Triggering (Abuse): Idk 🤷*♀️ mentions of rape and suicide

[Courtneyyy]

I can’t be alive anymore. From when I was raped all I think about is how I’d be much better of dead. I don’t deserve to be treated like that but he did it for four weeks straight. I am a useless person and I know he’s locked away for 5 years but it’s not fair that I’ve been left like this. I’m struggling so much and I can’t take it anymore it’s like I’m alive for nothing basically. I’ve been in hospital for a good solid 8 months which was good because I was safe but now I’m back at home I’m not safe maybe I should be kept in hospital. I can’t even eat, it's hard to eat, edit, it’s like why am I alive like why? I don’t understand why I am still letting myself live a life I don’t even want to be alive in.

Sorry.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Welcome to TeenHelp. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. When something horrible happens to us, someone does something to us, we will feel a lot of times that we did something for this to happen to us and it is our fault for what has happened. The person who did this to you, he is the one who is at fault. Would you be able to try talking with someone about how you have been feeling and see if they would be able to try helping you out with this. Ask your family member or friends or someone at school for help too. Also this website works with people who have been through what you have been through and maybe you can check them out when you have time. They are https://www.rainn.org/ When you are having a hard time with this try finding something to help you get your mind off of this for a while, reading for a while or playing with your animals or watching movies or TV shows or playing games or drawing or painting or writing or listening to music or something else that you enjoy doing and try that for a while. I hope you will be okay soon.

[Courtneyyy]

Thank you. I’ve tried talking to my mum but she isn’t of help it just makes me more sad. So I have no one to talk to.

[Courtneyyy]

I’m now at the hospital

[Everglow.]

Hi Courtney

What you've been through sounds horrible and I am so sorry that you had to experience that. I'm glad he is locked away, but you're right in that it isn't fair for the people left behind dealing with the aftermath. It sounds like you are in hospital now, and the fact you felt safer there means you're doing the right thing. I hope you are able to get the help you need there.

You may not feel like you want to be alive right now but it's really good that you are. As much as it may not feel like it you will get through the other side of this. Try to use methods for coping when you are struggling. Grounding techniques may be helpful as they'll remind you that you are safe and secure and not in any danger. Try looking for things you can feel, see, smell, hear etc and focusing on them. For me, drinking very cold water and shaking my leg keeps me in the moment if I am struggling. Try something like this perhaps as it not only gives you something else to concentrate on, but may just stop you from acting on any negative feelings or impulses you have.

Finally, please don't ever blame yourself or think of yourself as useless for what happened. Abuse is always the fault of the abuser. You're not useless. You didn't deserve this. Perhaps you could try to tell yourself these things, even if you don't believe it all the time. You could write yourself notes and leave them where you're going to see them (e.g. on a mirror or the back of the door). You could also say it over in your head when you start to doubt it. Reinforcing that you're a good person and that you'll get through this might just help you to keep going.

[Courtneyyy]

Originally Posted by Everglow.

Hi Courtney

What you've been through sounds horrible and I am so sorry that you had to experience that. I'm glad he is locked away, but you're right in that it isn't fair for the people left behind dealing with the aftermath. It sounds like you are in hospital now, and the fact you felt safer there means you're doing the right thing. I hope you are able to get the help you need there.

You may not feel like you want to be alive right now but it's really good that you are. As much as it may not feel like it you will get through the other side of this. Try to use methods for coping when you are struggling. Grounding techniques may be helpful as they'll remind you that you are safe and secure and not in any danger. Try looking for things you can feel, see, smell, hear etc and focusing on them. For me, drinking very cold water and shaking my leg keeps me in the moment if I am struggling. Try something like this perhaps as it not only gives you something else to concentrate on, but may just stop you from acting on any negative feelings or impulses you have.

Finally, please don't ever blame yourself or think of yourself as useless for what happened. Abuse is always the fault of the abuser. You're not useless. You didn't deserve this. Perhaps you could try to tell yourself these things, even if you don't believe it all the time. You could write yourself notes and leave them where you're going to see them (e.g. on a mirror or the back of the door). You could also say it over in your head when you start to doubt it. Reinforcing that you're a good person and that you'll get through this might just help you to keep going.

Thank you so much 😊!! I will be telling myself that thank you

[Courtneyyy]

I don’t understand why I can’t go home. Is it because I’m not safe? Probably.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

I think you're probably right about why you can't go home, The hospital has a duty to make sure that you are safe before you go home. Be honest with them, though. Tell them that you aren't sure why you can't get home and maybe they will explain further. Also be honest about the things you are experiencing, including symptoms and thoughts. I know you may not want to be there but it is important that you get the help you need and deserve during this tough time.

[Courtneyyy]

Originally Posted by Ennui.

I think you're probably right about why you can't go home, The hospital has a duty to make sure that you are safe before you go home. Be honest with them, though. Tell them that you aren't sure why you can't get home and maybe they will explain further. Also be honest about the things you are experiencing, including symptoms and thoughts. I know you may not want to be there but it is important that you get the help you need and deserve during this tough time.

A meeting is happening tomorrow to see if a mental health facility is the best option. I am so scared

I’m scared

Don’t know what will happen probably will end up in a facility for mental health

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

If you do end up in a mental health facility the best thing you can do is make the most of your experience there. Every facility is different but mine offered two group therapy classes per day and also some creative groups and social time. Take advantage of it and think of it more as a temporary reset and step back, rather than a bad thing.

[Courtneyyy]

Will update when I know what is going w

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Sending you to help you to be okay soon.

[Courtneyyy]

I have been transferred to a mental health facility just now waiting to be told what’s going to happen next

[Courtneyyy]

It’s been horrible so far. I don’t want my meds they are giving me. I don’t like it.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

I know you may not want the meds but they may be helpful when you get them into your system more. Is the issue side effects? I’d talk to the prescriber about any negative effects you’re having so they can adjust.

[Courtneyyy]

Before coming into this facility I was on antipsychotic medications and I’ve been having side affects but apparently it’s normal. I did take them because otherwise they would force me to have them. I need to let them do there thing and engage with the staff here as I’m here to keep safe at the end of the day and I need to be safe and engage to be able to get let out. I do feel safe at the moment by being here. I’ve met some few friends too which has been a positive experience.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

I’m glad you’re at least meeting people and understand why you’re on the meds! I hope that helps some.

[Courtneyyy]

Isolating myself. Don’t feel comfortable anymore

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Are you not comfortable because of the people, or for another reason? I just want to make sure I understand.

[Courtneyyy]

Originally Posted by Ennui.

Are you not comfortable because of the people, or for another reason? I just want to make sure I understand.

It’s all mainly guys here . Few females but I don’t feel comfortable

[Courtneyyy]

I can’t stay here anymore honestly can’t

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

I don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable with it being mostly guys! I wonder if there are at least a few girls who feel similarly to you who you might be able to socialize with?

[Courtneyyy]

Originally Posted by Ennui.

I don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable with it being mostly guys! I wonder if there are at least a few girls who feel similarly to you who you might be able to socialize with?

There’s this one woman who I feel like I can talk to which is good I guess but she’s mostly in her room so I’m trapped from going into the main room because she’s not always there

[Courtneyyy]

Still I’m hospital ��

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

I'm sorry about this and hope that you will be okay soon.

Hi Courtney, I'm so sorry to hear you're still struggling. Being in the hospital can be scary and I can't imagine how isolating it can feel there. You're away from your family, your friends, you're not sleeping in your own bed surrounded by your favorite things. I know the hospital has a lot of men there, but I suggest reaching out to the women and try to socialize with them when you can. It's so important to have a support system in place when you're in a situation like this.

Also, I know it can be frustrating having an extended hospital stay. They can last hours, days, weeks, even months. It's up to the physicians and mental health clinicians to determine whether or not you're safe to go home. They don't want to send you home if you still pose a risk to yourself or others. While it may seem daunting now, try focusing on what the privileges you will have once out of hospital.

Being around your family again. Getting to see your friends. Sleeping in your own cozy bed. Being surrounded by your favorite objects. Give yourself reasons to work towards getting out of the hospital. I am not sure how frequent evaluations are; but I am sure whenever you're out doing social activities in the common area, clinicians and other professionals are taking note. So show them that you're taking rehab and recovery seriously; so that way they'd be more inclined to release you.

It's also important to think about safe alternatives to self harm while you have the chance. Maybe the clinicians are a joke; so reach out to the other women in your hospital for support, advice, and resources. This is an additional excuse for you to connect with them as well. You may or may not see these women again after you leave; but it'll make the experience more bearable.

Wishing you the best of luck.