I can't even remember when I DID start this, it just kinda happened..*sigh*. It hard trying to stop, it really is but I know I can do it.

If you want something so much, you'll do anything, right?

Mhmm. I could throw that several ways. It winds me up when I'm feeling low as well, and someone says 'come sit down and have a cup of tea, you'll feel better'. Oh yeah, coz a cup of tea is gonna sort everything out aha. British people, eh? Tea solves fuck all, aha. Now I'm ranting muchly, but yeah, I just really need to. I don't actually give a crap if anyone responds either, though saying that I would like a little help. *screams* I don't know what I'm doing here, I think I'm gonna get ready and go out somewhere, anywhere. Mhmm, that sounds like a good idea I think.

I think that life is non-existant. We aren't truly here.
Seriously, we're not.

[losing touch.]

Hey Laura.
i don't know your personally and haven't spoken to you before but judging by the replies in this thread you are obviously important to a lot of people here. giving up is not the answer, it never is and never will be. and don't tell me that theres no point to life anymore for you, because there is always a point, sometimes its just hard to find. but if you look hard enough, you'll find that special someone or something that gives you the hope and motivation to carry on going. no one is hopeless, including you. you need to try and see the positives in this situation. ok, so your feeling pretty shit, but there must be some positives in your life that you can focus on. what about friends or family? if you can't keep going for yourself, then at least you could try for those who love and care about you? i can't say i understand exactly what you're going through, because everyone is in a different situation but what i do know is that i've had my fair share of shit lately, and i know how hard things can get.

[.KillCasino.]

Yeah, I know...and these people are important to me as well. Sometimes i feel they're more important than my real friends, yet all I do is throw stuff back at them and I don't mean to, I'm just lose control. Maybe there are some positives, I'm having difficulties finding them again right now =/
but yeah...

[losing touch.]

well, there you go, thats a step forward saying that maybe there are some positives. i promise you there are things worth living for in your life, you might not even know what they are right now, but they're there. i get what you mean about people here seeming more important than your friends in real life, i think its because here we feel safe and accepted where as the real world is harsh and pretty unforgiving. i hope you're doing a bit better today! :]

[.KillCasino.]

mhmm, I guess you're right..but I still feel crappy..

[.KillCasino.]

In fact, crappy is nowhere near how I feel.
I just learnt that my friend is in hospital. Attemped...
Its my fault!

[losing touch.]

Originally Posted by .KillCasino.

In fact, crappy is nowhere near how I feel.
I just learnt that my friend is in hospital. Attemped...
Its my fault!

it's most definitely NOT your fault. you can't blame yourself for the actions of others, however much it hurts and you might find it easier placing the blame with yourself. think how you feel right now, having a friend attempt.. would you want that for your friends and all the people who love you and care about you? suicide doens't just end your life, it affects so many peoples lives, people you probably don't even know that you've touched.
maybe you should try the alternatives in the SH forum, there are some good ways there to get your mind off things. you deserve to be happy, Laura. <3

[.KillCasino.]

mhmm, i feel like its my fault though..im too busy wallowing in my stupid depression to notice whats going on around me! :[

[losing touch.]

Originally Posted by .KillCasino.

mhmm, i feel like its my fault though..im too busy wallowing in my stupid depression to notice whats going on around me! :[

how is it your fault?

[.KillCasino.]

Angry, angry, angry, angry, angry, ANGRY!
*deep breaths*
I feel like theres no point in life anymore...
I feel like each breath is my last...
I feel like my heart should just. Stop.
*deep breaths*
I feel like that dull ache is never going to fade away, and that the pain he brought to me is never going to disappear.
I feel like that fictional story i'm writing isn't so fictional after all.
I feel like I'm hated, hated by them all.
*deep breaths*
I feel like its the end of the world.
I feel like i'm never ever going to be at peace, and that the world is just one great big huge lie.
I feel like I'm alone.
*One...two...three...four...five...six...*
I feel like you're never going to be here for me!
I feel like you laugh at me behind my back, and you're constantly watching for mistakes!
I feel like...I feel like...
*...six...seven...eight...nine...ten...*
I feel like i'm the most hated person in the world, yet I feel like i've become so invisible!
I feel like no matter how much I do, I'm NEVER going to be accepted!
I feel like when I sleep with your hoodie each night, I feel like you're here with me but you're not! You're NOT!
*uno...dos...tres...quatro...cinco...seis...siete. ..ocho...nueve...diez...*

You're not real anymore!!!!

[newbie552]

*hugs laura till her eyebals fall out* heheh, sorry aboit that *puts them back in*

I know how you feel, honestly I do, like no one really understands you and thinks you'er just a charity case and that if you died all people would do is think "ohh that's to bad" and carry on as if you wern't there.

I don't know about you but I often feel very cautous or sometihng around people and always suspect that they think I'm creepy or annoying.

Your a good person! And I honestly care about you

Sorry that this reply is short, if you wanna talk or just rant, pm me anytime

[.KillCasino.]

Ahh, so now I have a name for you :] Robin :]
Thats a nice name, and I'm glad you put your eyeballs back in, thats a relief :]
Oh, and I don't think you're creepy OR annoying, honestly, you're a nice person :]
nice? I mean you're ah-maz-ing :]
but yeah...its okay, I appreciate you replying tbh.

[newbie552]

thank you, I like it to
I know it's a relief, if you were blind you see my bad typing skills or awsome Frutopia *gasp*.

Thanks, I think I started feeling that last year when one of my friends told me "everybody hates you, the only reason they talk to you is because I make the".

Welcome Laura (same little message as my last post)

[.KillCasino.]

:[ that sucks :[
grrr I'm so worried!

[newbie552]

yes it does

why?

[.KillCasino.]

murderer.
thats what I am.

[TheNumber42]

*screams giddily like a little girls and hugs Laura* Laura! I'm so glad that you're alright. I was really worried about you last night. Then I was pulled away from my computer early this morning until just now.

Whatever happens with your friend, it isn't your fault. You can't expect yourself to be able to help other people until you've helped yourself. I know it's hard, but it's unfortunately true. Right now all you can do is try to be supportive of your friend, make sure they know you care. But don't forget to take care of yourself. You are so important.

How're you feeling right now?

EDIT: Laura, how are you a murderer?

[.KillCasino.]

I'm feeling like how a murderer would feel.
Because thats what I am.

[newbie552]

you're not a murderer, what your friend did was her decision, and her decision onyl , you didn't make her commit suicide, it was her choice

(do you like the song?)

[.KillCasino.]

I killed him. I attempted. He said he'd do the same if I tried. I didn't believe him.
Why the fuck didn't I believe him!

[TheNumber42]

You aren't a murder! Why do you feel that way?

EDIT: Sorry, my internet posted that alot slower than I wanted it too.... You aren't a murderer. When you're suicidal, you can't see other options. You are blinded by the pain that you just can't figure out how to cope with. It isn't your fault that you attempted or that he did. You really didn't have control at that point. Yoiu aren't a bad person for doing this!

[.KillCasino.]

Because of the reason above.

[.KillCasino.]

Cody, last night I was so sure. I was so sure...

[TheNumber42]

Laura, you really aren't a bad person. I was so scared for you last night because I really care about you so much.

You've made mistakes, but you've also made so much progress. You've really come so far in just the last week or two. I know that you can make it through this.

[.KillCasino.]

Righty-oh, I've got to dash...I have things that I need to do...
If...If you're willing to chat on MSN, then i'll be back on in five mins, the internets being turned off and TH on the mobile isn't that good tbh...
*Sigh* anyhow...
add me on msn...yeah?

[.KillCasino.]

Oh, and just to clarify.
1. I AM a bad person, I've proved that a lot today...
2. I WISH last night had happened...
3. Not making progress...
4. Feel worse...

[newbie552]

well I wish it didn't happen, you're a really good person and friiend and if you do anything I will rip out my internal organs and sell them on ebay!

[.KillCasino.]

Robin, you don't have to do that...really, please dont...I can't cope with another death because of me..

[newbie552]

ok I won't but still please don't try anything

[.KillCasino.]

I just like, idk, my heads bleeding aha. Serves me right for banging it against the wall so hard.

[TheNumber42]

Laura, you aren't a bad person. You seriously aren't. You made some mistakes, but so has everyone that's ever visited these forums. You've also done alot of good. I've seen you help other people, you've been a friend to me. Don't dwell on the mistakes you've made, focus on the positives. There are so many of them.

You ARE making progress. You are really trying hard, I can tell you are. You're trying to think positive, trying to get better. And you will keep improving, and eventually things will be so much better for you.


Also, I tried to add you on MSN, I'm not sure it worked though.

[.KillCasino.]

i feel like crap..i dont belong..

[.KillCasino.]

Looking out of my window...looking out beyond the fields I can see the sun beginning to creep closer and closer. The sun is like my natural anti-depressant. As soon as it comes, everything seems brighter, everything seems hopeful. Winter is the worst part, its dark, dull and makes my depressive state so much worse. Still, Spring is on the way, I can feel it...

There's not really much I want to say, but so much I need to say, its unreal. So its like 11.40am, and i'm sat here like a loon, just typing and listening to his song, for the millionth time...its unhealthy, I swear. Anyway, yeah...so he came back last night, at like 1am. He appeared on the end of my bed, though he looked different to usual...he was angry with me. He called me a failure, he said I wouldn't amount to anything. He got closer and he scared me...then he was gone. It hurt, now even he had turned against me...

In times like this, I think I need a holiday although I have to admit that I hate holidays. I hate leaving my house, I can't relax on a holiday, I feel out of my safezone...hmm, but I could do with one of the camping holidays right now. I hate camping, but lately i'm warming to the idea because of the simplicity and the peace. I like the way its so peaceful, so calming, and its right by the beach so I can just chill out...thats what I need to do right now, chill out...

Hmm...life, who'd have one, eh? Who'd want to actually continue living. I was a mistake, I'm sure of it. Both my mum and dad have told me how much they hate me, and wish that i'd never been born. My stepdad hates me with a passion. I have no other family really...hmm, i'm rambling, I know I am...

I'll shhh now..

[Fieryfxcker]

Its okay, you don't need to be quiet. Tbh your parents are so horrible to say that to you, they have no right.
Maybe they don't like you, but your friends do, and so do i and other people on TH
What song is it that you are listening to? I'm curious (:
camping holiday sounds good. try that out?

[.KillCasino.]

Umm, well the song is 'Gone so Young' by Amber Pacific...
They both said that a while ago, but it sticks in my mind, like many other things, right?
Hmm...and yeah, my mum is forcing me to go camping with her and the rest in April time, I swear it had better not be on my birthday, or i'll scream!

[Fieryfxcker]

Lets hope it isn't. My birthday is like never acknowledged lol.
But how comes your mum is forcing you?

[.KillCasino.]

Because I am no longer allowed to be alone, in case I'm a silly girl, aha.
I'm 17, and they can't trust me...*sigh*

[Fieryfxcker]

That sucks, and technically you're an adult so they cant make you do anything..

[.KillCasino.]

'Whilst you're under my roof you do what I tell you to do'.
*cough* and the next question is prob going to be why don't I move out?
I can't. No money, no job, nowhere to go...I wouldn't be able to cope, seriously

[.KillCasino.]

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life...

Says it all really, doesn't it...?