Triggering: Just need to vent

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]I feel really awful. Been crying daily. My mom is pissing me off on purpose and ive had like 5 meltdowns just this week because of her. She knows about it but doesnt care. I tried to communicate with her about it but she refuses to give a shit. She only "cares" about my physical health so that she doesnt get in any problems with my doctor.
I dont have any friends in real life because i struggle with socializing due to my autism. I have internet friends instead. Sometimes We send pictures/videos of our self harm to each other. My friends' cuts are more severe than mine and i feel like mine arent enough and it makes me feel bad. Im buying aedited tomorrow to go deeper
Ive been watching a lot of gore lately. Its nothing too severe i guess but still fucks me up. I dont know why i do that. I guess my interest in crime scene photography could be a part of the reasons but i think theres more to it than that.
I really want to kill myself. Everytime i have the urge to attempt i close my eyes and imagine myself edited. I always cry a little but at least it reduces the urge. It makes me really sad because i dont actually want to die its the environment making me feel this way. I want to live and have fun like other people at my age.
I also really want to kill other people but i dont want to go into depths with this just wanted to mention it.

I dont know what my intention with this post is i just needed to talk about it for once. Before you mention getting a therapist, i cant. Not only am i broke but my parents dont care about my mental health. I told my mom about being depressed but she didnt give a fuck. Told her i get bullied but not to tell my dad because i knew he would yell at me and she fucking did. I hate her. I dont trust her anymore. She treats me like shit. I know she doesnt like me but i wish she was at least better at hiding that. I got much more to say but im too tired for that now.[/size]

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It's definitely tough when you aren't listened to and when you're having a hard time.

I know you said you can't afford a therapist, but what about a guidance counselor at school? I met with one weekly for a while because it was free to see her. They would have to report suicidal, homicidal, or self injurious behavior to your parents, but sometimes it actually gives people a wake-up call when they hear that their child is struggling from someone else.

Here is a list of alternatives that you can use for self harm, suicidal thoughts, or homicidal thoughts. If one doesn't work for you, try not to get discouraged. There are tons on that list so you are bound to find at least a few that do work for you.

I would stop sending pictures/videos of your self harm to other people and ask your friends to do the same. That is more triggering to you all and encourages more serious behavior that can lead you to needing medical attention. Self harm is serious regardless of the depth/severity of it. Instead of making comparisons, maybe you and your friends can work on supporting each other.

Maybe you can try and find something else to watch instead of gore. Are there any TV shows or movies you are interested in? Try and find other types of media to fill your time. What about true crime shows that air on TV? They are less gory than the crime scene photos you may be looking at, but it may satisfy some of that urge. It may also help if you find ways to express yourself such as writing, art, or music, just so you get things out in a healthier way.

This is our reasons to live thread. Sometimes you have to live for the small things and let those build up, because they do make life worth living. Try and write one good thing about each day so you can look back and remind yourself it is not all bad.

It doesn't sound like you have a lot of support at home, but what about finding other adults in your life who may be supportive? This could be another family member, a friend's parents, a teacher, a religious leader, a club advisor/coach, or another adult.

I hope things start looking up for you soon.

Take care,
Dez

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

I'm sorry about all of this and I hope that you will be okay soon. Try finding something to help get this off your mind.