Triggering (Suicide): I'm starting to think this won't get any better

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Before anyone responds saying it will or that it just takes time, some of the issues I struggle with can't be fixed with time or medicated. They're permanent problems that people like me have to learn to deal with forever.

The longer I've sat here, thinking about this all, the more certain I am that there is no future for me. All I'm doing at this point is letting people delay the inevitable.
I can possibly learn to live with these things, but there's no guarantee. Even if I did, they'd still hurt, and some days would still be unbearable. I can't deal with those days any more. I really can't.
I've been trying for a very long time (I'm an adult) and at this point, I'm just too tired to keep on this path. I need it to stop. It has to stop.
There's a quote I've heard that says Maybe life isn't for everyone.
It feels like that applies to me.
I'm comfortable with the idea of dying.
I've made my list of plans and my note.
I know what I'm going to do at this point.
I've already started withdrawing from my friends and isolating, and it feels like they haven't even noticed.
This is just how it has to be, and I just hope that those around me understand that once this is done, I'll finally get to rest and stop hurting.[/size][/color][/font]

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

I can't say that I know what you are talking about or what things that you are going through that are permanent, but I am sorry that you are going through this. I won't say that time will fix it, because I don't know what's going on and I understand some things are out of your control.
Is there anything you can do that will give you purpose or fulfillment? For example, if you like art, maybe put time and effort into your craft. Or, you can volunteer somewhere where you can be proud of yourself for making a difference.
Sometimes you have to let the small things make you happy as well. They can keep you going for a while until the big things come along. It can even be something simple like hot cocoa and your favorite blanket, watching the rain fall, or baking your favorite goodie.
You're right that it sucks when friends don't notice you're withdrawing. Sometimes friends also worry that they will be bothering you if you ask about it. Others are the type of people who don't reach out first or expect someone else to reach out. Others get caught up in their own lives and things fall by the wayside. There are tons of reasons why they may not be reaching out, but I think it's something you should talk to them about. You don't have to say "you're not reaching out to me so I'm upset," but you can say that you feel neglected or left out right now and are having a hard time. Ask them to take the initiative or check in sometimes, because they may not have even realized. Even just ask a friend to go get a coffee and talk things through. I know taking the initiative is hard and feels like it defeats the purpose, but sometimes friends genuinely don't pick up on the signs that someone is struggling.
Do you have a therapist you can talk to, or can you get one? They can really help because they're not there to judge you and won't blame you for having permanent things going on that are out of your control. But what they can do is offer suggestions on how to cope and ways to build a life worth living. You don't even have to go on medication if you don't want to.
TH has a safety zone located here. If you click "currently in crisis" it will give you pages like hotlines, alternatives and coping methods you can use, and other resources.
I hope this helps at least a little. I just wanted you to know that we care.

[Just a girl in pain]

I have a therapist, but as caring and compassionate as she is, and despite how much she tries, nothing makes this feeling go away.

I don't really find happiness in anything any more. I haven't for a while now.
I have talked to my friends about it, and they have said they'd try to check in more, but that was a while ago and I just really do not have the strength to bring it up again.

Definitely not that I'm this far into the planning stage.

I've tried hotlines and coping methods and everything, and it helped for a while but even it eventually just stopped helping.
Not any more there's nothing that gives me purpose or a sense of fulfillment.

Tbqh, at this point, im ok with where this is going. If it means it'll all go away and I can just stop hurting, that's ok with me.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Have you told your therapist how far into the planning stage you are? I know you may not want to be hospitalized but it would be a temporary thing to keep you safe and hopefully get you to a better headspace. They can't force you to take meds at the hospital either without a court order, but I don't know the process they'd take to do that since I voluntarily took meds, so I can't guarantee they wouldn't try. They do have patient advocates who you can talk to if they do try to force it upon you.

[Just a girl in pain]

I can't handle being hospitalized again. Not this soon. I've been in and out of hospitals so much lately and it's exhausting.

Also no. We've not spoken since I've gotten this deep into it. I don't even know if I'll tell them, assuming I even get to see them again.

[Mending Me]

Hey, thank you for reaching out. I will not say things will get better with time because I know how annoying that is.

I know going to the hospital and being hospitalized is exhausting, frustrating and can be embarrassing. I at one point was in and out of the mental hospital every other week for like a 6 month period because of how horrible I was. I am not sure what life long problems you deal with, so I cannot speak on that. I myself have a disorder that I am just trying to figure out and to figure out all the “friends” in my head. I understand how painful it can be to k ow these issues will probably never go away and how exhausting it is to just try and “deal and cope” with them.

I honestly think you should reach out to your therapist and tell them the truth in your plans. I k ow you are okay with dying, and are okay with where you are in life however since you did reach out on here I do not believe it is your time. If you ever need to talk, vent or just want a friend my pms and vms are always open.
Your Friend,
Frankie ♥︎♡♥︎