Is it time to end it?

[FrozenRobot7]

I have been dating this guy for about three months now and this has been my first real relationship with real, true feelings. We recently got into a fight and it very much rubbed me the wrong way. I had gotten frustrated with him about something seemingly small, and he blew it out of proportion greatly, making it sound like I was the worst person in the world and saying I "couldn't talk to him like that" (I didn't talk to him in any disrespectful or rude tone, was just expressing frustration). It felt like he was gas lighting me into thinking I had done the most disrespectful thing, and it felt very reminiscent of how other people have been in my past. When I get angry at him, I still show him respect but it didn't feel he was doing that with me when he was angry.

He then yesterday said we should take a break for a bit while he cools off. This also came off as very frustrating because he has done much worse (not cheating but close) and it was the expectation that I forgave him almost on the spot. It just feels like there are very different expectations of me vs him and it doesn't seem right.

While those are large negatives, there are many, many positives that are making me want to stick around and kind of move on from this. He has done so much for me and spending time with him always gives me a sense of comfort and happiness. We have gotten so close over the course of us knowing each other that he's more than just a boyfriend, he is now a really good friend of mine and it scares me to think that would all be gone. He's been a big part of my life coming back to college and I am so scared to lose that. While I can see the wrong he's done, I want to be able to forgive him. But, I have talked to a few close friends and they've all said the same variation of me leaving would be the best for me. But, I'm not ready to give up yet. Any advice on the next best move? Anything is appreciated

Hey there, thanks for reaching out. I am happy you continue to feel comfortable enough turning to TeenHelp when you are looking for support, and hopefully I can provide some of my insights.

I agree with your friends that you need to end the relationship with this guy. Every relationship has its good moments and bad moments; and while some moments may seem memorable, the bad ones matter more because you matter. How you are left feeling after an incident with him is an indication of why you should leave him. It sounds like he knows that you are easily willing to bow down to him, so he has a strategy in place; and that is a fine example of gaslighting and manipulation.

I hope you consider leaving him and if you really want to give it another try, then you could have a serious conversation with him. No other distractions, no TV, no food, no nothing; just you, him, and a long, serious talk. But, from what I've read and your friends seem to have concluded themselves, this guy is not going to change his behavioral patter, he is going to keep playing the hot and cold game with you.

I wish you the best of luck and certainly do reach out again if needed.

[Mallika]

Hi Danni,

Thanks for reaching out to us here on TeenHelp!! Your situation is a very understandable and valid one.

While it is nice to hear that you have found good company in your boyfriend at college, I would also be concerned with the red flags you have raised. And you are right to have your doubts. Particularly, this bit concerns me - 'It just feels like there are very different expectations of me vs him and it doesn't seem right.'

In a relationship, equality is important. To me, it seems like you're being really nice and forgiving while he's taking you for granted. You were kind enough to forgive him immediately following what seemed close to a cheating incident, while he wants a break from your relationship after a mere fight! He seems pretty self-absorbed and toxic if you ask me.

While it might seem terrible to break things off from this person whom you've become so attached to, it might be more difficult to stay in this relationship if his behaviour continues to be this way. You don't want to be in a situation whereby you eventually get accustomed to accommodating his tantrums and difficult behaviour - you don't deserve to be in that position. Rather, breaking things off will show that you are a strong woman with a mind and will of your own. It will also teach him a lesson about about respecting people more.

I once relentlessly chased someone for 4 years, thinking he was the only person in the world for me. He is a nice guy but he didn't feel the same way about me. I thought I could never get over him. But once I rationalised the situation in my head and realised that I should stop my pursuit, it was natural and effortless to move on altogether. If I could get over someone I loved for 4 years, I believe you will be able to move on from this difficult guy whom you've been with for 3 months. No doubt you will feel down, upset, heartbroken - it's okay to feel those emotions. But please be assured that they are a passing cloud.

You deserve to meet someone who values and cherishes you. Wait for that person

Take care! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!