I'm loosing it...

[Special Agent]

I don’t even know where to begin honestly or if it’s even worth posting. I feel like I am loosing my mind I feel like I am loosing myself and who I am and that scares me. But most of all I am scared I will never get back to who I was. This hit me out of no where I started not doing things that I once loved doing, I am pushing away family and I don’t even know why they call me and I just can’t bring myself to answer the phone. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have been through a lot In my life I have been physically and emotionally abused, I have self harmed, I have come really close to suicide a couple times. I have never been in a relationship because I am scared they won’t accept me and because I don’t deserve that kind of love anyway. There is so many things that I would do and I don’t do any of them anymore. I don’t know what to do.

Im sorry if this doesn’t make any sense.

[Rivière]

Sometimes it's good to look inward and look down the branches of each issue one by one until you hit the root of the problem. Think back to when you started feeling like you're no longer yourself. What happened in that time period? Was there a specific event or something that was said to you. Perhaps it was something done to you. Perhaps it was something that happened/was said to you indirectly yet still affected you. There are endless possibilities of why you started going down the route you're currently on, but self-exploration and self-reflection is always important. Think about what and why these changes came about.

You could consider taking a chance and opening up to just one friend or family member. Let them know something isn't right and you don't know what. You're obviously wanting to get some help and to return to this person you previously were. However, what about developing into something new? You could open up to just one person and create this new future identity where they've helped you through all of your issues, and you've then become this even more wonderful person than you already are.

[Storyteller.]

Hi Junior,

Thanks for reaching out. I know it can be daunting to ask for support or advice, especially if you're already in the kind of headspace where it feels like it wouldn't matter or that it's not worth talking about, so it's no small feat that you managed to make this thread. Even if things might seem overwhelming right now, you've taken a first step towards getting it all under control again, and that should be commended.

It sounds like there's a lot on your mind right now, which can make it difficult to work out which aspect to focus on first. Setting aside questions of self-worth and past trauma for a moment, I think it might be helpful to ask yourself a question: what would make you happy? This doesn't have to be a specific goal or outcome, such as becoming romantically involved with someone or finding a meaningful career; it can also include things such as feeling valued and respected by the people around you, or gaining new understanding of who you are as a person. It's also an ongoing process, one that's always in a state of flux, so it can be helpful to check in with yourself every now and then to see how you're feeling, how you want to feel, and how you can go about achieving that.

On that note, I understand that it can be disheartening and distressing to feel like you've drifted from who you were (or who you think you should be), but that's also one of the greatest experiences in life - being able to grow, and change, and learn. You're not the same person you were as a child, or last year, or yesterday, and that's the way it should be. You're growing into yourself, discovering and creating this new version of you. And if that version isn't the one you feel most comfortable with? You can change course. You can find new hobbies, pick up old ones again, connect and reconnect with people, create and recreate yourself over and over again until you feel comfortable being you.

If you feel like you need some time to yourself, there's nothing wrong with asking your loved ones for a bit of space. It's okay not to have the energy to interact with people all the time, especially when you're going through heavy things like what you've described here. The important thing is not to cut yourself off from them, which you do by ignoring their attempts to reach out. If you need to be alone, then communicate that with them; alternatively, if you think being alone might make things worse, you could try talking to them about what's going on. They can't help if they don't know what's going on, and isolating yourself isn't going to make anyone feel better. It can be scary to ask for help when you need it, but it can also be a strong step towards healing.

Also, if you're not already receiving professional support (for example by seeing a therapist) it might be worth looking into it. Connecting with the right mental health professional/s can make a huge difference when it comes to managing mental health issues or even just general life stress. And, despite what you may tell yourself, try to remember that you do deserve love. Everyone deserves to be loved, respected, and accepted for who they are, and to be around the people who bring out the best in them and encouraging them to become the best version of themself. No matter how hard things get or how low you may feel, that won't stop being true.

I hope this was helpful (or at least somewhat comforting), and please feel free to reply to this thread if you want to talk about things any further.