I've fricking had enough!!!!!!

[.KillCasino.]

Okay, I fricking admit defeat. I'm sick of this whole place. Life. Fricking sucks. I hate the way that my life is crowded with arguements. I hate the way that no one thinks I fricking listen to a word they fricking say! Well I do, but its fricking hard for me right now!!!! I can't just get better overnight, I can't just fricking click my fingers and bang! I'm all better haha. It doesn't fricking work that way and you know it. I hate this, I hate it all. I can't fricking take any more of this crap! You know, you can only push someone so far before they jump?

Well tonight is the night.
Hope everyone'll be more fricking happy than i've ever been.

[Fieryfxcker]

im sorry you feel like this Laura.
Would you like to talk? I have msn if you want to talk to me..
*hug*

[.KillCasino.]

Nah, I wouldn't like to end up dragging you down with me. I probably won't listen to a word you have to say either, right? I fricking hate the world. I hate myself. End of.

[kaytastrophie_xo]

You don't have to give up. It doesn't matter how many threads you post, that's what TH's for. You're exactly right, life can't get better overnight so why are you expecting it too? You're a smart girl Laura and you know this will take time but if you keep going back to suicide than you won't go anywhere. I know everyone's said this but we do want to help you but in order to do that you have to be willing to give effort too. I really don't want you to kill yourself hunn, things can get better. As cliche and unorignal as that sounds, it can get better. It takes time. It will be hard. But trust me, it will be worth it and I really hope you stay to see that.

Again, I'll always be here for you.

[Fieryfxcker]

I'm not sure that you'd drag me down with you. But at least i'd be someone who listens to what you have to say.
I won't force you as i'm not like that but I really wouldn't want you to go.
I know i've only just met you but i'd like to get to know you better.
You seem like a nice person to me (:

[.KillCasino.]

I know it fricking takes time, I know that but everyone here doesn't grasp that it takes time for me. I swear they think I fricking make it up, some people on this site fricking do my head in. They push me and push me and push me. I'm sure i've never been horrible or offensive to anyone, I'm sure i'm pretty nice to everyone so why do I always get crap back...I'm sick of my life.

[Fieryfxcker]

*hug*
People on here are horrible to you? Or is it people in life that give you hassle.
To be honest, I can relate to how you feel. Because all I ever do is be nice, and not hurt anyone and get bullied, or beaten or been made to feel like crap back. Its not very nice at all.

my msn is jasmine_crawford@live.co.uk
I'll put it there just incase okay? I'm not making you do anything honest.

x

[.KillCasino.]

Okay, so maybe I'm slightly on the verge of a breakdown right now. I'm pretty annoyed to say the least and its so difficult for me to refrain from fricking swearing, but i'll try to stick to the rules this once. Everyone gives me hassle. Absolutely everyone. Why the hell can't I just meet someone who likes me for me, or am I that much of a crap person...? Actually, don't answer that. I've tried everything. There's just one thing left.

[kaytastrophie_xo]

I don't expect you to magically get better and I definatly don't think you're making this up, as should nobody else on this site. It's obvious you are having troubles and I understand things are extremely difficult for you right now but I just really don't think saying you're going to kill yourself is going to help the matter. A lot of people care about you whether you realize it or not, but it's hard to help those who resist it. I know you're trying but you keep giving up and as hard as it is you have to try and hang in there.

EDIT: You aren't a crap person or a bad person at all, and you don't deserve to feel this way.

[.KillCasino.]

You know when you're pushed too far? I take it, I take some more, and some more and then finally I snap. There's only so much I can take right now, and I'm too angry to see sense right now, yeah, I know that, but even when I'm not angry I don't so whats the difference. Why should I bother?

[kaytastrophie_xo]

There are so many reasons why you should bother. You're still young; if you give up now you're giving up a whole lifetime of possiblities. I'm sorry if I'm pushing you, I just really want you to think and understand that there are other ways besides suicide. Just because you can't see happiness doesn't mean it's not out there; sometimes it's just out of reach, but it's never gone. It's harder for some versus others to obtain it but it's always possible.

[TheNumber42]

Laura, I really am sorry if what I said earlier came across as criticism or pushing you to get better overnight. I can see how hard you're trying and that you are listening. You may not be moving really fast, but you are moving. In my post earlier I was just trying to help you understand why it feels that everyone else is criticizing you. They don't hate you, they care. I am so sorry that it came across as hurtful. I really never meant it that way at all. No one here wants you to go, least of all me. Please just stay strong and keep holding on.

[.KillCasino.]

Cody, don't take this personally. I'm sorry, as you've probably read in my message by now.

I can't see any reasons? Do I deserve more critisism, please, enlighten me. C'mon, I can take critisism quite well to be honest, I actually like when people point out the bad things so I can improve but you just say it in such a painful way. I'm depressed, you know. Depressed? No self esteem? Feel like I'm at breaking point? And you still kick me whilst i'm down. You still make the effort to do this to me. Its not just you either, its everyone. Its the people in the real world, you know, the people I spend my days with. Everyone is out to get me, so why should I bother. I give up, you win.

[TheNumber42]

But when they say those things, it is because they care. They just don't know how to show it in a way that isn't so hurtful, but they really do care. Everyone of these people that has said these things to you cares about you enough that they posted about you. It's not because they hate you that they posted, but because they care so much and want to see you happy.

[.KillCasino.]

Cody to be honest I really couldn't give a damn right now. I don't want to hear what you've got to say. I couldn't give a crap if they meant it in a nice way or not. This isn't even about this anymore! That was the final straw to be honest. Yeah, you can call me a psycho, a freak, you can call me all the names under the sun, and I wouldn't care right now. I'm past caring.

[TheNumber42]

Laura, this is what everyone was talking about. I would give anything to be able to help you right now, but you don't want to hear it. Please just listen. Calm down a little bit. I know you've been hurt, I know that there are other things besides this, but please try to just calm down a little bit before you do anything drastic, ok? You can say whatever you want to me, tell me anything to push me away, and I'm still going to care about you and do everything I can to help, but not everyone else here feels the same way. I'm sure what you're saying now is probably really hurtful to some of them that have been trying so hard to help you.

I'm not saying (or thinking) that it is wrong for you to be upset about this or that it's your fault in the slightest, I'm just saying take a little bit to cool down. Don't do or say things you wouldn't normally do because your really emotional right now, ok?

[.KillCasino.]

You're right Cody, I don't want to hear it. Not any more. Why the hell should I calm down Cody? Why the fricking hell should I calm down?! How many fricking times do I have to tell you that I don't want you to care anymore. I don't care anymore Cody. I'll just push you away, like I've been accused of anyway and to be honest right now I couldn't give a crap who I hurt, coz none of you care when you hurt me! Oh, and my emotional state is fine. Whatever I say, I mean it from the bottom of my heart aha.

[kaytastrophie_xo]

You should calm down because that's the only way we'll be able to help you and I know you want help or you wouldn't keep posting. Cody obviously cares about you hunn, alone with many others including myself, just because you don't want them too doesn't change their minds. Isn't that what you're looking for? Aren't you looking for someone to help you? But how can we do that when you don't want anyone to care? I really want you to get through this and I want you to be happy again. You were doing great and you were finally explaining your past, then it took a bad turn. But it goes to show that you can reach out. When you tell your story we will be here to listen, and when you just need to let things out we'll be here to listen. We're not trying to push you or make you feel bad about yourself.

[TheNumber42]

Well, if you want to push me away, I'll let you. I'm not going to stick around and force you to bear me. Just know that if you do decide differently, I'm always going to be here for you. I really hope that you change your mind, I really feel like you were getting somewhere. All I want is for you to be happy.

Unless you tell me otherwise, I suppose I won't inflict myself upon you anymore. I'm so sorry that you feel this way and that there wasn't more I could do.

Take care of yourself

[silentmuffin]

Originally Posted by .KillCasino.

You're right Cody, I don't want to hear it. Not any more. Why the hell should I calm down Cody? Why the fricking hell should I calm down?! How many fricking times do I have to tell you that I don't want you to care anymore. I don't care anymore Cody. I'll just push you away, like I've been accused of anyway and to be honest right now I couldn't give a crap who I hurt, coz none of you care when you hurt me! Oh, and my emotional state is fine. Whatever I say, I mean it from the bottom of my heart aha.

If you're posting in this forum we're automatically assuming you want help and support. That's what this board is for. If you don't give a damn what any of us has to say, then you can go to the Why Me? board and rant all you'd like, and people will gladly listen without pushing you to do anything. This specific board is for help, and if you don't care and don't want it, then your posts here are not going to be responded to in the way you're expecting them to. No one here has tried to hurt you or be mean to you or anything. If you don't want our advice, then this isn't the board you should post in.

[.KillCasino.]

You know...I don't know what I do want anymore. I wanted to be happy, I wanted another chance at life...I wanted someone to listen to, but people come along and they hurt me and destroy me, I so turn defensive. Isn't that what any one of you would do. I'm sick of being the nice person. I'm sick of taking everything that is thrown my way. I'm sick of hiding how I feel, so I open up to people, and all they do is critisise. I'm at such a low point right now I actually feel like ending it right now. I have the means to do so. People don't understand how much things are pushing me lately. I'm sorry i've snapped, but you know...there's only so much I can take, like I said...

I'm sorry if i've hurt you, and I hate to admit it but you're all right...and I apologise, I act without thinking a lot of the time, and yeah...*sigh*

Well done Laura, you've screwed up again...

[TheNumber42]

I understand, I probably would have done the same thing under so much stress. It's normal human nature to do go on the defensive like that when it feels like everyone is attacking you. I'm sorry, I know I said I was leaving, but I can't help but keep posting, I really care about you. If you still want to talk, I'm here for you, ok?

[.KillCasino.]

mhmm...I'm sorry Cody, I didn't mean anything I said

[TheNumber42]

Laura, it's ok. I know how hard it is for you right now, I couldn't hold anything you say against you. I'm always going to be here for you. I don't care what happens, anytime you ever need me for anything, you talk to me about it, alright?

[.KillCasino.]

I can't let anyone close to me, I can't...they hurt me...the last person I let in..he..I miss him He was my life and I need him...I need him so much...I can't do this without him...

[TheNumber42]

Just try. I know you can do it. You are so strong. I don't expect anything to happen immediately or overnight, just try the best you can, ok? That's all I ask.

[.KillCasino.]

I can't do this without him. I've tried, believe me i've tried. Everyone blamed me for him...it wasn't my fault, I thought it was but it wasn't. I just need him. I'd do anything to have him back. I loved him...I need him...I think I'm having a breakdown here...I don't know what the hell to do anymore...I feel sick, and shaky, I feel ill...I need help...I'm willing to listen, I just need help...

I'm broken. Broken is what I am. Weak is what I've become. All I need is him...yet he isn't here any more...
Maybe this night is it, maybe this night is meant to be my last.

[TheNumber42]

This night is NOT your last. I'm here for you. Talk to me ok? Don't make the mistaqke of ending your life. I care about you so much, I know you can do this. Just stay strong.

I'm here for you, talk to me if you need to, don't let things get to the point of boiling over this time, k?

[.KillCasino.]

Okay, so now i've got to go to college and put on a happy face in front of everyone!
Maybe i'll surprise them today, maybe they'll begin to realise what a fricking psycho i am haha. I've got nothing anymore, so why should I put on a happy face?
Time's a ticking, god I hate myself.
Ha...God...
Like he gives a crap. He doesn't even exist, when I tried to believe he wasn't here, so why should I worship him?! Aha.
Anyway, good day/good night whatever...

[.KillCasino.]

Okay, so I'm fucking more depressed than I've ever been and I was hoping today that things would get better. I woke up this morning, reluctantly got ready. I'd made myself ill last night so this morning I had a migrane and two nose bleeds. I had to time for breakfast, so I got my umbrella and headed out the door. It was chucking it down, my umbrella broke...so I made the half an hour walk to the bus stop getting drenched. Got on the bus, met my friend. A drunk guy sat behind us at 8am...we get off the bus, go into college and then discover that we're locked out of tutor group because our stupid pathetic tutor hasn't shown up yet! He never does. I collapse to the floor, I look like i've been dragged through a hedge backwards.

The bell goes, so I head to Media where I am forced to listen to Millers moaning for two whole hours about how she had to see Twilight last night because 'My Bloody Valentine 3D' was sold out. I was supposed to go but I had no money because my teachers hadn't authorised my EMA because of the stupid new system. Why can't teachers get anything right?! Okay, so then I have a free period next. I go to the Sixth Form art block and sit in my private space alone. A song comes on the radio and whilst two of my friends start dancing around the room, a tear falls down my cheek because its his song. I decide that maybe today isn't going to be the best of days, although I hoped it would be...but oh well, because worse it to come, believe me!

I'd forgotten my dinner and was starving. I would have eaten myself but that would be called cannibalism and its illegal. So anyway, whilst everyone is stuffing their faces, I feel a dull ache in my stomach and remind myself that its for the best. Then its exam time! Yippee! Aha...yeah right. General Studies. Okay, so it was 3 hours long, finished in about an hour. Sat bored for two. I didn't understand the questions, so I gave up (I'm good at giving up) and went into a trance.

Finally the three hours were up, and I knew i'd done awful...but oh well, the exam was over and there was nothing more that could have been done. So anyway, we go to catch the bus. It should come at half past 4 but it's 10mins late. We get on, sit down, Lisa makes me laugh which makes me feel happy for a moment or two...when we go to get off though, the driver doesn't stop. He keeps on driving. We tell him to stop but he ignores us. He goes another 10 or so stops before finally pulling over and letting us off. I was fuming. He treated us like shite and he made my friend cry. I was half tempted to punch him one, but my friend pulled me away. So, we were stranded in the middle of nowhere. It was a half an hour walk back to where we wanted to get off, but my friend managed to get her dad to pick us up.

I'm stressed. I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I want to self harm so bad. I want to die. My life couldn't get any worse today if it tried. Now I'm sat here and I can't calm myself down because I'm shaking so badly, I feel dizzy because I need some sugar but I don't want to eat anymore. I want to punish myself. I feel like going back out and taking a slow walk to the bridge. Or the pond. Or those big rocks nearby aha.

I don't think I can take this anymore, and I know no one is going to read this because I'm not important enough, but I really feel low...and I just need someone, anyone to be here for me right now..

[Fieryfxcker]

I read it. All of it. Your day must of been so hard for you. I'm sorry about that really I am.
I'm here for you whenever you need me, as is the reast of us. Normally on msn 24/7.
That bus driver should of gone and died lol.I would've gone mental at him.
*huggle* Please try not to kill yourself, although I understand that is difficult for you now.

x

[.KillCasino.]

I don't even know why I'm so frickin bothered to be honest, he's just wound me up. My whole day, little things have been getting at me and argh! Its like I take one step forward and 12 steps back!

[TheNumber42]

Laura, you are extremely important! I read all of that. I'm so sorry that you had such n absolutely horrible day, but please just take some deep breathes, think about something happy. Try to calm down. I know that won't be easy, but just try your best at it.

Look at the positives here. If your life can get no worse, that means it can only get better, right? So just stay strong and don't give up. I promise everything is going to be ok. Everything is going to get better.

I'm always here for you. I'll listen to anything you have to say, don't ever think you're not important enough! You are SO IMPORTANT to me!

Stay strong

[Fieryfxcker]

I know what you mean, its really frustrating and it sucks.
And it always tends to be the little things, little things got at me today also.
I would of knocked the bus driver out.... but then might get done for GBH LOL.

[Augenblick]

Laura,
I'm new here, and I feel weird about posting this...but if you want to talk, you can pm me. I just wanted to say...You're not a bad person. You don't deserve to feel like this, and I'm sorry you do. Hun, I know it feels like things'll never get better- and actually I'm not going to finish that, because I'd bet a million dollars you've heard it so many times you're sick of it.
Just a thing or two: you are important enough.
I'm here for you, and so are all the people who've posted here - because they care.

listen, would you do something for me? I'm not going to try to force you into anything...but I'm sitting here wishing you were with me so I could hug you. So...would you wrap your arms around yourself? as tight as you can?
there. That's all of us. We're here for you.

Amy xox

[.KillCasino.]

People don't believe me when I say he's real.
He's real. He's here.

[LycanGrrrl]

Ok Casino, he's real. My friend bella was real after she died. She still lags around sometimes telling me to come with her. I talk back sometimes. Have you talked to your friend?

[.KillCasino.]

I talk to him all the time, not a day goes by...I was getting better back in October, then, this happened and I'm back to square one...I can't get over it, I try but I can't. This time its different.

[TheNumber42]

I believe you Laura. I know this is hard, but if you've gotten that far before, you can do it again. You have so much strength, I know that you can do this.

And you have the support of all these people. Look how many people are posting here supporting you. Everyone cares about you so much and we're all here for you. You're going to get through this.

[.KillCasino.]

I...I just need someone. I need someone here. I've never had anyone comfort me, or hold me tight. I just need someone. I wake up and I feel like everyday is gonna be good, and it always turns out really bad. I depress myself which makes my depression worse. Nothing good can ever come out of this. Nothing. I want help, but I know deep down that help isn't what I need...I need him, and he needs me...