I'm not gonna last much longer

[melol]

I'm not gonna be able to wait to start Testosterone in a month let alone 2 years. I have to wait until I move out and even then it might even take longer than that. My mental health is slowing going to where it was last year around this time and I don't know if Ill make it. When I realized i was trans at 11 i understood that i'd have to wait at least 7 years to start it but im not strong enough to keep living like this. I'm fucking miserable. My parents will never accept me as their son. Yet here I am still holding out hope for the fact that MAYBE my mom, who refused to even use they/them pronouns let alone he/him pronouns or even the nickname "Cal", will one day accept me as her son. even though she has told me that Im being brainwashed and that im just pretending to be my stepbrother and that she hates my personality and the fact that I've changed since I was 10. like yeah obviously im gonna fucking change its been more than 6 years since then. I pass as a boy often too and she still calls me her fucking daughter im so fucking close to killing myself its just a matter of time now. my dad doesnt use pronouns and he always ounds so fucking janky when he just says "Cal" this "Cal" that. Like my name's Calvin, you've told me you don't mind the name and you said the only reason you wont use my pronouns is because of my mom like i get that shes greiving over the loss of her "smart precious daughter" im still here im just your fucking son you've had two years to grieve. besides it wasnt my choice to come out anyways its your fault because of the lack of privacy i have. also thanks for telling me ive screwed up your life because you'll never be able to have grandchildren since your mind doesn't seem to be able to comprehend what the fuck adoption is. I have no interest in anything anymore and in a month and a bit im the lead in my school musical but im so scared now because i cant focus on anything im not doing anything healthy and my mom is on my ass every single second of every single fucking day and i wish i never decided to go out of my comfort zone and audition for a fucking show and im never gonna experience the normal life of a teen boy. not like ill experience anything after that either tho. at least i wont have to mourn that loss for too much longer. maybe ill just get lucky and get hit by a car on my way to school tomorrow

Hey Calvin. Thank you for posting here. I hope we are able to help you.

I am also transgender (he/him pronouns, too). While my situation in life doesn't mirror yours, I know how frustrating it is not to have the support of family, especially when you are young. I can only imagine the pain and suffering it causes for you, and I am so sorry you are in that position. We are here for you.

There's a lot of hurt and frustration here, but I want to encourage you to not give up. Your life is worth living, even if it doesn't feel like it, and the truth is that you haven't lived it yet. Not as you want to. And I firmly believe no one should hurt themselves, or take their own life, because they don't have access to the gender affirming care they need. You deserve a chance to live your life as you, Calvin. Not as your parents' "daughter," not as what others think or expect you to be, but you.

I struggled with accepting my gender once my parents were reluctant to offer support, and said some hurtful things. I went back into the closet a bit and backed down to "non-binary" to make it easier for them. It hurt so much, until I reached a point where I knew I needed to live my truth and seek my happiness, even if it made people close to me uncomfortable.

I want that for you, that self-assuredness and happiness, because you deserve that. And I know it can be hard to find, and it's individual for everyone. But it's my hope you find that. In the meantime, I really want to recommend the Trevor Lifeline. It's a resource and hotline for young LGBTQ individuals. I think it could help you to talk with others who understand, and can help you through this. It might also help to connect with others in your community, for example at your school, or in extracurricular activities, that support you in reaching your goals and full potential. Isolation affects us more than we think, and I suspect once you find more community, life might not feel so hard.

Take care of yourself. My inbox is always open.