Triggering (Suicide): What am I good for?

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]The realization that I'm likely on the autism spectrum. I may have ADHD too. I likely have auditory processing disorder as well. It has been hitting me very hard. I fought for myself to get assessed when I was 18 years old. I cried for help. Nobody was there to help me. I went through 10 and a half long hard years of therapist after therapist. Experience after experience of being traumatized and retraumatized.

And now...I'm this 28 year old and I don't know how I got here. How am I almost 30?

I ask myself over and over, what am I good for?

I am unemployed. I don't have an income at all for the past 6 months and counting, ive been living off of my savings. I couldn't keep up with getting my driver license.

Neighbors see me and interrogate me about my job status. Like I'm some criminal making a case of my self worth in front of a jury. They tell me I need to hurry up and get a job. I finally got job as a substitute child care assistant on an on call basis. Not good enough, they say. I can't ignore neighbors because I live by someone who I assist and she was born with a physical disability and even she has this attitude of -quit-being-lazy-. She invites her neighbor friends who are also middle aged women and have this attitude and I'm so sick of it. Apparently I'm sitting on the couch too much. But I literally have to work for room and board here. I don't get paid in money for this work, but I ro get a roof over my head and food to eat and a washing/dryer to do my laundry. It is better than living in a homeless shelter but let's he honest, I'm technically homeless. It is called "invisible homeless". Im on borrowed space. Im a long-term guest. And everyday I'm reminded of this. That I don't really deserve to exist but as long as I'm performing in a way that's helpful, I will be given a chance.

This is no way to live. I'm tired of being at the mercy of people's willingness to care for me.

I ask myself what I'm good for and the answer is a resounding "nothing". I'm good for nothing. I'm burning out and I went from teaching full time to laying in bed all day until a few minutes before the lady comes home and make it sound like I haven't just been depressed. I can't keep masking my depression especially because the depression developed from masking ASD.

I think about self harming all the time. My mind is occupied with thoughts of suicide and self harm. My fear is that my therapist who specializes in trauma bur not in ASD will have to drop me because she can't fully support me. My fear is also that my one solid friend will leave me because I will get to be too much.

For the past 4.5 years, I've been struggling but my support system kept me from acting on any drastic urges. Since cobid my support system has slowly been dwindling as people moved away, left the organization and I had of course moved to another city, I really don't have much of a connection to the city I grew up nor do I have a support system here either. The "community" has been a lot of me trying to meet people and going out of my comfort zone, being continuously rejected or pushed to the corner intentionally and/or unintentionally and being used and taken advantage of and struggling to put boundaries and continuously protect myself. I've done so much free labor that I often didn't even realize what was happening until after the fact.

I've been so teased that was supposed to be "just joking" but it hurt each time.

I've felt so isolated and alone and that the world us going on without me and doesn't have any reason to genuinely want or need me. Yeah people might want free labor so I guess that's what I'm good for. Someone who accepts being reduced to nothing. Someone who doesn't fight back or eho isn't good at fighting back. Someone who can't possibly be human because what is so natural for humans is a tremendous challenge for me, so it can't be I'm of the same species.

I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what anyone can say. I'm not looking for advice or for anyone to try to make it better. I don't think it is the kind of thing that can be glued back together. I'm not broken in that kind of way. I'm broken in a murky blotchy paint on canvas kind of way. You can paint white over it and then a new painting and it is as if the blotchy parts never existed. Thats what it seems is best for the world. People can paint over whatever space i take up in their life. Since I'm apparently sitting on the couch all day, I'm sure another person can be found to sit on the couch AND who does something good with their life.[/size]

[DarkSwan]

Hi there

It sounds like you are going through a very rough time right now. But I can assure you, someone out there thinks you are worth everything.

My girlfriend has similar issues to yourself, and also went through a cry for help at 18. She discovered she has a few learning difficulties. But you know what? She has found a reason to be here.

Beige depressed is not something you can just snap your fingers and get over. I have suffered with depression and anxiety for many many years. It never truly goes away. Be kind on yourself. If what you need right now is to lie in bed all day, then do it. Though I would advise trying to get out for some fresh air and a walk at least once a day. It really can help, as can exercise in general.

And as for a job - I'm 36. And I still have no career. I am not good at anything. I have been trying to start up my own business, but lately I just don't have the mental energy.

You do what you think is best for you - and not what others think is best

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]Thank you so much for your response. I calmed down a little but I feel like this isn't going away anytime soon[/size]