depression?
 

dunno where to put this, sorry..
i know this is stupid but i need to say this.. i think i am depressed but i dunno..

i dont know what is happening to me.. it freaks me out.. my dad hates me i know that. he keeps saying things such as 'you should be dead' or 'you are stupid and you dont deserve living' ( and he used to hit me ). since he started to say things like that i feel that i have changed. i used to be calm but now my dad just has to start to talk to me and i freak out ! usually our 'conversation' ends up with yelling and so on.. i yell all the time when i am around my parents. they drive me mad. everything, they say, is my fault. i know it is. but still, it freaks me out. i spend the whole day playing with my 3 years old sister and then my dad says i am never playing with her. so i yell at him. it just makes it worse but i cant help. every day in the night i am sitting alone in my room and cry all the time. i cant sleep anymore. i have no fun at all, and when i laugh it feels like its fake, i dunno..
but the thing is, when i am around my friends i am so different! i never yell, i am happy and i laugh all the time and i am the one who makes everyone laugh. but at home.. i feel broken and empty.
my parents fight sometimes bc of me. i know that.
i am such a failure.
my dad is right. i dont deserve to live. i make people fight and sad and angry.
i am afraid of my dad, maybe he will hit me next time. its so scary when he is angry with me and when he starts saying those things..

lately i dont eat much and cry so much, even after a wonderful day with my boyfriend. he is kinda the only reason why i wont start cutting or harm myself in any way. he is so worried bc i dont eat much and bc i feel so down.

sometimes i just wanna walk away and never return.
i wanna a have a family who loves me, and notice when i am sad and gives me a hug when i need to. like it was used before. (4 years ago actually )
my boyfriend hugged me and then i broke down crying bc i forgot that hugs feel so good when you are feeling sad or just need someone.



i know i am talking shit, sorry if i bothered you.:sad:
i feel so stupid for posting this..

Re: depression?
 

Hey Bella,

First of all, don't feel stupid for posting anywhere on this website. We all have our own problems and we need somewhere to vent. It's better you do it here than not at all. Don't be shy, and know we're all here and we're not judging you. We just want to help everyone we can. You're no different :]. You deserve an ear to listen and a fair shot at feeling happy.

The fact that your father is treating you like this is wrong and no one can blame you for being affected the way you are. Though, we can't cay you're depressed or not because we're not doctors. But it's something you might want to look into. Possibly get yourself a counselor to talk to you? Either way, what your father is doing is wrong and I really think you should tell someone about it. That is no way to live. You should try telling someone else in the family, or a close friend - if you don't have any of those you trust I suggest the police then. For now, I really suggest venting your emotions to yourself and others so you don't take it out towards your dad. It will only make it worse, like you said. If you can stop it - try your hardest to.

Your father is not right. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you. Only your opinion matters. Only your opinion and the opinions of people who have earned your trust for you to value theirs. Life isn't about making other people happy and changing who you are. It's about acceptance and smiling when things are bad because things get better. Sometimes it's easy to assume our parents fight because of us, but they have their own relationship and they fight and that has nothing to do with you. They can chose to handle things in their own way and that isn't your fault if it's a fight. You can never fail if you keep going in life. That's the beauty of it.

Re: depression?
 

As Melissa said, do not feel stupid about posting anything on this site. This place is meant for posts such as that.

Now...first of all, what how your father treats you is wrong. You should not have to put up with such behavior.
Second of all, everyone deserves life and don't let what anyone else says sway you. For the way your father treats you, you shouldn't even listen to him, or at least take to heart what he says.
I know that can be difficult because he is your father and part of your family, but you should somehow learn to disconnect yourself in such a way from his words so it won't affect you as badly as they seem to.
Also, you should find someone to talk to. A trusted friend, another family member, a counselor...because talking to someone does help and they can give you support and advice...or just a shoulder to cry on.
And I can relate with you on the family thing...I long for such things as well and will even get jealous in regards to my friends' families...
But I have surrounded myself with people who truly care and love me and whom I consider family even if we are not related by blood.
Try your hardest to perhaps do something similar...this way, if you don't have your family to go to, you always have love and support from others.

Then perhaps when you are stronger, confront your father directly. Maybe even ask someone else to be with you for support.
But only do so when you are ready.
It will be tough, and you may not be ready for some time, but it is something to think about, considering how much he seems to have hurt you.

Always remember, though, that you do deserve to live. And there are always people who cares about you.

Re: depression?
 

the thing is , i talked to my dad but he just got angrier.. so there is no point. its like talking with a wall. he doesnt listen and never will.
i guess i have to live with that.
2 more years and i will move out, and i wont care what he says.

my best friend lives in another country and we hardly see each other.. the other friends are nice and make me happy but i cant tell them about it i dunno why though..

sometimes i really wish i could do magic and silence him when he talks ;D