I've fricking had enough!!!!!!

[LycanGrrrl]

Laura, I tried to help you but I don't think I can ever help me....Bella says it doesn't hurt....Maybe tonight when shes comes to visit me....maybe I'll follow. Just in case I do, I'm saying Good-bye

[Giddy Ian]

Laura there's no words for how much I want you to feel better. If I could see you I'd give you a big hug but I guess the internet will have to do *hugs*. Please don't give up, life has it's up and downs and you gotta get through the tough times to appreciate the good times.

I'm here for you, please don't give in!

[TheNumber42]

Laura, people do care about you! I don't know for sure about everyone else, but I can tell you that I care about you so much. You are my friend. You aren't a bad person or a bitch at all.

You did do better after you came back. You really have been getting better about opening up lately, and if you just stick with it I know that you can succeed and be happy.

You're never annoying and you never have been. You're my friend, it is my job to listen to you rant and to be here to support you. And I always will be.

Love you, stay strong.

[.KillCasino.]

Okay so I'm still here, I can practically hear the excitement in that. I don't know what happened, or what is happening. All I know is that they want me...to stop. So, Umm, i'mma gonna take today off and its chucking it down but I'm gonna go sit in the gardens up by the park, coz its peaceful there and I'm gonna think.
Just think.
About anything and everything and when I come back later, well, I hope I have a different perspective on the outlook of life. Either that or I feel a million times worse.

That's good, Laura. Taking the time to think, especially in a beautiful place, and relax is often a good way to process things. I hope it worked for you.

[.KillCasino.]

Okay, so there's no point crying over spilt milk, right? Well, what if that milk was replaced by something much nicer, like...umm...hot chocolate?

So I took a little trip to these gardens near my house. I sat there for a few hours, just thinking. Its been three months today. Three months today since he left me and let me tell you, it doesn't get any easier. It like he's only just left, the grief is still raw and my senses are kinda numb. Hmm, I think the thinking did a lot of good though, I mean, its weird. I feel so happy, I feel like I'm on top of the world. Some old lady walked through the garden and looked at me as if I was a criminal about to graffitti my name all over or something, pfft...lol. Anyway, I had the last laugh when she tripped when she was glaring at me. She soon shot off :]

I sat there a bit longer. I was thinking about all the events that have happened in my life, and one by one i tried to erase them from my mind. Its like I managed to fall into a trance and nothing seemed to matter. I tried to erase all of the memories, the violence, the bullying, the deaths, everything. As I sat there I kinda realised how beautiful the world is. I watch things change within those few hours, I saw the rain come and go, the sun shine on through the trees, I saw the few snowflakes fall around me...it only lasted a few seconds but it was beautiful. I haven't seen snow in a while, only the rain...it was a good change :]

It got to dinner so I decided that maybe I should get to college before I was late. Lessons were average, but I was content, unlike the guy next to me who was falling apart. I know about his problems, but i'd never seen him this bad and although I wanted to help, he wouldn't let me so I figured he just wanted to be left alone. I got my 1000 free texts today, which made me happy :] However, I had a twilight lesson (after college hours) which sucked, but what sucked even more was that I brought a hot chocolate from the vending machine. Half of it was froth and half of it ended up all down me as I ran for the bus (which was early!). I got to the doors and it drove off! The cheek of it :]

So yeah, although today is a rather sad day for me, I also feel happy because I think i've begun to finally sort out that mess in my head, and the voices are calming also. I mean, I heard some today but they weren't as bad...if that makes sense. They didn't tell me to harm...they said everything would be okay...

Lets hope so! :]

[skittlezann]

hunif you need any help i'm here for you i have a yahoo acount if you need any help i have been there and back many of times and you don't need to do anything your going to wish you hadn't ok

[.KillCasino.]

Yeah, I think I realise this now, although my mood is beginning to drop from like 100% to somewhere in the 70% margin...sucks...ahh well. Thanks anyhow :]

You can't always be 100%, but remember how you felt during that moment, because that way you can remember that you have the ability to be happy. Life is full of ups and downs. Without one, we couldn't fully appreciate the other.

[.KillCasino.]

Hmm. I want to write more, because my mood is crashing and I NEED to keep it up, I can't fall below the 50% margin, and I feel like i'll be there soon. Haha, on the 'up' side I just got an e-mail from that stupid trent barton bus company lol, haha. So they should e-mail me! They should give me free travel also lol! :] Anyway, yeah, so I'm bored, I feel ill now...I can't stop shaking either, i'm having one of my stupid panic attacks...sigh...

[.KillCasino.]

Three.
Three months.
Three months and.
Three months and you're.
Three months and you're not.
Three months and you're not here.
Three days and I give up.
Three days and I give.
Three days and I.
Three days and.
Three days.
Three.

You've been gone three months.
I've been free three days.
How much longer will it last?
How long before I crack again?

[TibbySkye]

Now I understand, I actually cried.
My friend that died, sometimes I think he's still here, and I want to be with him too.
But...I think that they want us to keep fighting.

Setting goals about how to feel can be good or bad. In this case, it's not a good thing. You are telling yourself you can fall below the 50% mark, but constantly keeping this in mind will only push you closer because you won't let yourself let go and feel how you feel (as much as it may hurt). Then when you do fall past that point, you will feel crummy and be angry and punish yourself for not meeting your "goal." You CAN fall below that point; it is possible. You will TRY not to. But if you do, it's okay. You will eventually find a way back up, especially if you can manage to hold on to the good moments, the moments when you feel free. Write as much as you can if it keeps you floating.

You asked yourself how long before you give up again. If you phrase it that way, you are setting up your own demise ahead of time. True, you are familiar with that and wouldn't be disappointed if you expected it. But you also have no chance at something better, at feeling happier if you don't take a leap of faith that maybe "giving up" is not the only option. Where you are now is not a fun place. You got there by giving up. If you continue to give up, you WILL stay in the same place. Perhaps it's time to try something different.

[.KillCasino.]

Well, I kinda guess its good you're beginning to understand...but I'm not sure...I mean, I don't know. I miss all of the friends I've lost, but i was extra close with him and idk, i'm finding it more hard to move on...the thing is though, I still see Nathan. I still see him, he turns up and we talk. People think i'm mental but i'm not I swear. I see him, I hear him. I'm happy that I see him still, but at the same time it makes me depressed, because he tells me to end it. Sometimes I want to do this like the other night, but I know its wrong and yeah...

[.KillCasino.]

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

[.KillCasino.]

So, umm, I just need to write and write and write because if I don’t then I’m going to fall into another one of my deep depressive states and then I’ll become trapped and I’ll spend the night planning on how I’m going to end it, which is something I refuse to do tonight. I refuse to spend my weekend being depressed. I want to be happy. I want to be so happy that I can’t get rid of that huge smile that’s gonna be stuck on my face :]

I want to write a story. I attempted one to keep myself busy. It was 157 something pages long, but then my laptop went dodgy and I had to format it…I never kept a copy of my story :[ I want to write a new one, but the only stories I can write are dark, depressing ones, which makes the point of this post pointless aha. So, anyway, I can’t believe that I’m still here actually. I never thought I’d make it this long, ever.

It’s my eighteenth soon. I say soon, it’s in April, aha. Random fact of the day, did you know that more people born in April are known to attempt suicide than anyone else. Also, people tend to attempt at 3am because that is the time when you feel at your lowest. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, umm my birthday! It falls on a Sunday :[ Bad times…however, it’s my friends 18th the day before on the Saturday so we’re going out :] Then at midnight I can legally buy my first drink haha.

I miss Nathan. He used to tell me that he would take me out for my eighteenth. He used to make all these plans, plans that no longer exist. Just like Will made those plans for my sixteen, and Dylan for my seventeenth…I haven’t had a happy birthday for a while, doesn’t look like I will this year either.

*stops to argue with the whole of chat*

Argh! I fucking hate everyone! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you… :’[ I’m sick…I wanted to get better today, I tried and tried and tried so hard. I spent hours clearing my mind and thinking things through, I really thought I made a slight bit of progress today but it turns out I haven’t.

I’m so fucking angry it’s unreal!

[Fieryfxcker]

*huggle*
I'm here for you. Through all of this. You mean alot to me and other people on TH.

[.KillCasino.]

Thanks...but i've never felt this low in the whole of my life...I can't stop crying, I can't stop shaking, my chest hurts, I can't breathe, I'm having the worst attack of my life and I can't calm down
*sigh* I'm sorry...I have tried today..I have tried to get better...I'm not giving up, but...I just...

[Fieryfxcker]

Just what Laura. And I don't know what panic attacks are like but i'm sure it really must suck
*hugs*

[.KillCasino.]

I'm weak at the moment, perfect time to knock me down if anyone feels like it tonight..

[Fieryfxcker]

now i certainly won't and i hope no one else does either.

[TheNumber42]

Hey Laura, everything is going to be ok. Just think back to how happy you were earlier, you can be that happy again. Just keep going with that thought in mind, ok? There will be ups and downs, right now might be a down, but that just means that you're getting ready for up.

Just keep writing, getting everything out helps. You really are making so much progress. I'm always here for you

EDIT: Of course I'm not going to knock you over, you are doing so great! You might be having a rough spot at the moment, but overall you are really making so much progress. I don't even know what I could even say to knock you over without just making something up. What you did earlier this morning, that really just shows how hard you are working to get better

[.KillCasino.]

I can't go back 'up'. There is no 'up'. It's gone, until tomorrow...

[TheNumber42]

Laura, there is up. You had up earlier, you can have it again, I promise you can.

What's tomorrow?

[.KillCasino.]

I'm such a joke...its unreal...

[TheNumber42]

I don't see anyone laughing.

What's the problem? Can you talk to us about it?

[.KillCasino.]

I'm scared Cody, I'm petrified...I really feel like i'm gonna pass out...

[TheNumber42]

Laura, just try to take some deep breaths and stay calm, ok? I'm here for you, I promise you everything is going to be alright. Things are going to get better.

Can you talk about what's scaring you?

Don't give up hope, Laura, we're here for you.

Just know that if you were to fall over, we'd all be here to catch you.

[.KillCasino.]

I did something stupid.
Because I am.
Stupid.

[TheNumber42]

Laura, you are not stupid! I know you are a really brave, strong person.

What did you do?

[.KillCasino.]

No...not brave...not brave...
Laura is a coward...who runs away and who cannot cope..

[TheNumber42]

Laura, you are not a coward. You are in so much pain, under so much stress. Of course you're afraid, but that doesn't make you a coward.

You can get through this. Can you just talk to me about what is wrong? I'm here for you

[.KillCasino.]

I'm gonna go and sleep as I feel ill...night all...

[TheNumber42]

Laura, please hold on. Don't do this, please. I know you're strong enough.

[Work_In_Progress]

Hello, sorry if I'm just barging into this conversation. I'd thought I'd give my support to you Laura. I've been watching this thread from the moment you created it, I've been watching this conversation going.

What I'd like to say is that you're very much the opposite of a coward, I admire you for your struggle and not giving into despair. You're going through a long, rough patch and you're not giving up, plus you have the support of your friends who love you very much. You're a very strong person and I'm sure you are a nice person. Just remember you are not without hope, as you have proved it yourself from realizing that life is beautiful. You have my support. I'll give you my MSN email address if you have MSN messenger; phillips_screwdriver@hotmail.com if you'll want to talk. I'm a good listener and give great advice.

[.KillCasino.]

thanks...but yyou're confuusing me becasue i am not a nice person at all...

[TheNumber42]

Laura, yes you are, you are a really great person. He is entirely right. I've never seen any evidence otherwise

[Work_In_Progress]

Having depression and grieving doesn't make you a bad person at all, if that is what you are thinking. Other than that, have you ever teased people, called them names, slap them, put people down, or any of the sort for no reason at all? I know I can only judge from your posts made online, but you don't strike me as a person who would willingly be mean or bad or bully someone for pleasure. Sure, you are clearly grieving for your loss and how life is not fair to you. Yes, you do feel terrible emotionally right now, but that's not to be confused for making you a terrible person.

[.KillCasino.]

ok, so i am sorry to inform you that im still alive, euen if i do feel like im at deaths door..