Triggering (Suicide): idk wtf i should even do anymore

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]i have been wanting to and have constantly been thinking of killing myself for nearly 3 years straight (w actually a small break of happiness like halfway through) its gotten so much more worse lately especially w my parents being unaccepting of my gender identity (trans guy) and a few days ago my dad saying that me being his son is different than my adult brother bc hes always been his son whereas i have not. I have been wanting to talk to a teacher i really trust about this for so fucking long but the first time my parents found out i had no life or privacy or anything for 3-4 months straight and my mom is constantly on my ass about everything ive ever done in my entire life and also complains about my "transness" because I am "altering my memories" to get with the trend or something along those lines. i dont know if ill ever finish high school bc lately ive been so much closer to killing myself but im still a fucking wimp if i cant breathe and shit. idk why im even writing this anymore im probably just going to anyways. sorry this was basically just a rant :/[/size][/color][/font]

Hey there. I am sorry you haven't gotten a reply yet. I hope that we are able to help you.

I am nonbinary and transmasculine. I have not had the degree of backlash from family that you have unfortunately experiences, but I do know what it's like to be invalidated by family, as well as the rest of society. It really, really sucks, and it can make the world, and existence in general, feel hopeless and pointless. Having the people closest to you tell you things like you have said your family does is absolutely horrendous, and I am so sorry you live with that. I can understand why it contributes to the way you feel.

I don't generally like to say it gets better, because the fact of the matter is until a lot of things about society change it's always going to be a bit harder for trans folx, just like it is for POC, others on the LGBTQ spectrum, those who are disabled, etc. That's just how it is for the time being. But I will say there is progress. Things have gotten so much better even in just the last decade. Things are moving in the right direction, and I try and cling to that hope when I feel defeatist about everything.

You also don't have to live with your family forever. It can feel like you're adrift in the midst depression, and an alien to those who are supposed to love and care for you, but you don't know what the future holds, and it can be temporary if that's what you choose. People seem to generally think this applies to victims of abuse, but I personally feel it applies to situations like this: if you live for anything, live for spite. Do not let people who do not truly see and validate you be the reason you end your life. It's not worth it, and you deserve better than that. If anything, keep going, because one day you can truly be you, and you will find the people who not only accept, but celebrate that.

Which brings me to my next point: family of choice. I feel it's absolutely essential for people like us. It may be more difficult to find in high school, but in time you can find your chosen family. They can be whomever you choose them to be, but in my experience it's generally other LGBTQ folx. We understand each other. We get each other. And we can be there for each other, which is most important. If there are any groups for young LGBTQ people in your school or community, seek them out. You deserve that support, and you deserve to know there are peers just like you.

Suicidal thinking and thoughts or actions about self-harm are very serious. I can understand why you are afraid to talk to a teacher or counselor for fear of them telling your parents. However, it is important to ask for help, because you do deserve to live. There are many hotlines, but I specifically recommend the Trevor Project. It is an absolutely amazing resource for young folx. Check out their community, and there is a hotline you can call 24/7 whenever you need to talk to someone.

I really hope things get better for you. There are people who understand, I promise you, and it's worth living for. PM me any time if you need anything, and hold on to any hope you have. One day you will flourish, I promise. And it's worth staying around for.