Triggering (Suicide): I have a plan, but dk if I should go to hospital

[PlutoTheOpposum]

Wew okay the title is bad. I don't know how to explain it. My brain does a little thing where it like, makes a plan and saves it for later. Like, if times get real bad I know where to go. I don't know why I do this other than being mentally ill ahh. It's not like I'll ever act on it, at least I don't think I will.
Idk, the reasonable part of me is saying I need to go back to being inpatient, but then like the other part of me says;

1) if I go inpatient, they'll look through all my history. (They'll find my posts on here. They'll find my drawings. They'll find my blade.)
2) If I go inpatient, it'll feel like a fail. It'll feel like i'm a coward and am running away from my battles. Idk that's just how I see it.
3) I'm not mentally ill enough
4) The hospital is SCARY. I've been there twice. My stomach hurts just talking about it. But I know there is almost no way to do anything bad there.
5) I don't think I'm mentally prepared to deal with any sort of conflict, including my parents' reactions.
6) School

If you're feeling like you need to go inpatient by all means do it. This is just the reasoning my goldfish cracker brain comes up with. Idk I seriously have a way to do it and I feel like I'm one panic attack/mental breakdown away. also really anxious, I have no devices so I'm typing this on my school chromebook.
advice is appreciated. ty.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello Lyl

I am so sorry that you have been going through this and you have been hurting a lot from all of this too.

When we are having a hard time with something, it can be very hard to just open up about this to someone. Also, when we are able to open up to someone who we trust, that is when we are able to have them help us out with whatever we have been going through. Everyone needs help with something and it's always OKAY to ask for help. Would you be able to write a letter to someone in your family or at school, a teacher or school counselor who you trust and let them read your letter and have them help you out with this? When we let someone in, it's a good feeling to have because they are listening to us and we can say what we are going through and then they would be able to give us different options on how to be okay. When you feel like you are hurting a lot, try to find something to do to help you to feel better soon. What do you enjoy doing? Going for walks or hikes or writing for a while or drawing or painting or listening to music or watching movies or TV shows or playing a game or something else that you enjoy doing and try that for a while. I hope you will be okay soon.

[Everglow.]

Hey

I think what you're saying makes a lot of sense actually. If your brain is anything like mine it plans and lists every single thing and has subsections labelled 'just in case'. So I understand what you're saying.

I know it might be tough but if you're worried about those 'just in case' plans, perhaps you can try to view hospital as another 'just in case'. If the plans you have tucked away start to feel more like they are likely to happen, hospital is the new plan. I know it is scary. Nobody wants to be in hospital and there are millions of rational reasons you could talk yourself out of going. But if hospital is likely to help, don't push the idea away.

You're not failing by going to hospital. Imagine if people having heart attacks thought that by getting medical help, they were running away from their battles. It's not how it works. Hospital is part of the battle. It's another angle to tackle the problem from. It's not particularly enjoyable, but it's a valid way of treating this.

In a similar sense, a person who is having a heart attack may seem much more seriously ill than a person with a sprained ankle, but a hospital exists to help both problems. The treatment will look different, but it has to or else it wouldn't work. You don't have to be 'ill enough' to go and get help. If you are feeling like help is needed, then you should feel able to ask for it without feeling kind of like an imposter. Hospital should be a prevention as well as a treatment.

Whichever choice you make about going into hospital, make sure it is done with the intention of helping and not hindering. You deserve help as much as anybody else and you definitely don't deserve to feel like you're a threat to yourself. Keep fighting this.